Trump administration to impose bone saw export taxes to Saudi Arabia in retaliation for murdered journalist

Washington, D.C.

Only hours after Erdogan told the Turkish Parliament that Saudi Arabia premeditated Khashoggi’s murder, US President Donald Trump vouched retaliation for the “worst cover-up murder” of the Saudis. In a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump announced he will impose sanctions like no country has ever seen and promised that Saudis will feel the full force of US punishment.

“This is terrible, what they did is totally unacceptable and the US will not take more of this. This is bad. Really bad. Worst! So as of today, we’re imposing a 25% tax on bone saw exports. It will hit Saudi Arabia where it hurts them most: procurement of the centrepiece of their journalist assassination kit. Worst sanctions ever. They’ll come crawling back to us begging to lift those sanctions, I promise that.” said a visibly upset President Trump before taking questions from the journalists.

Answering the question of the Berlin Group correspondent on whether US is considering a weapon sales ban similar to that of Germany, Trump said there was no need for that.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe they did it, maybe they didn’t do it. Could they have done it? Yes. Did they do it? Yes. Did they know about it? We don’t know. Banning weapons sales would be bad for America, bad for the American people. We don’t want that. We just want Saudi Arabia to stop murdering journalists with bone saws” concluded  Trump.

US is the latest country to join an international wave on sanctions on the Saudis. Germany announced it will ban weapons sales, while France, the UK and Belgium sanctioned Saudi Arabia by selling them double the amounts of weapons they sell now.

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Netherlands charged for interfering in the US elections: Trump supporters were fed contaminated eggs, now proven to lower IQ

Washington D.C, US

A formidable U-turn in the investigation concerning US elections interference took place today, as the Netherlands is officially charged with knowingly contaminating millions of Americans with the sole purpose of helping the Trump campaign. Speaking at a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump-Russia special prosecutor Robert Muller confessed his team had been looking in the totally wrong direction:

“It came as a surprise for us too. This whole Russia thing did not really make sense. It was when the egg scandal went public in Europe that we realised what truly happened. The Dutch authorities shipped millions of contaminated eggs to the US ever since last June. Their sole purpose was to infest liberal Americans, lower their IQ and eventually trick them into voting for Trump. We apologise to Mr. Putin and to all the Russian people for misjudging this whole situation”

Berlin Group sources close to the Dutch administration say that the move came in the context of the US taking over international tulip trade and the refusal of Hillary Clinton to reach a compromise with the EU Member State. The Dutch first tested the eggs in the UK and upon achieving satisfying results with Brexit, they moved to the next stage. “With Trump elected”, our sources said, “it was clear that the US will shoot itself in the foot and we´ll once again take back control of the tulip trade.”

The EU has already started the procedures of expelling the Dutch from the EU, a move that took by surprise betting companies, who put their money on Hungary and Poland as first countries to be kicked out of the 28-strong block. It is unclear what the US response will be, as President Trump has not released any tweets yet.

Trump explains why he pulled out of the Paris Agreement: “It was all a big lie. Neither Paris Hilton nor any of the 9 Paris cities in the US had any agreement with any world leaders”

Washington, D.C.

Immediately after announcing that the US is pulling out of the Paris Agreement, Donald Trump launched a furious attack on world leaders for conspiring against his country.

“Last week I met with leaders of the top seven economies in the world, I met the EU leaders and they all lied straight to my face, all of them. They said there was a so-called Paris Agreement that the US had signed and should stick to it. I knew nothing about any agreement made by any of the Paris cities back home so I told them I will take some time to think about it. And guess what? It was all a great lie. Biggest lie ever” said an orange turned angry-red Donald Trump to the press on the Capitol Hill earlier today.

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President Donald Trump was visibly upset during his press conference at the Capitol Hill

Berlin sources from within the Trump administration told us that it all started with FBI Director Comey. It is apparent now that Comey conspired with other world leaders to feed fake news to the Trump administration with regards to the so-called Paris Agreement, which Comey claimed it was a valid global pact. The President had his doubts about Comey and eventually fired the head of FBI after the latter publicly confessed being vegan and endangered national security.

“Once he returned back to the US, President Trump started calling all the Paris municipalities: Paris, Arkansas; Paris, Idaho; Paris, Illinois; anyway, all 9 of them. He even rang Paris Hilton to ask her if she was in any way involved in this. In the end, he was understandably furious.”

Donal Trump said he is not consulting with top generals and security advisors to see which is the next course of action for his administration. Economic sanctions for world countries and cease of trade to and from the US are very likely though.

