Mass species extinction and climate change correlated with Romanian PM speeches

Bucharest, Romania

In a scientific breakthrough earlier today, Romanian scientists have finally found the cause of Earth’s mass species extinction. After two years of research, scientists were able to correlate with 99,9% accuracy Romania PM Viorica Dancila’s speeches with mass extinction episodes and extreme climate change events. Speaking at a conference in Bucharest, Dr. Barbu Pulescu explained the process:

“We have been speculating on this for two years. Ever since Dancila took office as Romania’s Prime Minister, we have seen an exponential increase in species extinction . We also witnessed several revisions of the International Panel on Climate Change, stating climate change is way worse they initially predicted. The problem is every time PM Dancila opens her mouth, most animals commit suicide. Because she is so stupid, she takes away the will to live from a lot of living organisms.”

Asked why Dancila’s speeches do not cause mass suicide also among humans, Dr. Pulescu said it was a “matter of natural selection”. He argued that PM Dancila has an IQ that is lower enough for her to not be able to use any language, so the random selection of sounds that comes out of her mouth is wasted on people. Also, he cited a number of defence mechanisms people resorted to, such as switching off the TV when she is about to talk, listening to blasting music or using headphones during her speeches.

“Oh, in case you were not aware, Dancila was the inspiration for Birdbox. Initially, the director wanted to use her speeches as the destructive force threatening humans, but after 20 seconds of listening to one of her speeches, she almost lost hope in humanity and cut her veins. That is why she opted for an <<invisible evil force>>” concluded Pulescu for the Berlin Group.

Contacted by the Berlin Group, PM Dancila uttered some animal sounds that we still work on deciphering.

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Guy Verhofstadt kicks ALDE Romania head out of ALDE facebook group after bribe accusations

Brussels, Belgium

A shocking move in the early hours of Thursday as leader of EU Parliament ALDE ¬†Group, Guy Verhofstadt, used his position as administrator of the ALDE Group facebook group to ruthlessly kick out ALDE Romania’s chief, Calin Popescu-Tariceanu. As Mr. Verhofstadt himself confessed at a lunch press conference, his decision came after Mr. Popescu-Tariceanu, who is also Head of Senate in Romania, ¬†was accused of taking bribes by the Romanian Anti-Corruption Division (DNA).

“I don’t usually do this kind of things” began Mr. Verhofstadt “You know me. I’m the queen of facebook and twitter, I have the best speech-writer in Brussels and I just blabber nice things about democracy all day long. Actions? No, not for me. We’ve been keeping ALDE Romania in our group although we know they are corrupted to the core and want to destroy the rule of law in Romania. That’s OK. But taking $800,000 bribes and not sharing it with your European family is something I cannot tolerate, especially not in my capacity as administrator of ALDE Group facebook group. People expected me to take action and I did. As of today 8:00am CET, Mr. Popescu-Tariceanu is no longer a member of our facebook group. I blocked him!” shouted ALDE Group leader, visibly upset.

Mr. Popescu-Tariceanu denied accusations by DNA and said he did not know who Guy Verhofstadt is.

“I vehemently deny these charges. I don’t know where DNA took those numbers from but I only accepted a $600,000 bribe. And no, I didn’t check my facebook, I only post once in a while. Who is Guy Verhofstadt?” asked a curious Tariceanu.

Sources for the Berlin Group said that in order to start a criminal case against Mr. Tariceanu DNA needs to win a vote from Senators to lift immunity. In a Parliament governed by corrupt leaders, this is very unlikely. We will be back with updates.

Ryanair follows ScotRail model and will now flush human waste out of planes during flight

Edinburgh, Scotland

An exciting upgrade partnership was concluded today between ScotRail and budget air carrier Ryanair. After ScotRail announced their ambitious train carriage modernisation plans, which include flushing human waste on tracks from its moving trains, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary was quick to follow suit.

“Aye, the only reason why I’m a bit upset about all this thing is that I didn’t think about it meself! What ScotRail is doing is revolutionary. Doing it from planes takes it to a totally different level. I found four reasons why this is probably the best measure Ryanair has come up with in recent decades. First, it provides much needed nutritious human waste to the world’s oceans and farmland, so it’s circularity you see. Second, it makes people aware of the impact aviation has on Earth. Third, it gives a premium experience to our customers, who can now literally sh*t on others. Fourth, it’s cheap, actually free!” said an over enthusiast O’Leary in front of journalists and ScotRail senior representatives.

On their part, ScotRail said they were pleased others in the transport sector are following their modernisation plan.

“It only proves how well we’ve done, no? There were some protests about it, but it’s always like this when it comes to revolutionary ideas. Throwing human waste from ScotRail trains directly on to railways will benefit communities along the railway track! They will now be able to collect the waste and put it on their farmland and grow potatoes!” said Alex Hynes, managing director at ScotRail.

However, sources for the Berlin Group told our journalists that the event brought some tensions. In particular, railway operators from Hungary (MAV) and Romania (CFR) complained that flushing human waste directly on tracks was first patented by them and so they will sue ScotRail for stealing intellectual property.

No mass protests today in Bucharest prompts Romanian government to send riot police in Turkey to beat anti-Erdogan protesters

Bucharest, Romania

Working in the Romanian riot police force is not an easy job. Riot policemen (called “jandarmi”) had a very busy weekend in Bucharest, where they had to beat hundreds of women, children, pensioners, students, journalists and people in wheelchair protesting against the corrupt and incompetent ruling coalition. Few of the policemen were also injured, but mostly by their own colleagues, who were too high on steroids to distinguish between protesters and police force. Speaking in a press conference after the events, the riot police commander hailed the excellent work done by his subordinates:

“It’s been a productive day. My colleagues have done an excellent job today and as you can see, the number of injured protesters grows by the hour. I would call it a real success, although killing one or two protesters might have sent an even stronger message. We look forward to further confrontations, I mean we got all this new nice equipment from the Ministry of Interior Affairs, we have to use it, right?” said Gheorghe Multa-Muica Cucos, police riot commander at a press conference on Saturday.

But with no mass protests planned for Monday, the Government had to change plans and send the riot police troops to Ankara and Istanbul, to help one of its key allies and idols, Mr. Erdogan. In a brief press conference on Monday morning, puppet Prime-Minister of Romania, Viorica Dancila, laid down next plans for the anti riot force:

“Mr. Liviu Dragnea told me to tell you this [reading from piece of paper]: We stand besides Mr. Erdogan, a symbol of authoritarianism and despotism in the region. Romania might not be there yet but we are learning and our Government is making sustained efforts to crack down on democracy and the rule of law”

Liviu Dragnea is the convicted leader of the Social Democrat Party and chief of the Deputy Chamber. It is believed he was the one ordering the new approach of the riot police, based on research he did on Brazil and Nicaragua. Meanwhile, Mr. Erdogan of Turkey has expressed gratitude to the Romanian Government. He suggested that before the riot police heads to his country, policemen should confiscate and plunder any euro, dollar or gold they find in their way, to help Turkish economy recover.

 

 

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