France, UK and Belgium impose sanctions on Saudi Arabia by selling them more weapons

Brussels, Belgium

Visibly upset by the incompetence and the amateurish way in which the Saudi secret services butchered a journalists, leading EU nations showed once again global leadership. In a joint statement in Brussels, France, Belgium and the UK pledged to impose sanctions on the Gulf State by doubling their sales of weapons to the Saudis. To top it up, the leading EU nations also vouched to train the Saudi military in the latest assassination techniques.

“We are here not because we want it but because we’re needed. European leadership is needed and France is here to work for European interests. Even if, disappointingly, Germany decided to impose a ban on the sale of their weapons to Saudi Arabia, us, Belgium and the UK promise to do the right thing. The right thing, of course, is to double ours sales in the military sector to Saudi Arabia with the latest technologies available. I’m convinced this is the right thing to do and France will not shy away from doing the right thing!” said French President Emanuel Macron in the applauses of enthusiastic youth present in the Belgian Capital.

“What we want is a good deal for Saudi Arabia. It is obvious that their truly barbaric murder of Mr. Khashoggi stems from their outdated military equipment and poorly trained armed forces. In the UK, we would have made sure not only that a journalist’s murder would be fast, bloodless and painless but also that no one will ever miss that person or know that person existed in the first place. That’s what makes the UK such a great nation. We therefore stand next to France in this endeavour and we will provide all the assistance needed to our Saudi partners. We’re even willing to also double our weapons sales, we’re that committed!” said British Prime Minister Theresa May in the applauses of no one.

Charles Michel, the Prime Minister of Belgium, was very clear in the intensions of his country:

“Belgium is standing up to Germany’s ridiculous move and joining sanctions imposed by France and the UK. We live in the 21st century, a journalist cannot be butchered, he must be killed discreetly and with some human consideration. Of course we are upset but we, Belgians, are not making troubles. We are providing solutions! Sales of our highest tech weapons will therefore double for Saudi Arabia and they also need to accept training of their army. For God’s sake, we have important issues to worry about in Europe, like trade, jobs, indefinite growth and kicking migrants out. Having to take a stance and follow-up on some journalist murder is not something we want to be bothered with. All we want to do is to make sure next time the Saudis kill someone, they will leave no trace.”

Mohammed bin Salman exclusively commented for the Berlin Group that he was not pleased with the European sanctions. However, he stressed that his modernisation reform is his top priority and that cannot be done without the help of his European partners, thus he already signed a fat check for 20 new weapon deals.

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Brexit postponed to 2056: Theresa May is waiting for a competent British leader to take UK out of the EU

Brussels, Belgium

In an expected turn of events, Theresa May and the EU leaders agreed on Thursday that the Brexit transition period should be extended. Following the press conference, both parties seemed to be in a merry mood, as they were relieved that an ordeal finished.

“It is probably the first time we’ve been honest in our talks” said Theresa May in front of the journalists, after taking the mic with a little dance on ABBA’s Dancing Queen. “I was very frank with Jean-Claude (ed. Jean-Claude Juncker, Commission President) and all the other 27 EU leaders. There is no one, I repeat, no one in the UK at the moment who is competent enough to strike a decent deal on at least one Brexit chapter. Best we can do is sit on our arses and wait for a good Brexit deal to fall out of the skies. Because that’s what we want, a good Brexit deal for the British people. But that hasn’t happened yet so I suggested we wait and see if Britain will get a political leadership with some common sense, or even a competent leader – we can always hope no? – in the next 3 decades”

EU leaders were visibly pleased by May’s suggestion.

“Thank God we’re finally on the same page. Now we can focus on things that matter, like immigration, raise of the right-wing or the Italians making a mess of their budget” said a tipsy Juncker at the same press conference.

Michel Barnier, EU’s negotiator for Brexit, also saluted the result of the summit.

“This is by far the greatest achievement of the Brexit talks. It has been painful to interact with the British negotiators and the Torries, their incompetence gave me migraines. Now I can finally relax and maybe my grandchildren can find someone with a bit of brain in Britain in half a century or so” said Mr. Barnier according to our Berlin Group sources.

The Berlin Group contact Boris Johnson for a statement but up to this point our translators from blablerrish to English are still working to decipher his 10 seconds response.

 

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