France, UK and Belgium impose sanctions on Saudi Arabia by selling them more weapons

Brussels, Belgium

Visibly upset by the incompetence and the amateurish way in which the Saudi secret services butchered a journalists, leading EU nations showed once again global leadership. In a joint statement in Brussels, France, Belgium and the UK pledged to impose sanctions on the Gulf State by doubling their sales of weapons to the Saudis. To top it up, the leading EU nations also vouched to train the Saudi military in the latest assassination techniques.

“We are here not because we want it but because we’re needed. European leadership is needed and France is here to work for European interests. Even if, disappointingly, Germany decided to impose a ban on the sale of their weapons to Saudi Arabia, us, Belgium and the UK promise to do the right thing. The right thing, of course, is to double ours sales in the military sector to Saudi Arabia with the latest technologies available. I’m convinced this is the right thing to do and France will not shy away from doing the right thing!” said French President Emanuel Macron in the applauses of enthusiastic youth present in the Belgian Capital.

“What we want is a good deal for Saudi Arabia. It is obvious that their truly barbaric murder of Mr. Khashoggi stems from their outdated military equipment and poorly trained armed forces. In the UK, we would have made sure not only that a journalist’s murder would be fast, bloodless and painless but also that no one will ever miss that person or know that person existed in the first place. That’s what makes the UK such a great nation. We therefore stand next to France in this endeavour and we will provide all the assistance needed to our Saudi partners. We’re even willing to also double our weapons sales, we’re that committed!” said British Prime Minister Theresa May in the applauses of no one.

Charles Michel, the Prime Minister of Belgium, was very clear in the intensions of his country:

“Belgium is standing up to Germany’s ridiculous move and joining sanctions imposed by France and the UK. We live in the 21st century, a journalist cannot be butchered, he must be killed discreetly and with some human consideration. Of course we are upset but we, Belgians, are not making troubles. We are providing solutions! Sales of our highest tech weapons will therefore double for Saudi Arabia and they also need to accept training of their army. For God’s sake, we have important issues to worry about in Europe, like trade, jobs, indefinite growth and kicking migrants out. Having to take a stance and follow-up on some journalist murder is not something we want to be bothered with. All we want to do is to make sure next time the Saudis kill someone, they will leave no trace.”

Mohammed bin Salman exclusively commented for the Berlin Group that he was not pleased with the European sanctions. However, he stressed that his modernisation reform is his top priority and that cannot be done without the help of his European partners, thus he already signed a fat check for 20 new weapon deals.

Advertisements

Brexit postponed to 2056: Theresa May is waiting for a competent British leader to take UK out of the EU

Brussels, Belgium

In an expected turn of events, Theresa May and the EU leaders agreed on Thursday that the Brexit transition period should be extended. Following the press conference, both parties seemed to be in a merry mood, as they were relieved that an ordeal finished.

“It is probably the first time we’ve been honest in our talks” said Theresa May in front of the journalists, after taking the mic with a little dance on ABBA’s Dancing Queen. “I was very frank with Jean-Claude (ed. Jean-Claude Juncker, Commission President) and all the other 27 EU leaders. There is no one, I repeat, no one in the UK at the moment who is competent enough to strike a decent deal on at least one Brexit chapter. Best we can do is sit on our arses and wait for a good Brexit deal to fall out of the skies. Because that’s what we want, a good Brexit deal for the British people. But that hasn’t happened yet so I suggested we wait and see if Britain will get a political leadership with some common sense, or even a competent leader – we can always hope no? – in the next 3 decades”

EU leaders were visibly pleased by May’s suggestion.

“Thank God we’re finally on the same page. Now we can focus on things that matter, like immigration, raise of the right-wing or the Italians making a mess of their budget” said a tipsy Juncker at the same press conference.

Michel Barnier, EU’s negotiator for Brexit, also saluted the result of the summit.

