FBI director sacked and sent to Europe because he confessed being vegan

Washington D.C., US

FBI director James Comey was sacked today in a shock move by President Putin Trump. The reasons for his firing are still unclear and some have argued it might have to do with the investigation Comey was making into the links between Russia and the Trump campaign. Reliable inside sources, however, told The Berlin Group the truth could be nowhere farther.

“Comey disregarded every advice he got from the top FBI management. Everyone knows that you can´t expect the FBI to be respected in and outside the US if the director is vegan. That´s not how it works, it´s a matter of national security and that´s why Comey being vegan has been one of the US best kept secrets. But then he had to come out…” said one of our sources.

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During a press conference yesterday, Comey told reporters he was vegan. Reporters initially chuckled and told him it was a good joke, just to be told back that “at the FBI, we don´t do jokes”. In a later tweet, President Trump said Comey almost cause a Russian invasion, later explaining to staff at the White House that “we all know Russians. They´re ferocious meat eaters, they hold their alcohol well, we need someone in the FBI at that level. Comey should go to Europe where he´ll fit right in. No one takes EU´s foreign policy seriously, they´re all vegans!”

Asked what they thought about FBI Director being vegan, 95% of the US citizens asked “what is vegan?” while having their usual McLunch.

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10 reactions of world leaders following Macron´s election

Paris, France.

Emanuel Macron obtained a landslide victory in the French elections on Sunday and world leaders were quick to react. Here´s what The Berlin Group found out from the top political figures:

  • Donald Trump said he was excited to work with Macron on building a wall that will protect France from Afro-Mexicans
  • While texting via Whatsapp to a contact mysteriously called “Vlady”, Viktor Orban said he needed more time to reflect on what happened
  • Angela Merkel said she called back the German troops stationed at the French border for the last week as soon as polls showed Marine Le Pen lost the elections
  • Vladimir Putin was busy writing a press conference in Hungarian
  • Erdogan called Le Pen and told her she was welcome to become one of the First Ladies of the Turkish Sultanate
  • Theresa May reportedly asked her Finance Minister to add 100 billion euros to the bill UK has to pay for leaving the EU
  • Justin Trudeau invited Macron for a duo photoshoot on the cover of Canada´s prime LGBT magazine
  • Leaders of Italy, Spain and Portugal were having their usual siesta and said they will release a statement later, though no time was indicated
  • While queing at an ATM in Athens, Greek PM Alexis Tsipras said his government was now translating a new loan request in French
  • Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un successfully tested another intercontinental missile, on which he wrote “En Marche!”
  • President Xi Jinping of China called Macron and suggested Chinese companies could be contracted at very competitive prices to build the Europe he dreams of

EU finds solution to overgrazing, soil erosion and continental security. All sheep to be fed with Russian soldiers by 2020

ANTARCTICA 2050 (1)Brussels, Belgium

The EU was quick to act following the sinking of a Russian spy vessel in the Black Sea by a Togolese cargo ship carrying Romanian sheep. Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker announced that a solution has finally been reached regarding the critical state of soils in Europe due to overgrazing and erosion – all European sheep will now feed on Russian soldiers instead of grass. As a side effect, continental security will also be ensured.

“I was talking to Federica Mogherini about renewing sanctions against Russia following the annexation of Crimea and I have to say we were not seeing eye to eye on how to move forward. But that´s when Karmenu Vella from DG Environment called me. He said <<Jean-Claude, you need to see this, tune in Russia Today!>>. So there we were: me, Federica and Karmenu, watching a live coverage of a Russian intelligence vessel sunk by sheep. That´s when it struck us!” said Juncker during a talk at the University of Leuven.

While representatives of the European Sheep Association (ESA) proudly welcomed the initiative, the Consumers, Health, Agriculture and Food Executive Agency (CHAFEA) expressed deep concerns regarding the Commission´s plans.

“We are very worried by this new initiative that Mr. Juncker is proposing. There are obvious concerns for our sheep´s health. 98% of the scientific community in Europe pointed out that eating Russian soldiers might cause abusive behaviour, lowering of the IQ and alcoholism” said CHAFEA´s director, Veronique Wasbauer.

Commission´s proposal, coded TOGO8800RO/04/2017 is to be consulted by the European Council and the European Parliament in an extraordinary session on the 4th of May.

 

 

BREAKING NEWS: Hungarian Government to be shut down and relocated out of Russia because it receives 5 billion euros in foreign EU funds, President Putin announces

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Moscow, Russia

In an unprecedented move, President Putin of Russia announced that Viktor Orban´s institution – the Government of the Socialist Republic of Hungary – needs to shut down its campus in Russia and move out. The news come as Russia´s Duma recently passed a law forbidding foreign-funded institutions to operate within the country´s borders.

“Let us be clear now. Orban´s institution could in theory continue activity in its Kremlin campus but this is conditioned by the Hungarian Government actually operating a campus also in the country where it receives financing from, so Hungary.  Unfortunately for Mr. Orban, this is not the case” said Mr. Putin for Crimea TV+ earlier today.

