- The Berlin Group got exclusive access to Steve Bannon’s future salary: it starts at 4 goulash and 6 paprikas in the first year and reaches 0 in the second year, when Bannon will do what he does best: get fired.
- Rumours have it that Steve is still keeping a photo with Donald Trump in his wallet.
- Bannon wanted to learn Hungarian but Orban told him they can talk in Russian.
- Initially, Bannon sought to advise Erdogan but Erdogan only takes advice from God.
- Demand for top floor apartments in the vicinity of Budapest’s House of Parliament, as well as demand for rifles have skyrocketed in Hungary since Bannon announced he’ll move in the country.
- Jobbik, the Hungarian far-right party, acknowledged they’re horrified at the prospect of Bannon advising Orban.
- A caravan of Hungarian citizens of Jewish and Roma origin has left the capital Budapest and is heading to Austria.
- On hearing the news, Jared Kushner had a chat with Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. It is reported that 15 Saudi tourists and a bone saw boarded a plane to Budapest.
- There will now be two operation modes for Viktor Orban: Orbannon and Orbannoff.
- Romania, Serbia, Austria, Slovakia, Croatia and Ukraine started to build a wall along their borders with Hungary.
An exciting upgrade partnership was concluded today between ScotRail and budget air carrier Ryanair. After ScotRail announced their ambitious train carriage modernisation plans, which include flushing human waste on tracks from its moving trains, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary was quick to follow suit.
“Aye, the only reason why I’m a bit upset about all this thing is that I didn’t think about it meself! What ScotRail is doing is revolutionary. Doing it from planes takes it to a totally different level. I found four reasons why this is probably the best measure Ryanair has come up with in recent decades. First, it provides much needed nutritious human waste to the world’s oceans and farmland, so it’s circularity you see. Second, it makes people aware of the impact aviation has on Earth. Third, it gives a premium experience to our customers, who can now literally sh*t on others. Fourth, it’s cheap, actually free!” said an over enthusiast O’Leary in front of journalists and ScotRail senior representatives.
On their part, ScotRail said they were pleased others in the transport sector are following their modernisation plan.
“It only proves how well we’ve done, no? There were some protests about it, but it’s always like this when it comes to revolutionary ideas. Throwing human waste from ScotRail trains directly on to railways will benefit communities along the railway track! They will now be able to collect the waste and put it on their farmland and grow potatoes!” said Alex Hynes, managing director at ScotRail.
However, sources for the Berlin Group told our journalists that the event brought some tensions. In particular, railway operators from Hungary (MAV) and Romania (CFR) complained that flushing human waste directly on tracks was first patented by them and so they will sue ScotRail for stealing intellectual property.
Skopje, Republic of North Macedonia
The Macedonian Parliament voted on Friday to pass a resolution that changes the country’s name, from the awkwardly long “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia” to a more viking-sounding one: Republic of North Macedonia. This is expected to solve the decades old dispute with Greece and allow the small Balkan country to keep its EU membership dreams alive. Realising that it is so easy to change a country’s name, 10 other countries followed suit, in a quest to make their own nations more attractive.
- The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland will change its name to The United Kingdom of Incompetence
- The Russian Federation will change its name to The Federation of Ex-Soviet States and the North Pole
- Hungary (Magyarorszag) just voted to change its name to NemSorosOrszag
- Turkey will now be called The Islamic Republic of the North Saudi Ghetto
- Venezuela is as of today the Poor People’s Republic of No Food
- Moldova changed its name to East Romania, which is their only hope to enter the European Union
- The European Union is now The Union of Europe, Poland* and Hungary*
- Sweden changed its name to IKEA Republic
- Syria is the Islamic State of Boom-Boom
- The United States of America is the Twitter Federation
*Subject to change
Only hours after Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orban boosted on social media that he got himself a brand new rhinoceros, the visibly distressed animal managed to escape Orban’s shed and run free through the streets of Budapest, the Hungarian capital. The Ecuadorian Ambassador was quick to spot the animal while eating a dinner gulash with her husband in downtown Budapest. She immediately called home and suggested Ecuador offers asylum to the rhinoceros. The Ecuadorian President was quick to say yes, willing to keep the reputation of his country as one that offers shelter to those in need, unless they have a cat.
“I was eating some gulash, minosegi dish, they cook great stuff at this place close to St. Istvan Basilica you know, although customer service is rubbish. Anyway, I see this rhinoceros and from the terrified look on his face I know in an instant that he’s been around Orban. You can tell, you know, that man stinks both physically and morally. Of course we had to provide asylum as soon as possible, exotic animals are the last ones with some hope in this country” said Maria del Carmen Gonzalez Cabal, Ecuadorian Ambassador in Hungary.
The rhinoceros was immediately taken to the Ecuadorian Embassy for a medical test and hoofprinting. The veterinary on guard told the Berlin Group that the animal suffered from severe post-traumatic stress disorder, cause by being in contact with illiberalism, fascism and a highly toxic air composition. The toxicity has already proven to come from e-coli and other faeces bacteria, produced when Viktor Orban is talking.
Contacted by the Berlin Group, Viktor Orban was in a visible state of accentuated anger. He shouted in Hungarian for 10 full minutes. The only things we were able to understand were “Stop Soros”, “geci” and “fasz”. We will be back with updates, if any.
