Brexit postponed to 2056: Theresa May is waiting for a competent British leader to take UK out of the EU

Brussels, Belgium

In an expected turn of events, Theresa May and the EU leaders agreed on Thursday that the Brexit transition period should be extended. Following the press conference, both parties seemed to be in a merry mood, as they were relieved that an ordeal finished.

“It is probably the first time we’ve been honest in our talks” said Theresa May in front of the journalists, after taking the mic with a little dance on ABBA’s Dancing Queen. “I was very frank with Jean-Claude (ed. Jean-Claude Juncker, Commission President) and all the other 27 EU leaders. There is no one, I repeat, no one in the UK at the moment who is competent enough to strike a decent deal on at least one Brexit chapter. Best we can do is sit on our arses and wait for a good Brexit deal to fall out of the skies. Because that’s what we want, a good Brexit deal for the British people. But that hasn’t happened yet so I suggested we wait and see if Britain will get a political leadership with some common sense, or even a competent leader – we can always hope no? – in the next 3 decades”

EU leaders were visibly pleased by May’s suggestion.

“Thank God we’re finally on the same page. Now we can focus on things that matter, like immigration, raise of the right-wing or the Italians making a mess of their budget” said a tipsy Juncker at the same press conference.

Michel Barnier, EU’s negotiator for Brexit, also saluted the result of the summit.

“This is by far the greatest achievement of the Brexit talks. It has been painful to interact with the British negotiators and the Torries, their incompetence gave me migraines. Now I can finally relax and maybe my grandchildren can find someone with a bit of brain in Britain in half a century or so” said Mr. Barnier according to our Berlin Group sources.

The Berlin Group contact Boris Johnson for a statement but up to this point our translators from blablerrish to English are still working to decipher his 10 seconds response.

 

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11 things you should know about the planets discovered by NASA

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  1. Mossack Fonseca already established a tax haven on planet H and their first account application came from Iceland. Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson refused to comment on this.
  2. The 7 planets are as far from us as we are from democracy – 40 light years.
  3. Planet B organised a referendum regarding its status in the EU. 52% of the population voted OUT. NASA is still debating on the actual existence of intelligent life on the planet so the results could be invalidated.
  4. A number of artificially created islands and an Apple factory were detected on planet F. China denied accusations of colonisation.
  5. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un claimed planet E, arguing that the lack of  edible food on the planet proves it is North Korean territory.
  6. Mac Donald´s announced it will launch its first extraterrestrial facility on planet E and reassured Kim-Jong un that this will not change the status quo. “Everyone knows our food is inedible” MacDonald´s spokesman told the press on Sunday while chocking on a BigMac.
  7. Erdogan hurried to proclaim an Islamic Republic on planet G.”I had to do it fast, before they found out about human rights”, he explained in a rushed FaceTime video message to the Berlin Group.
  8. Donald Trump commissioned a wall around planet C – already US territory – to keep it safe from Mexicans.
  9. Mexicans also commissioned a wall around the first wall surrounding planet C to keep the solar system safe from Donald Trump. Their example was followed by Germany, France and Poland.
  10. Exxon Mobile sent an official letter to planets D and F to inquire whether they have any environmental standards.
  11. The Pope sued NASA for copyrights over TRAPPIST.

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