It is well known that the Hungarian Government receives 5 billion euros from the EU and other billions of euros from the Hungarian taxpayers, despite of operating solely as a branch of the Kremlin and being physically based in Moscow. Mr. Putin´s move is part of recent pieces of legislation directed at modernising the country, increasing political accountability and strengthening the rule of law . Although Putin himself was financed by Mr. Orban´s institution in 1956 for a diplomatic internship in Budapest, the relationship between the two seem to have cooled down in last years, as Mr. Putin took a U-turn from totalitarianism to democracy.

“Putin is just acting in an unacceptably democratic way and targets specifically this government, he knows we cannot possibly start operating in Europe on such a short notice, they are too liberal and progressive there. The Hungarian Government has been a central instrument in crushing of the rule of law and democracy in the region but it seems this is not aligning with Putin´s plans anymore” Mr. Orban told The Berlin Group, stressing that the fight is not over and he will be seeking support in Beijing.

We will update the page as the events unfold.

11 things you should know about the planets discovered by NASA

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  1. Mossack Fonseca already established a tax haven on planet H and their first account application came from Iceland. Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson refused to comment on this.
  2. The 7 planets are as far from us as we are from democracy – 40 light years.
  3. Planet B organised a referendum regarding its status in the EU. 52% of the population voted OUT. NASA is still debating on the actual existence of intelligent life on the planet so the results could be invalidated.
  4. A number of artificially created islands and an Apple factory were detected on planet F. China denied accusations of colonisation.
  5. Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un claimed planet E, arguing that the lack of  edible food on the planet proves it is North Korean territory.
  6. Mac Donald´s announced it will launch its first extraterrestrial facility on planet E and reassured Kim-Jong un that this will not change the status quo. “Everyone knows our food is inedible” MacDonald´s spokesman told the press on Sunday while chocking on a BigMac.
  7. Erdogan hurried to proclaim an Islamic Republic on planet G.”I had to do it fast, before they found out about human rights”, he explained in a rushed FaceTime video message to the Berlin Group.
  8. Donald Trump commissioned a wall around planet C – already US territory – to keep it safe from Mexicans.
  9. Mexicans also commissioned a wall around the first wall surrounding planet C to keep the solar system safe from Donald Trump. Their example was followed by Germany, France and Poland.
  10. Exxon Mobile sent an official letter to planets D and F to inquire whether they have any environmental standards.
  11. The Pope sued NASA for copyrights over TRAPPIST.

Agriculture in Romania on the brink of collapse. All manure is consumed by politicians

Bucharest, 4th February 2017.

Hundreds of thousand of people took to the streets of Romania for the past few weeks in a quest to get rid of the Government and Parliament officials. The anger of Romanian people come from the fact that politicians have not stopped eating manure ever since the last elections in December and thus the domestic agriculture sector in the country is close to collapsing. John Shepherd, former Minister of Agriculture, said the situation is critical.

“It is a matter of life and death, basically. Almost all politicians started eating manure at an incredibly high rate immediately after elections. Just to give you a comparison, Romanian officials ate more manure in a few weeks than Donal Trump and the Republicans in the entire last year” said Mr. Shepherd in an exclusive interview for the Berlin Group.

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Liviu Dragnea of PSD said eating manure helped him maintain perfectly healthy teeth

Phil Hogan, EU Commissioner for Agriculture and Rural Development warned the EU Parliament today that Romania is just the start and the worse is yet to come:

“We have intel that mass protests are about to be launched in other European nations. This would just prove what we´ve suspected in the last period, which is that Romanian politicians are not the only ones consuming manure. In only a month we could witness a crisis of the entire European agriculture sector”

The Chief of State who at the same time is head of the Environment Protection Agency (EPA) in the US, Mr. Donald Trump, had a different opinion.

“We should all follow the example of Romanian politicians. The amount of manure they consume is just great, I´m telling you. I actually heard they started to pay regular visits to wastewater treatment plants to get their lunch and dinner straight from the sewage. That´s just great. That´s huge. Make manure great again!”

The Berlin Group wanted to also interview Liviu Dragnea, fuhrer of the Romanian Social-Democrat Party (PSD) and king of the Romanian Parliament but as soon as he opened his mouth, our reporter was knocked out unconscious by the smell.

 

Re-wilding, a success in Romania: 80% of the population is now a dodo

The 2016 parliamentary elections in Romania proved something that scientists have suspected for the last years: most Romanians are, in fact, dodos!

Although the species was thought to have gone extinct in 1662, there is now undeniable evidence that there are at least 16 million dodos in the Eastern European Member State.

“It´s a breakthrough. Whether Romanians are dodos or not has been a topic in our community for the past 5 years. The results of the last presidential elections and the protests after COLECTIV really confused us, but what came out after these parliamentary elections finally clarified everything. 60% of Romanians did not vote, while another 20% voted for the most corrupt party in the country´s history. This points towards an incredibly small brain size and intellectual capacity, so there is now a consensus in the scientific community that Romanians are dodos”, said Jerome Jemenfous, head of department at the Institute Scientifique des Oiseaux.

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Liviu Dragnea, chief of the winning Social-Democrat Party and a convicted felon on charges of corruption, chose to celebrate victory by throwing grains in the main squares of Romania´s biggest cities in a show of gratitude for all the dodos.

