Emanuel Macron will quit French Presidency and become Trade Minister in Saudi Arabia

Paris, France

In a shock press conference at the Elysee Palace in Paris, France, Emmanuel Macron announced a move that was not expected by anyone but which explains his recent declarations. Facing dozens of French and foreign journalists, Mr. Macron said he will step down as President of the Republic and become Saudi Arabia’s Trade Minister.

“Let us be honest. I have done nothing as President, save from nice speeches now and then. I’m not one to stay without results. My decision also comes from the fact that many European leaders and indeed French citizens, asked me to halt French weapons trade with the Saudis. I found that ridiculous, human rights and trade do not go hand in hand, I even wrote that in my masters thesis. So, you see, I cannot adhere to my personal principles if I ban weapons trade with the Saudis. If trade does not come to you, you go to trade, that’s what I think. And last but not least, the Saudis will pay me ten times more than I earn here, but that’s just details” said a smiling Macron.

Macron also lamented at how people overlooked his recent sanctions on Saudi Arabia, which consisted of selling more weapons to the Saudis. He further complained about US President Trump imposing bone saw trade restrictions to the Saudis.

“What Saudi Arabia needs is to modernise. Modernise its military industry, modernise its assassination techniques, modernise its cover-ups. People need to understand this and I think MBS (ed. Mohammed bin Salman, crown prince) is on the same page here” concluded Macron while climbing into the gold-plated Saudi helicopter that flew him from the Elysee Palace to Riyadh.

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Trump administration to impose bone saw export taxes to Saudi Arabia in retaliation for murdered journalist

Washington, D.C.

Only hours after Erdogan told the Turkish Parliament that Saudi Arabia premeditated Khashoggi’s murder, US President Donald Trump vouched retaliation for the “worst cover-up murder” of the Saudis. In a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump announced he will impose sanctions like no country has ever seen and promised that Saudis will feel the full force of US punishment.

“This is terrible, what they did is totally unacceptable and the US will not take more of this. This is bad. Really bad. Worst! So as of today, we’re imposing a 25% tax on bone saw exports. It will hit Saudi Arabia where it hurts them most: procurement of the centrepiece of their journalist assassination kit. Worst sanctions ever. They’ll come crawling back to us begging to lift those sanctions, I promise that.” said a visibly upset President Trump before taking questions from the journalists.

Answering the question of the Berlin Group correspondent on whether US is considering a weapon sales ban similar to that of Germany, Trump said there was no need for that.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe they did it, maybe they didn’t do it. Could they have done it? Yes. Did they do it? Yes. Did they know about it? We don’t know. Banning weapons sales would be bad for America, bad for the American people. We don’t want that. We just want Saudi Arabia to stop murdering journalists with bone saws” concluded  Trump.

US is the latest country to join an international wave on sanctions on the Saudis. Germany announced it will ban weapons sales, while France, the UK and Belgium sanctioned Saudi Arabia by selling them double the amounts of weapons they sell now.

France, UK and Belgium impose sanctions on Saudi Arabia by selling them more weapons

Brussels, Belgium

Visibly upset by the incompetence and the amateurish way in which the Saudi secret services butchered a journalists, leading EU nations showed once again global leadership. In a joint statement in Brussels, France, Belgium and the UK pledged to impose sanctions on the Gulf State by doubling their sales of weapons to the Saudis. To top it up, the leading EU nations also vouched to train the Saudi military in the latest assassination techniques.

“We are here not because we want it but because we’re needed. European leadership is needed and France is here to work for European interests. Even if, disappointingly, Germany decided to impose a ban on the sale of their weapons to Saudi Arabia, us, Belgium and the UK promise to do the right thing. The right thing, of course, is to double ours sales in the military sector to Saudi Arabia with the latest technologies available. I’m convinced this is the right thing to do and France will not shy away from doing the right thing!” said French President Emanuel Macron in the applauses of enthusiastic youth present in the Belgian Capital.

“What we want is a good deal for Saudi Arabia. It is obvious that their truly barbaric murder of Mr. Khashoggi stems from their outdated military equipment and poorly trained armed forces. In the UK, we would have made sure not only that a journalist’s murder would be fast, bloodless and painless but also that no one will ever miss that person or know that person existed in the first place. That’s what makes the UK such a great nation. We therefore stand next to France in this endeavour and we will provide all the assistance needed to our Saudi partners. We’re even willing to also double our weapons sales, we’re that committed!” said British Prime Minister Theresa May in the applauses of no one.

