Ryanair follows ScotRail model and will now flush human waste out of planes during flight

Edinburgh, Scotland

An exciting upgrade partnership was concluded today between ScotRail and budget air carrier Ryanair. After ScotRail announced their ambitious train carriage modernisation plans, which include flushing human waste on tracks from its moving trains, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary was quick to follow suit.

“Aye, the only reason why I’m a bit upset about all this thing is that I didn’t think about it meself! What ScotRail is doing is revolutionary. Doing it from planes takes it to a totally different level. I found four reasons why this is probably the best measure Ryanair has come up with in recent decades. First, it provides much needed nutritious human waste to the world’s oceans and farmland, so it’s circularity you see. Second, it makes people aware of the impact aviation has on Earth. Third, it gives a premium experience to our customers, who can now literally sh*t on others. Fourth, it’s cheap, actually free!” said an over enthusiast O’Leary in front of journalists and ScotRail senior representatives.

On their part, ScotRail said they were pleased others in the transport sector are following their modernisation plan.

“It only proves how well we’ve done, no? There were some protests about it, but it’s always like this when it comes to revolutionary ideas. Throwing human waste from ScotRail trains directly on to railways will benefit communities along the railway track! They will now be able to collect the waste and put it on their farmland and grow potatoes!” said Alex Hynes, managing director at ScotRail.

However, sources for the Berlin Group told our journalists that the event brought some tensions. In particular, railway operators from Hungary (MAV) and Romania (CFR) complained that flushing human waste directly on tracks was first patented by them and so they will sue ScotRail for stealing intellectual property.

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Ryanair voted world’s best airline by UKIP

London, UK

Surprising turn of events on Sunday in the British capital, where UKIP held its prestigious “World’s best airline” annual event in a white, English neighbourhood. Although most experts and indeed UKIP members and sympathisers initially thought this year’s award will be an easy win by United Airlines, Ryanair’s latest racist episode changed everything.

“It was just splendid and we had to reward Ryanair for being so supporting racism so blatantly. Of course with its openly violent and racist business model¬†United has been topping the carts in the last years. But, hey, just as with democracy in Europe, everyone gets their godfather sooner or later!” former UKIP leader Nigel Farage jubilated on the stage.

But racism was not the only strength for Ryanair. The company is famous for basically stealing their customer’s money by means of ridiculous taxes and a terrible service. This was also highly appreciated by UKIP. Boris Johnson, a honorary guest at the award event this year, put it in terms that the UKIP audience could understand:

“Ryaniar is just b-brilliant, I mean they f*ck the poor big time, which is what we like to see, innit? Especially the Ro-romanians, B-Bulgarians and other untouchable immigrants who come here to take our jobs and rape our women. We’ve learnt so much from their business model.”

Donald Trump also tweeted in support of Ryanair, praising its CEO Michael O’Leary for standing his ground and dismissing the of climate change is real, which is just fake news to support the secret agenda of Hillary Clinton & Co.

Ryanair said they were pleased to have won this year and promised to include a reminder of their victory to each and every of their stupid landing songs. Meanwhile, United Airlines released a statement exclusively for the Berlin Group, in which they showed their disappointment for not having won this year, vouching to stage a good comeback in 2019.

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