Trump administration to impose bone saw export taxes to Saudi Arabia in retaliation for murdered journalist

Washington, D.C.

Only hours after Erdogan told the Turkish Parliament that Saudi Arabia premeditated Khashoggi’s murder, US President Donald Trump vouched retaliation for the “worst cover-up murder” of the Saudis. In a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump announced he will impose sanctions like no country has ever seen and promised that Saudis will feel the full force of US punishment.

“This is terrible, what they did is totally unacceptable and the US will not take more of this. This is bad. Really bad. Worst! So as of today, we’re imposing a 25% tax on bone saw exports. It will hit Saudi Arabia where it hurts them most: procurement of the centrepiece of their journalist assassination kit. Worst sanctions ever. They’ll come crawling back to us begging to lift those sanctions, I promise that.” said a visibly upset President Trump before taking questions from the journalists.

Answering the question of the Berlin Group correspondent on whether US is considering a weapon sales ban similar to that of Germany, Trump said there was no need for that.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe they did it, maybe they didn’t do it. Could they have done it? Yes. Did they do it? Yes. Did they know about it? We don’t know. Banning weapons sales would be bad for America, bad for the American people. We don’t want that. We just want Saudi Arabia to stop murdering journalists with bone saws” concluded  Trump.

US is the latest country to join an international wave on sanctions on the Saudis. Germany announced it will ban weapons sales, while France, the UK and Belgium sanctioned Saudi Arabia by selling them double the amounts of weapons they sell now.

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Netherlands charged for interfering in the US elections: Trump supporters were fed contaminated eggs, now proven to lower IQ

Washington D.C, US

A formidable U-turn in the investigation concerning US elections interference took place today, as the Netherlands is officially charged with knowingly contaminating millions of Americans with the sole purpose of helping the Trump campaign. Speaking at a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump-Russia special prosecutor Robert Muller confessed his team had been looking in the totally wrong direction:

“It came as a surprise for us too. This whole Russia thing did not really make sense. It was when the egg scandal went public in Europe that we realised what truly happened. The Dutch authorities shipped millions of contaminated eggs to the US ever since last June. Their sole purpose was to infest liberal Americans, lower their IQ and eventually trick them into voting for Trump. We apologise to Mr. Putin and to all the Russian people for misjudging this whole situation”

Berlin Group sources close to the Dutch administration say that the move came in the context of the US taking over international tulip trade and the refusal of Hillary Clinton to reach a compromise with the EU Member State. The Dutch first tested the eggs in the UK and upon achieving satisfying results with Brexit, they moved to the next stage. “With Trump elected”, our sources said, “it was clear that the US will shoot itself in the foot and we´ll once again take back control of the tulip trade.”

The EU has already started the procedures of expelling the Dutch from the EU, a move that took by surprise betting companies, who put their money on Hungary and Poland as first countries to be kicked out of the 28-strong block. It is unclear what the US response will be, as President Trump has not released any tweets yet.

Trump explains why he pulled out of the Paris Agreement: “It was all a big lie. Neither Paris Hilton nor any of the 9 Paris cities in the US had any agreement with any world leaders”

Washington, D.C.

Immediately after announcing that the US is pulling out of the Paris Agreement, Donald Trump launched a furious attack on world leaders for conspiring against his country.

“Last week I met with leaders of the top seven economies in the world, I met the EU leaders and they all lied straight to my face, all of them. They said there was a so-called Paris Agreement that the US had signed and should stick to it. I knew nothing about any agreement made by any of the Paris cities back home so I told them I will take some time to think about it. And guess what? It was all a great lie. Biggest lie ever” said an orange turned angry-red Donald Trump to the press on the Capitol Hill earlier today.

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President Donald Trump was visibly upset during his press conference at the Capitol Hill

Berlin sources from within the Trump administration told us that it all started with FBI Director Comey. It is apparent now that Comey conspired with other world leaders to feed fake news to the Trump administration with regards to the so-called Paris Agreement, which Comey claimed it was a valid global pact. The President had his doubts about Comey and eventually fired the head of FBI after the latter publicly confessed being vegan and endangered national security.

“Once he returned back to the US, President Trump started calling all the Paris municipalities: Paris, Arkansas; Paris, Idaho; Paris, Illinois; anyway, all 9 of them. He even rang Paris Hilton to ask her if she was in any way involved in this. In the end, he was understandably furious.”

Donal Trump said he is not consulting with top generals and security advisors to see which is the next course of action for his administration. Economic sanctions for world countries and cease of trade to and from the US are very likely though.

 

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