A Senate Committee set up to investigate the genealogical tree of Prime Minister Viktor Orban has just announced that they can now confirm Mr. Orban is of Jewish origins. This is an unlikely turn of events for the small country of Hungary, whose ruling party Fidesz has won elections on a campaign based on anti-semitism and hate speech.
“We can now confirm that Mr. Orban is 75% of Jewish origins. The other 25% is Roma. And just to make it clear, Roma is just a Western synonym for gypsy. Of course, this is without a doubt the most shameful moment in the recent history of our nation. Not even when Romanians stole Transylvania from us comes anywhere near this” said Attila Fehermagyar , president of the Committee during a press conference only hours ago. Asked how the committee was established in the first place, Mr. Fehermagyar replied that he personally received a tip in the form of a Whatsapp text message from a US whistle-blower who called himself “Gyorgy“.
Immediately after Mr. Fehermagyar held his conference, the Hungarian Parliament launched three days of national mourning and suspended Mr. Orban’s cabinet. Sources for the Berlin Group within the National Hungarian Army informed us that a military committee has been established and a trial accusing the Prime Minister or treason is only hours away. If found guilty, Mr. Orban will be sent to Brussels or even extradited to the US. He will then serve his life sentence in the form of a lifelong internship for one of the Open Society liberal prisons or similar, depending on ruling.
Update 13:30 CET: 60,000 Hungarians gathered to protest against Viktor Orban in Budapest
Update 14:30 CET: Fidesz leadership has unanimously voted to replace the STOP SOROS banners with STOP ORBAN graffitis
Update 15:30 CET: Former Hungarian Prime Minister found guilty of treason by military committee. Mr. Orban will be extradited to New York and serve his life sentence in the new Central European University (CEU) campus as library assistant
This Sunday (ed. 8th of April) Hungarians head to the polls to vote in presidential elections. There will be no surprise on the winner, as President-Minister Viktor Orban is set for yet another mandate at the head of the small Eastern European country. But there is indeed something that has surprised Europe in the last weeks – Orban’s sudden love story with the EU Commission. The Hungarian President is not unaccustomed to love stories with world leaders. Nonetheless, everyone saw his long-term relationship with Russia’s Vladimir Putin as rock-solid stalinist material. One of The Berlin Group’s most reliable sources from within the Hungarian Parliament revealed the secret exclusively and in premiere for us.
“Few weeks ago me and Viktor (ed. Viktor Orban) were having our usual after work palinka shots. Well earned palinka I’d add, that day we closed three pro-democracy NGOs and jailed one of those independent journalists. So Viktor was telling me that Vladyushka (ed. Vladimir Putin) is not as receptive to his messages as he used to be. <<We don’t talk anymore>> he told me, <<all this elections, shopping mall fire and nervous gas attack got his too busy for me..>>. Few Unicum shots later, he finally told me his heart was in Brussels with a couple he now dreamt of having a threesome with every night: Juncker and Selmayr”
To some, Orban’s dark desire would not come as a surprise though. After the hostile and undemocratic takeover of the Commission’s leadership by Juncker’s right hand Martin Selmayr (for an exclusive interview of The Berlin Group with Selmayr review our previous post), Orban simply can’t hide his admiration for the Brussels couple.
“The way Juncker and Selmayr mopped up with European democracy is just irresistible for someone like Orban. He will most probably become one of the most ardent supporters of the EU Commission and it’s very likely he’ll eye a position with the two tyrants now ruling in Brussels too. It will be more difficult than with his peasant electorate from Hungary though, Brussels is another game level” confessed another Fidesz source for us.
Do you see Orban in an EU leadership role? We’ll keep you posted with post-election developments, meanwhile let us know what you think!
In an unprecedented move, President Putin of Russia announced that Viktor Orban´s institution – the Government of the Socialist Republic of Hungary – needs to shut down its campus in Russia and move out. The news come as Russia´s Duma recently passed a law forbidding foreign-funded institutions to operate within the country´s borders.
“Let us be clear now. Orban´s institution could in theory continue activity in its Kremlin campus but this is conditioned by the Hungarian Government actually operating a campus also in the country where it receives financing from, so Hungary. Unfortunately for Mr. Orban, this is not the case” said Mr. Putin for Crimea TV+ earlier today.
It is well known that the Hungarian Government receives 5 billion euros from the EU and other billions of euros from the Hungarian taxpayers, despite of operating solely as a branch of the Kremlin and being physically based in Moscow. Mr. Putin´s move is part of recent pieces of legislation directed at modernising the country, increasing political accountability and strengthening the rule of law . Although Putin himself was financed by Mr. Orban´s institution in 1956 for a diplomatic internship in Budapest, the relationship between the two seem to have cooled down in last years, as Mr. Putin took a U-turn from totalitarianism to democracy.
“Putin is just acting in an unacceptably democratic way and targets specifically this government, he knows we cannot possibly start operating in Europe on such a short notice, they are too liberal and progressive there. The Hungarian Government has been a central instrument in crushing of the rule of law and democracy in the region but it seems this is not aligning with Putin´s plans anymore” Mr. Orban told The Berlin Group, stressing that the fight is not over and he will be seeking support in Beijing.
We will update the page as the events unfold.