PC running on Windows ´95 links North Korea to global cyber-attack

Fort Meade, Maryland

The National Security Agency (NSA) of the United States just confirmed that allegations of North Korea being behind the massive global cyber-attack that crippled IT systems in more than 150 countries are true. Top programmers from the NSA department of EMUSS (Elaboration of Mass Unauthorised Spying Software) confirmed that their <Wanna cry> software was run on a PC in North Korea.

“We developed this spying software during a lunch break, the boys were just fooling around in the attic and found a PC running on ’95. Of course that was 20 years ago, and the PC is somewhere at the Smithsonian in the Archeology section. There is only one PC in the world that still uses Windows ´95 and that is Kim Jong-un´s. Apparently his father bought it to him with half of the country´s GDP at the time so he could play Solitaire, but the Kim family didn´t have money for an upgrade ever since” said head of EMUSS, Frank Haisenberg.


Cyber experts say that there is 98% consensus among the community that Kim did not want to launch the attack and he is most probably not even aware of what he´s done.

“Internet is very restricted in North Korea. Kim can only afford to connect once a year for a few hours to play Solitaire in the global network. Probably that´s when it happened but the spying programme was a bit confused so it took sometime for it to find its wait through. A lot has happened since the ´90s” James Dickinson of CyberWatch told The Berlin Group immediately after EMUSS´press conference.

As soon as the news reached global leaders, President-Sultan Erdogan told the students he was talking to at the University of Sharia and Radicalisation in Istanbul that “This clarifies everything. I used to lose every year at this Solitaire competition to a user called SupremeLead01 and we used to bet beforehand. He would always ask for a PC running on Windows ´98 in case he wins but as soon as the game was over he appeared disconnected. I will send him one of my Macs and the iPhone I used to FaceTime during the coup. Allah is great and generous, even with non-believers, as long as they crack down on human rights” .

There was no tweet from President Trump at the time this article was edited but our sources at the Pentagon informed us that a military cargo shipping classified equipment was heading to the Korean peninsula. “It is, however, well known that the President is a big fan of Minesweeper” said our source.





11 things you should know about the planets discovered by NASA


  1. Mossack Fonseca already established a tax haven on planet H and their first account application came from Iceland. Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson refused to comment on this.
  2. The 7 planets are as far from us as we are from democracy – 40 light years.
  3. Planet B organised a referendum regarding its status in the EU. 52% of the population voted OUT. NASA is still debating on the actual existence of intelligent life on the planet so the results could be invalidated.
  4. A number of artificially created islands and an Apple factory were detected on planet F. China denied accusations of colonisation.
  5. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un claimed planet E, arguing that the lack of  edible food on the planet proves it is North Korean territory.
  6. Mac Donald´s announced it will launch its first extraterrestrial facility on planet E and reassured Kim-Jong un that this will not change the status quo. “Everyone knows our food is inedible” MacDonald´s spokesman told the press on Sunday while chocking on a BigMac.
  7. Erdogan hurried to proclaim an Islamic Republic on planet G.”I had to do it fast, before they found out about human rights”, he explained in a rushed FaceTime video message to the Berlin Group.
  8. Donald Trump commissioned a wall around planet C – already US territory – to keep it safe from Mexicans.
  9. Mexicans also commissioned a wall around the first wall surrounding planet C to keep the solar system safe from Donald Trump. Their example was followed by Germany, France and Poland.
  10. Exxon Mobile sent an official letter to planets D and F to inquire whether they have any environmental standards.
  11. The Pope sued NASA for copyrights over TRAPPIST.

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