Mass species extinction and climate change correlated with Romanian PM speeches

Bucharest, Romania

In a scientific breakthrough earlier today, Romanian scientists have finally found the cause of Earth’s mass species extinction. After two years of research, scientists were able to correlate with 99,9% accuracy Romania PM Viorica Dancila’s speeches with mass extinction episodes and extreme climate change events. Speaking at a conference in Bucharest, Dr. Barbu Pulescu explained the process:

“We have been speculating on this for two years. Ever since Dancila took office as Romania’s Prime Minister, we have seen an exponential increase in species extinction . We also witnessed several revisions of the International Panel on Climate Change, stating climate change is way worse they initially predicted. The problem is every time PM Dancila opens her mouth, most animals commit suicide. Because she is so stupid, she takes away the will to live from a lot of living organisms.”

Asked why Dancila’s speeches do not cause mass suicide also among humans, Dr. Pulescu said it was a “matter of natural selection”. He argued that PM Dancila has an IQ that is lower enough for her to not be able to use any language, so the random selection of sounds that comes out of her mouth is wasted on people. Also, he cited a number of defence mechanisms people resorted to, such as switching off the TV when she is about to talk, listening to blasting music or using headphones during her speeches.

“Oh, in case you were not aware, Dancila was the inspiration for Birdbox. Initially, the director wanted to use her speeches as the destructive force threatening humans, but after 20 seconds of listening to one of her speeches, she almost lost hope in humanity and cut her veins. That is why she opted for an <<invisible evil force>>” concluded Pulescu for the Berlin Group.

Contacted by the Berlin Group, PM Dancila uttered some animal sounds that we still work on deciphering.

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Mourning in Romania as Prime Minister Dancila and coalition leader Liviu Dragnea not among victims of Morandi bridge collapse

Bucharest, Romania

Scenes of utter disappointment in the Romanian capital of Bucharest, only days after a violent anti-corruption protest. Hopes were high in the Eastern European Member State when the Ministry of Foreign Affairs confirmed two Romanian casualties following the tragic collapse of Morandi Bridge in Genoa, Italy.

“I’m in tears. I was so sure, we all were so sure Dragnea and Dancila were running away after the protests, driving on that bridge to Switzerland…now we have to live with the fact that two hard working Romanians escaping poverty abroad are dead instead of them” said Ion Amariei, one of the many Romanians gathered in Bucharest’s Victory Square for a day of national mourning.

While most people showed desperation and grief, there were still a few optimists in the crowd.

“This is indeed sad. Those two Romanians probably have families, children, who were waiting for them back home. Me and my friends are checking updates on news outlets every minute, there are at least a dozen of people gone missing and – God willing – Dancila and Dragnea are among them” said Andrei Delatulcea, IT professional.

Many of the optimists gathered for mourning say they will stay in the square. They told The Berlin Group that their motivation comes from some plausible scenarios.

“They [ed. Dragnea and Dancila] haven’t shown their faces since we had the protest on Friday. We think they might have indeed run somewhere until spirits calm down. If Dancila drives, then they’re certainly in big trouble. She doesn’t even know how to read, but to drive? Hahaha”

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