In a shock press conference at the Elysee Palace in Paris, France, Emmanuel Macron announced a move that was not expected by anyone but which explains his recent declarations. Facing dozens of French and foreign journalists, Mr. Macron said he will step down as President of the Republic and become Saudi Arabia’s Trade Minister.
“Let us be honest. I have done nothing as President, save from nice speeches now and then. I’m not one to stay without results. My decision also comes from the fact that many European leaders and indeed French citizens, asked me to halt French weapons trade with the Saudis. I found that ridiculous, human rights and trade do not go hand in hand, I even wrote that in my masters thesis. So, you see, I cannot adhere to my personal principles if I ban weapons trade with the Saudis. If trade does not come to you, you go to trade, that’s what I think. And last but not least, the Saudis will pay me ten times more than I earn here, but that’s just details” said a smiling Macron.
Macron also lamented at how people overlooked his recent sanctions on Saudi Arabia, which consisted of selling more weapons to the Saudis. He further complained about US President Trump imposing bone saw trade restrictions to the Saudis.
“What Saudi Arabia needs is to modernise. Modernise its military industry, modernise its assassination techniques, modernise its cover-ups. People need to understand this and I think MBS (ed. Mohammed bin Salman, crown prince) is on the same page here” concluded Macron while climbing into the gold-plated Saudi helicopter that flew him from the Elysee Palace to Riyadh.
Visibly upset by the incompetence and the amateurish way in which the Saudi secret services butchered a journalists, leading EU nations showed once again global leadership. In a joint statement in Brussels, France, Belgium and the UK pledged to impose sanctions on the Gulf State by doubling their sales of weapons to the Saudis. To top it up, the leading EU nations also vouched to train the Saudi military in the latest assassination techniques.
“We are here not because we want it but because we’re needed. European leadership is needed and France is here to work for European interests. Even if, disappointingly, Germany decided to impose a ban on the sale of their weapons to Saudi Arabia, us, Belgium and the UK promise to do the right thing. The right thing, of course, is to double ours sales in the military sector to Saudi Arabia with the latest technologies available. I’m convinced this is the right thing to do and France will not shy away from doing the right thing!” said French President Emanuel Macron in the applauses of enthusiastic youth present in the Belgian Capital.
“What we want is a good deal for Saudi Arabia. It is obvious that their truly barbaric murder of Mr. Khashoggi stems from their outdated military equipment and poorly trained armed forces. In the UK, we would have made sure not only that a journalist’s murder would be fast, bloodless and painless but also that no one will ever miss that person or know that person existed in the first place. That’s what makes the UK such a great nation. We therefore stand next to France in this endeavour and we will provide all the assistance needed to our Saudi partners. We’re even willing to also double our weapons sales, we’re that committed!” said British Prime Minister Theresa May in the applauses of no one.
Charles Michel, the Prime Minister of Belgium, was very clear in the intensions of his country:
“Belgium is standing up to Germany’s ridiculous move and joining sanctions imposed by France and the UK. We live in the 21st century, a journalist cannot be butchered, he must be killed discreetly and with some human consideration. Of course we are upset but we, Belgians, are not making troubles. We are providing solutions! Sales of our highest tech weapons will therefore double for Saudi Arabia and they also need to accept training of their army. For God’s sake, we have important issues to worry about in Europe, like trade, jobs, indefinite growth and kicking migrants out. Having to take a stance and follow-up on some journalist murder is not something we want to be bothered with. All we want to do is to make sure next time the Saudis kill someone, they will leave no trace.”
Mohammed bin Salman exclusively commented for the Berlin Group that he was not pleased with the European sanctions. However, he stressed that his modernisation reform is his top priority and that cannot be done without the help of his European partners, thus he already signed a fat check for 20 new weapon deals.
Emanuel Macron obtained a landslide victory in the French elections on Sunday and world leaders were quick to react. Here´s what The Berlin Group found out from the top political figures:
- Donald Trump said he was excited to work with Macron on building a wall that will protect France from Afro-Mexicans
- While texting via Whatsapp to a contact mysteriously called “Vlady”, Viktor Orban said he needed more time to reflect on what happened
- Angela Merkel said she called back the German troops stationed at the French border for the last week as soon as polls showed Marine Le Pen lost the elections
- Vladimir Putin was busy writing a press conference in Hungarian
- Erdogan called Le Pen and told her she was welcome to become one of the First Ladies of the Turkish Sultanate
- Theresa May reportedly asked her Finance Minister to add 100 billion euros to the bill UK has to pay for leaving the EU
- Justin Trudeau invited Macron for a duo photoshoot on the cover of Canada´s prime LGBT magazine
- Leaders of Italy, Spain and Portugal were having their usual siesta and said they will release a statement later, though no time was indicated
- While queing at an ATM in Athens, Greek PM Alexis Tsipras said his government was now translating a new loan request in French
- Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un successfully tested another intercontinental missile, on which he wrote “En Marche!”
- President Xi Jinping of China called Macron and suggested Chinese companies could be contracted at very competitive prices to build the Europe he dreams of