“This is by far the greatest achievement of the Brexit talks. It has been painful to interact with the British negotiators and the Torries, their incompetence gave me migraines. Now I can finally relax and maybe my grandchildren can find someone with a bit of brain in Britain in half a century or so” said Mr. Barnier according to our Berlin Group sources.

The Berlin Group contact Boris Johnson for a statement but up to this point our translators from blablerrish to English are still working to decipher his 10 seconds response.

 

Study finds metal smuggling contributes to achieving recycling targets and boosting a circular economy

Wetwank, Yorkshire

A study by British scientists at the University of Heavy and Rare Metals (UHRM) in Wetwank, Yorkshire, found that countries are more likely to reach their recycling targets if they are more lenient towards metal smugglers. The study looked at 23 countries within and outside the European Union (EU) and in all but two cases, their hypothesis was validated by data on the ground. The exceptions were Romania and Turkey. In Romania, it was found that people from the roma community were more efficient than smugglers to informally implement national recycling strategies. In Turkey, it was found that all smuggled metals – in particular gold – were confiscated by Erdogan to strengthen a falling Turkish Lira and so did not count in official statistics.

“Our study sends a strong signal to countries that have national recycling targets or are obliged to implement the Circular Economy Package of the EU. It is more so for countries that are struggling to reach those targets. Letting smugglers to deal with recycling is a win-win strategy. It flourishes local black economy and makes criminals richer. This increases tax revenue and decreases unemployment by means of human trafficking. At the same time, it looks good in national statistics so politicians can brag about it and boost their ratings”, said Olof Smuglesson, project leader.

Sources of The Berlin Group claim that police force in most of the case study countries welcomed the results. In Iceland, police said they can finally focus on things that matter, such as punishing mentally impaired tourists doing off-road driving. In Norway, police welcomed the chance of shifting efforts from smuggling prevention to confiscating Finnish reindeers  illegally crossing into the country. Governments seem to have also received the study well, apart from the US, where President Donald Trump tweeted he will impose a 25% import tax for metal smugglers.

 

FBI director sacked and sent to Europe because he confessed being vegan

Washington D.C., US

FBI director James Comey was sacked today in a shock move by President Putin Trump. The reasons for his firing are still unclear and some have argued it might have to do with the investigation Comey was making into the links between Russia and the Trump campaign. Reliable inside sources, however, told The Berlin Group the truth could be nowhere farther.

“Comey disregarded every advice he got from the top FBI management. Everyone knows that you can´t expect the FBI to be respected in and outside the US if the director is vegan. That´s not how it works, it´s a matter of national security and that´s why Comey being vegan has been one of the US best kept secrets. But then he had to come out…” said one of our sources.

Screen Shot 2017-05-10 at 17.02.03

During a press conference yesterday, Comey told reporters he was vegan. Reporters initially chuckled and told him it was a good joke, just to be told back that “at the FBI, we don´t do jokes”. In a later tweet, President Trump said Comey almost cause a Russian invasion, later explaining to staff at the White House that “we all know Russians. They´re ferocious meat eaters, they hold their alcohol well, we need someone in the FBI at that level. Comey should go to Europe where he´ll fit right in. No one takes EU´s foreign policy seriously, they´re all vegans!”

Asked what they thought about FBI Director being vegan, 95% of the US citizens asked “what is vegan?” while having their usual McLunch.

10 reactions of world leaders following Macron´s election

Paris, France.

Emanuel Macron obtained a landslide victory in the French elections on Sunday and world leaders were quick to react. Here´s what The Berlin Group found out from the top political figures:

