After Macedonia changed its name, 10 other countries followed suit

Skopje, Republic of North Macedonia

The Macedonian Parliament voted on Friday to pass a resolution that changes the country’s name, from the awkwardly long “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia” to a more viking-sounding one: Republic of North Macedonia. This is expected to solve the decades old dispute with Greece and allow the small Balkan country to keep its EU membership dreams alive. Realising that it is so easy to change a country’s name, 10 other countries followed suit, in a quest to make their own nations more attractive.

  1. The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland will change its name to The United Kingdom of Incompetence
  2. The Russian Federation will change its name to The Federation of Ex-Soviet States and the North Pole
  3. Hungary (Magyarorszag) just voted to change its name to NemSorosOrszag
  4. Turkey will now be called The Islamic Republic of  the North Saudi Ghetto
  5. Venezuela is as of today the Poor People’s Republic of No Food
  6. Moldova changed its name to East Romania, which is their only hope to enter the European Union
  7. The European Union is now The Union of Europe, Poland* and Hungary*
  8. Sweden changed its name to IKEA Republic
  9. Syria is the Islamic State of Boom-Boom
  10. The United States of America is the Twitter Federation

*Subject to change

Saudi players ask for political asylum after 0-5 defeat with Russia

Moscow, Russia

Tears of both joy and desperation could be seen at the end of the 2018 World Cup kick-off match in Moscow. In what was broadly expected to be a friendly draw, Russian players administered a humiliating 5-0 to the Saudi team. Stakes were high on both sides, as the players engaged in the field with Vladimir Putin and Prince Mohammed bin Salman (aka MBS) watching from the VIP lounge of the stadium. Sources from Prince’s entourage told the Berlin Group that the match started with a casual bet between the two leaders.

“It was nothing, really. Just the usual. MBS told Putin he’ll recognize Crimea was part of Russia and contribute with a humble 50 million to arm pro-Russian rebels in Eastern Ukraine if Putin’s players won. Putin promised to wipe out Huthi militia in Yemen and stage a coup in Syria with a new leader at the Kingdom’s liking if the Saudis ended up with the 3 points after the match. But the real fun started at 2-0 for the Russians”

According to the same source, MBS was already planning to ban Saudi football players from driving at 1-0. At 2-0 he was texting each individual player with the number of lashes awaiting him in Riyadh. At 3-0 it was waterboarding and other forms of torture. 4-0  and they were all labelled agents of Hezbollah and threatened with lapidation. At 5-0 MBS promised public hanging.

“MBS was quite joyful after the match and promised Putin to send him a live facebook feed with the executions after the World Cup”, said another source close to the Russian president.

Understandably, Saudi players asked for asylum in Russia right after the match. Upon consultation with MBS, Putin generously offered to give residence permits to all Saudi footballers and provide them with facilities in the city of Goulagenburg, central Siberia.

Putin denies nervous gas attack and says diluted vodka poisoned former KGB spy, while breaking down in tears

Moscow, Russia

Freshly re-elected at the Kremlin, President-for-life Vladimir Putin took some time to finally address the attack on former KGB spy Sergei Skripal. Speaking at a press-conference in the Red Square, he waved Western accusations as ridiculous “nonsense”:

“Come on, just stop all this nonsense about some Novichok or Kazachok or Vladivostok programme. There’s no such thing and even if it was, we did our research and KGB spies are resistant to that. We only use nervous gases on low-key targets when we apply the Syrian Method [Ed. Syrian Method was first described by The Berlin Group]. I mean we would if we had any, but we don’t.” said Putin in front of a handful of foreign media outlets allowed at the press-conference, The Berlin Group included.

While everyone expected this to be the end of a classic Putin press conference, the President-for-life lingered for a few moments and then broke down in tears, just to quickly recover and make a heart-breaking confession to those present in the room:

“Listen, I didn’t want this to go out before elections because it would have crushed the heart of any real Russian out there. Sergei was not poisoned by nervous gas. He was subject to the cruelest of all humiliations a Russian can be subject to. He was given diluted vodka and as God is my witness, I shall find whoever did that and use an overdose of Novichok on him. I mean I would if we had any but we don’t so I’ll find something else.” concluded Putin.

It is unclear what will happen next, but Putin will have to convince EU leaders that it was diluted vodka and not a nervous gas that poisoned the former KGB spy and his daughter. Follow us for the latest updates.

 

 

EU finds solution to overgrazing, soil erosion and continental security. All sheep to be fed with Russian soldiers by 2020

ANTARCTICA 2050 (1)Brussels, Belgium

The EU was quick to act following the sinking of a Russian spy vessel in the Black Sea by a Togolese cargo ship carrying Romanian sheep. Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker announced that a solution has finally been reached regarding the critical state of soils in Europe due to overgrazing and erosion – all European sheep will now feed on Russian soldiers instead of grass. As a side effect, continental security will also be ensured.

“I was talking to Federica Mogherini about renewing sanctions against Russia following the annexation of Crimea and I have to say we were not seeing eye to eye on how to move forward. But that´s when Karmenu Vella from DG Environment called me. He said <<Jean-Claude, you need to see this, tune in Russia Today!>>. So there we were: me, Federica and Karmenu, watching a live coverage of a Russian intelligence vessel sunk by sheep. That´s when it struck us!” said Juncker during a talk at the University of Leuven.

While representatives of the European Sheep Association (ESA) proudly welcomed the initiative, the Consumers, Health, Agriculture and Food Executive Agency (CHAFEA) expressed deep concerns regarding the Commission´s plans.

“We are very worried by this new initiative that Mr. Juncker is proposing. There are obvious concerns for our sheep´s health. 98% of the scientific community in Europe pointed out that eating Russian soldiers might cause abusive behaviour, lowering of the IQ and alcoholism” said CHAFEA´s director, Veronique Wasbauer.

Commission´s proposal, coded TOGO8800RO/04/2017 is to be consulted by the European Council and the European Parliament in an extraordinary session on the 4th of May.

 

 

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