Merkel is back in the game: Germans support immigration after United Africa wins World Cup in Russia

Berlin, Germany

The victory of United Africa on Sunday in the World Cup final over Croatia brought a change of heart for the German people. With their football team shamefully leaving the competition in the group stage, Germans have watched in bewilderment how a group of skilled and talented young Africans brought victory to their western neighbour.

“Why, I would have never…you see, we are too strict on immigration. The French did a great job letting in so many immigrants. I think Frau Merkel was right to begin with” said Schmetterling  Seehofer, conservative and AfD supporter from Bavaria.

Monday morning could not have started better for Angela Merkel, as her approval ratings soared back to 70% . In a televised press conference, Ms. Merkel encouraged the xenophobic countries of Poland, Slovakia, the Czech Republic and especially Hungary to think twice when it comes to accepting the proposed EU refugee quota.

“It is enough to look at the performance of your football teams to see that your immigration strategy is detrimental to your national interest and you will never manage to qualify further than the group stages. Viktor (Orban) you know exactly what I’m talking about” said Ms. Merkel.

Sources for the Berlin Group revealed that England also attributed its failure in the World Cup to the higher than normal white men ratio in their team. Meanwhile, Croatian coach Zlatko Dalic said his team is already made up of refugees from the Serbian war but acknowledged that “at least one African man” would have won them the match.

 

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Saudi players ask for political asylum after 0-5 defeat with Russia

Moscow, Russia

Tears of both joy and desperation could be seen at the end of the 2018 World Cup kick-off match in Moscow. In what was broadly expected to be a friendly draw, Russian players administered a humiliating 5-0 to the Saudi team. Stakes were high on both sides, as the players engaged in the field with Vladimir Putin and Prince Mohammed bin Salman (aka MBS) watching from the VIP lounge of the stadium. Sources from Prince’s entourage told the Berlin Group that the match started with a casual bet between the two leaders.

“It was nothing, really. Just the usual. MBS told Putin he’ll recognize Crimea was part of Russia and contribute with a humble 50 million to arm pro-Russian rebels in Eastern Ukraine if Putin’s players won. Putin promised to wipe out Huthi militia in Yemen and stage a coup in Syria with a new leader at the Kingdom’s liking if the Saudis ended up with the 3 points after the match. But the real fun started at 2-0 for the Russians”

According to the same source, MBS was already planning to ban Saudi football players from driving at 1-0. At 2-0 he was texting each individual player with the number of lashes awaiting him in Riyadh. At 3-0 it was waterboarding and other forms of torture. 4-0  and they were all labelled agents of Hezbollah and threatened with lapidation. At 5-0 MBS promised public hanging.

“MBS was quite joyful after the match and promised Putin to send him a live facebook feed with the executions after the World Cup”, said another source close to the Russian president.

Understandably, Saudi players asked for asylum in Russia right after the match. Upon consultation with MBS, Putin generously offered to give residence permits to all Saudi footballers and provide them with facilities in the city of Goulagenburg, central Siberia.

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