  • Donald Trump said he was excited to work with Macron on building a wall that will protect France from Afro-Mexicans
  • While texting via Whatsapp to a contact mysteriously called “Vlady”, Viktor Orban said he needed more time to reflect on what happened
  • Angela Merkel said she called back the German troops stationed at the French border for the last week as soon as polls showed Marine Le Pen lost the elections
  • Vladimir Putin was busy writing a press conference in Hungarian
  • Erdogan called Le Pen and told her she was welcome to become one of the First Ladies of the Turkish Sultanate
  • Theresa May reportedly asked her Finance Minister to add 100 billion euros to the bill UK has to pay for leaving the EU
  • Justin Trudeau invited Macron for a duo photoshoot on the cover of Canada´s prime LGBT magazine
  • Leaders of Italy, Spain and Portugal were having their usual siesta and said they will release a statement later, though no time was indicated
  • While queing at an ATM in Athens, Greek PM Alexis Tsipras said his government was now translating a new loan request in French
  • Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un successfully tested another intercontinental missile, on which he wrote “En Marche!”
  • President Xi Jinping of China called Macron and suggested Chinese companies could be contracted at very competitive prices to build the Europe he dreams of

EU finds solution to overgrazing, soil erosion and continental security. All sheep to be fed with Russian soldiers by 2020

ANTARCTICA 2050 (1)Brussels, Belgium

The EU was quick to act following the sinking of a Russian spy vessel in the Black Sea by a Togolese cargo ship carrying Romanian sheep. Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker announced that a solution has finally been reached regarding the critical state of soils in Europe due to overgrazing and erosion – all European sheep will now feed on Russian soldiers instead of grass. As a side effect, continental security will also be ensured.

“I was talking to Federica Mogherini about renewing sanctions against Russia following the annexation of Crimea and I have to say we were not seeing eye to eye on how to move forward. But that´s when Karmenu Vella from DG Environment called me. He said <<Jean-Claude, you need to see this, tune in Russia Today!>>. So there we were: me, Federica and Karmenu, watching a live coverage of a Russian intelligence vessel sunk by sheep. That´s when it struck us!” said Juncker during a talk at the University of Leuven.

While representatives of the European Sheep Association (ESA) proudly welcomed the initiative, the Consumers, Health, Agriculture and Food Executive Agency (CHAFEA) expressed deep concerns regarding the Commission´s plans.

“We are very worried by this new initiative that Mr. Juncker is proposing. There are obvious concerns for our sheep´s health. 98% of the scientific community in Europe pointed out that eating Russian soldiers might cause abusive behaviour, lowering of the IQ and alcoholism” said CHAFEA´s director, Veronique Wasbauer.

Commission´s proposal, coded TOGO8800RO/04/2017 is to be consulted by the European Council and the European Parliament in an extraordinary session on the 4th of May.

 

 

11 things you should know about the planets discovered by NASA

6a00d8341bf7f753ef01b7c8d90025970b-800wi

  1. Mossack Fonseca already established a tax haven on planet H and their first account application came from Iceland. Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson refused to comment on this.
  2. The 7 planets are as far from us as we are from democracy – 40 light years.
  3. Planet B organised a referendum regarding its status in the EU. 52% of the population voted OUT. NASA is still debating on the actual existence of intelligent life on the planet so the results could be invalidated.
  4. A number of artificially created islands and an Apple factory were detected on planet F. China denied accusations of colonisation.
  5. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un claimed planet E, arguing that the lack of  edible food on the planet proves it is North Korean territory.
  6. Mac Donald´s announced it will launch its first extraterrestrial facility on planet E and reassured Kim-Jong un that this will not change the status quo. “Everyone knows our food is inedible” MacDonald´s spokesman told the press on Sunday while chocking on a BigMac.
  7. Erdogan hurried to proclaim an Islamic Republic on planet G.”I had to do it fast, before they found out about human rights”, he explained in a rushed FaceTime video message to the Berlin Group.
  8. Donald Trump commissioned a wall around planet C – already US territory – to keep it safe from Mexicans.
  9. Mexicans also commissioned a wall around the first wall surrounding planet C to keep the solar system safe from Donald Trump. Their example was followed by Germany, France and Poland.
  10. Exxon Mobile sent an official letter to planets D and F to inquire whether they have any environmental standards.
  11. The Pope sued NASA for copyrights over TRAPPIST.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