Charles Michel, the Prime Minister of Belgium, was very clear in the intensions of his country:

“Belgium is standing up to Germany’s ridiculous move and joining sanctions imposed by France and the UK. We live in the 21st century, a journalist cannot be butchered, he must be killed discreetly and with some human consideration. Of course we are upset but we, Belgians, are not making troubles. We are providing solutions! Sales of our highest tech weapons will therefore double for Saudi Arabia and they also need to accept training of their army. For God’s sake, we have important issues to worry about in Europe, like trade, jobs, indefinite growth and kicking migrants out. Having to take a stance and follow-up on some journalist murder is not something we want to be bothered with. All we want to do is to make sure next time the Saudis kill someone, they will leave no trace.”

Mohammed bin Salman exclusively commented for the Berlin Group that he was not pleased with the European sanctions. However, he stressed that his modernisation reform is his top priority and that cannot be done without the help of his European partners, thus he already signed a fat check for 20 new weapon deals.

Saudi prince denies knowing journalist fate: “I don’t know if the men I sent hanged, shot or stoned him”

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

Prince Mohammed Bin Salam of Saudi Arabia finally broke the silence on Tuesday and declared his innocence. During a press conference held in the Saudi capital with journalists participating via Skype from safe, un-named countries, MBS  answered questions related to the killing of Jamal Khashoggi.

“I cannot properly answer your question because I simply do not have the complete answer. I sent some men to take care of him but I have no clue about how they killed him. I don’t know if the men I sent hanged, shot or stoned him. They might have tortured him to death for all I know. It would also be impossible for me to find out – already asked my secret services to kill the killers so as to not leave any traces behind” said MBS in response to a question from the Berlin Group, while writing down the name of our correspondent in the Middle East.

MBS also blamed Erdogan for the current international scandal regarding the assassination of the Saudi journalist.

“This is all Erdogan’s fault. He told me he would reintroduce capital punishment. Had he done that we wouldn’t be talking about such irrelevant topics here, today. But well, what can you expect from an old rusty incompetent guy like him. He’s too afraid he’ll lose EU money if he does it. We’ll see what he does when I switch off the oil taps” concluded MBS angrily, returning to his room and resuming “World of Warcraft”.

Saudi players ask for political asylum after 0-5 defeat with Russia

Moscow, Russia

Tears of both joy and desperation could be seen at the end of the 2018 World Cup kick-off match in Moscow. In what was broadly expected to be a friendly draw, Russian players administered a humiliating 5-0 to the Saudi team. Stakes were high on both sides, as the players engaged in the field with Vladimir Putin and Prince Mohammed bin Salman (aka MBS) watching from the VIP lounge of the stadium. Sources from Prince’s entourage told the Berlin Group that the match started with a casual bet between the two leaders.

“It was nothing, really. Just the usual. MBS told Putin he’ll recognize Crimea was part of Russia and contribute with a humble 50 million to arm pro-Russian rebels in Eastern Ukraine if Putin’s players won. Putin promised to wipe out Huthi militia in Yemen and stage a coup in Syria with a new leader at the Kingdom’s liking if the Saudis ended up with the 3 points after the match. But the real fun started at 2-0 for the Russians”

According to the same source, MBS was already planning to ban Saudi football players from driving at 1-0. At 2-0 he was texting each individual player with the number of lashes awaiting him in Riyadh. At 3-0 it was waterboarding and other forms of torture. 4-0  and they were all labelled agents of Hezbollah and threatened with lapidation. At 5-0 MBS promised public hanging.

“MBS was quite joyful after the match and promised Putin to send him a live facebook feed with the executions after the World Cup”, said another source close to the Russian president.

Understandably, Saudi players asked for asylum in Russia right after the match. Upon consultation with MBS, Putin generously offered to give residence permits to all Saudi footballers and provide them with facilities in the city of Goulagenburg, central Siberia.

Saudi Arabia continues progressive reform: after allowing women to drive, it now vouches to stop funding terrorists by 2100

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

The Saudi capital saw scenes of fierce debate between ultra conservatives and moderates, as King Salman passed a royal decree that prohibits funding of jihadist organisations after 2100, days after he granted women the right to drive. While world leaders welcomed the move of the Saudi monarch, many ultraconservatives in the leadership showed anger and vouched to fight the decree.

“This is a slap in the face for any real wahhabist and a sloppy move by our King. By signing this decree, not only does he recognise in front of the international community that is us and not Qatar financing terrorism, but he is also eroding our most fundamental religious values”, a high-ranking official told The Berlin Group earlier this morning.

Addressing his subjects in Riyadh, King Salman said that in order to fully implement the decree, his country will need to move away from the two industries that make up 99% of its GDP: oil and military: “We need rapid progress, we need to catch up with the rest of the world. 2100 is an ambitious target but I trust our leadership and the leadership after that will make it happen. There are other, more pressing issues at stake now, such as climate change: climate change is real and we need to act immediately.”

Hours after the announcement, 1 million US citizens reportedly applied for asylum in Saudi Arabia.

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