 

PC running on Windows ´95 links North Korea to global cyber-attack

Fort Meade, Maryland

The National Security Agency (NSA) of the United States just confirmed that allegations of North Korea being behind the massive global cyber-attack that crippled IT systems in more than 150 countries are true. Top programmers from the NSA department of EMUSS (Elaboration of Mass Unauthorised Spying Software) confirmed that their <Wanna cry> software was run on a PC in North Korea.

“We developed this spying software during a lunch break, the boys were just fooling around in the attic and found a PC running on ’95. Of course that was 20 years ago, and the PC is somewhere at the Smithsonian in the Archeology section. There is only one PC in the world that still uses Windows ´95 and that is Kim Jong-un´s. Apparently his father bought it to him with half of the country´s GDP at the time so he could play Solitaire, but the Kim family didn´t have money for an upgrade ever since” said head of EMUSS, Frank Haisenberg.

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Cyber experts say that there is 98% consensus among the community that Kim did not want to launch the attack and he is most probably not even aware of what he´s done.

“Internet is very restricted in North Korea. Kim can only afford to connect once a year for a few hours to play Solitaire in the global network. Probably that´s when it happened but the spying programme was a bit confused so it took sometime for it to find its wait through. A lot has happened since the ´90s” James Dickinson of CyberWatch told The Berlin Group immediately after EMUSS´press conference.

As soon as the news reached global leaders, President-Sultan Erdogan told the students he was talking to at the University of Sharia and Radicalisation in Istanbul that “This clarifies everything. I used to lose every year at this Solitaire competition to a user called SupremeLead01 and we used to bet beforehand. He would always ask for a PC running on Windows ´98 in case he wins but as soon as the game was over he appeared disconnected. I will send him one of my Macs and the iPhone I used to FaceTime during the coup. Allah is great and generous, even with non-believers, as long as they crack down on human rights” .

There was no tweet from President Trump at the time this article was edited but our sources at the Pentagon informed us that a military cargo shipping classified equipment was heading to the Korean peninsula. “It is, however, well known that the President is a big fan of Minesweeper” said our source.

 

 

 

FBI director sacked and sent to Europe because he confessed being vegan

Washington D.C., US

FBI director James Comey was sacked today in a shock move by President Putin Trump. The reasons for his firing are still unclear and some have argued it might have to do with the investigation Comey was making into the links between Russia and the Trump campaign. Reliable inside sources, however, told The Berlin Group the truth could be nowhere farther.

“Comey disregarded every advice he got from the top FBI management. Everyone knows that you can´t expect the FBI to be respected in and outside the US if the director is vegan. That´s not how it works, it´s a matter of national security and that´s why Comey being vegan has been one of the US best kept secrets. But then he had to come out…” said one of our sources.

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During a press conference yesterday, Comey told reporters he was vegan. Reporters initially chuckled and told him it was a good joke, just to be told back that “at the FBI, we don´t do jokes”. In a later tweet, President Trump said Comey almost cause a Russian invasion, later explaining to staff at the White House that “we all know Russians. They´re ferocious meat eaters, they hold their alcohol well, we need someone in the FBI at that level. Comey should go to Europe where he´ll fit right in. No one takes EU´s foreign policy seriously, they´re all vegans!”

Asked what they thought about FBI Director being vegan, 95% of the US citizens asked “what is vegan?” while having their usual McLunch.

11 things you should know about the planets discovered by NASA

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  1. Mossack Fonseca already established a tax haven on planet H and their first account application came from Iceland. Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson refused to comment on this.
  2. The 7 planets are as far from us as we are from democracy – 40 light years.
  3. Planet B organised a referendum regarding its status in the EU. 52% of the population voted OUT. NASA is still debating on the actual existence of intelligent life on the planet so the results could be invalidated.
  4. A number of artificially created islands and an Apple factory were detected on planet F. China denied accusations of colonisation.
  5. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un claimed planet E, arguing that the lack of  edible food on the planet proves it is North Korean territory.
  6. Mac Donald´s announced it will launch its first extraterrestrial facility on planet E and reassured Kim-Jong un that this will not change the status quo. “Everyone knows our food is inedible” MacDonald´s spokesman told the press on Sunday while chocking on a BigMac.
  7. Erdogan hurried to proclaim an Islamic Republic on planet G.”I had to do it fast, before they found out about human rights”, he explained in a rushed FaceTime video message to the Berlin Group.
  8. Donald Trump commissioned a wall around planet C – already US territory – to keep it safe from Mexicans.
  9. Mexicans also commissioned a wall around the first wall surrounding planet C to keep the solar system safe from Donald Trump. Their example was followed by Germany, France and Poland.
  10. Exxon Mobile sent an official letter to planets D and F to inquire whether they have any environmental standards.
  11. The Pope sued NASA for copyrights over TRAPPIST.

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