“It was just too easy, you know. After the events in the last years, we were worried that Romanians reached the point where they can use their own brains and take simple but common sense decisions. Thank god they´re still an ignorant, brainless species, we can take back control and steal as much as we want. Of course we´ll start by modifying the Constitution and give ourselves immunity for life – we had enough of the anti-corruption department sending us to prison” Liviu Dragnea told The Berlin Group in an exclusive interview on Monday, while still throwing breadcrumbs to the dumb fold dodos.

Editor´s note: It is worth mentioning that of the remaining 20% of the population, half are Hungarians and at least a quarter are Romanians who live abroad. The survival of the Romanian species within the country´s own borders is now under question. 

Growing population not a problem anymore as plans reveal agriculture will be irrigated from melting ice caps

World leaders were pleasantly surprised to learn from the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) that although millions of people will drown and plenty of islands will disappear due to climatic changes, the water from melting polar ice caps can be used for agriculture.

“I thought glaciers were made of seawater too. If only I had this invaluable knowledge that water from ice caps can be used for agriculture, I would have pushed for an Obama Careless about Climate Change programme during my presidency. But to be fair, I think Donald will do this better and faster” said Obama in one of his last speeches as US President.

The news were also well received by industry representatives in the oil industry, who are now hoping to build pipelines from Greenland to UK & mainland Europe, Greenland to Canada & the US but also from Antarctica to Argentina (and then further to Canada & the US) and Australia.

“This is just magic” said Kelcy L. Warren, CEO of Energy Transfer Partnership, currently building the Dakota Access Pipeline. “We are heading at a fast pace towards an era of great opportunities. First, we will build megapipeline projects to supply water to the neediest regions of the world: US, Canada and Europe. After the ice caps melt and we´re done with the water, we´ll start pumping oil from underneath Greenland and Antarctica”.

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CEOs of Saudi Aramco, China´s National Petroleum Company, Exxon Mobil and Shell said they´re delighted to hear the new piece of scientific evidence and vouched to launch strategic partnerships with Energy Transfer and other similar companies in the quest for building pipelines. In a surprise move, Ellon Musk said he´s ready to get on board:

“We need to get outside our silos. Conventional pipelines are such a 20th century thing. I will build hyperloops from Greenland and Antarctica to California. Maybe also to Nevada. We all know these are the two neediest regions on the planet” said the billionaire on Sunday.

UPDATE: After the euphoria from early on Sunday, tensions between world leaders escalated quickly after Vladimir Putin invaded Greenland and the US “intervened” in Antarctica on suspicions that the Australians were secretly preparing a nuclear bomb. The world is, once again, in a Cold War but IPCC scientists ensured that this is just temporary. “World population should not worry, temperatures are set to rise dramatically next decade”, read the latest press release from the IPCC.

Erdogan reveals 10-point masterplan to bring Turkey on the path of sustainability by 2200

The European Parliament´s vote on Thursday to freeze EU-Turkey accession talks was a wake up call for Turkish President Erdogan, who was quick to react.

“I am taking the MEPs vote today seriously. Although I was hurt and saddened that our European friends did not understand the truly democratic reforms we have been trying to implement here for the past decade, I am ready to make our stance clear. As of next week, I will implement a Sustainable and Highly Inclusive Turkey (SHIT) masterplan to make the country compatible with all chapters of EU accession by 2200”, said Erdogan, in a press conference held only minutes before the results of the MEPs´ vote was known.

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The Berlin Group has exclusive access to the SHIT. Below are the 10 main points of this masterplan, which can bring Turkey in the EU much sooner than anyone was able to forecast.

  1. Erdogan´s 1,150 room Presidential Palace will be equipped with a green roof. British scientists revealed that this move means CO2 sequestration for all emissions in Turkey and actually, the whole world.
  2. The number of green spaces in urban areas will increase to 40% of their total surface by 2050. Only ecologically produced green paint will be used in the process.
  3. Turkey will stop bombing the Kurdish minorities, who will peacefully be relocated in Siberia following a benchmark political deal between Putin and Erdogan.
  4. The number of cars driven on Turkish roads will decrease by at least a third, as women will be prohibited to drive by 2020.
  5. Freedom of press will be respected. Starting 2017, Sputnik, Russia Today and CCTV (China´s National Channel) will be part of the mainstream mass media in Turkey.
  6. The tens of thousands of people arrested during the 2016 failed coup will be set free. They will be able to choose between patriotically serving their country in Syria or joining the newly established free Kurdish communities in Siberia.
  7. Radical islamisation will be tackled. All identified radicalised islamists will be sent in the West for re-education.
  8. More political transparency and accountability, as all legal acts adopted by the President will need to be broadcasted on state television no later than 5 years from entering into force, in order to keep citizens updated on legal issues.
  9. Building on the reforms implemented by President Putin in Russia and Crimea, Erdogan vouches to launch a “Turkey without borders” international programme by 2025.
  10. Turkey will fight discrimination. There are plans for state surveillance of all Turkish citizens by 2050, irrespective of sex, religion, skin colour or education level.

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