Selmayr proposes EU Fidget Spinner War Strategy after Commission Capture *EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW*

Brussels, Belgium

After EU parliamentarians were left baffled last week with consternation and uproar because of the coup d’etat of Juncker’s childhood friend Selmayr, the tension in the control room of the EU raised further after rumours that his first policy proposal entails including fidget spinners in the ongoing update of the EU-UN War Innovation Strategy.

Taking advantage of the climate of suspicion towards mainstream media among high-level politicians and – simply – the pressing lack of journalists, The Berlin Group could convince Selmayr for an exclusive interview on the matter.

Mr Selmayr, to start with, how did you come up with this idea?

Actually, I played around already a long time with this idea. It came up to my mind again after reading with pleasure that Season 2 of Westworld is to be shot in Syria [a story previously covered by the Berlin Group – Ed.]. I thought it would be a nice first policy proposal to ease the MPs in the European Parliament, who seem to be seriously concerned about the matter.

Ok. *cough*. Concerned about the matter? 

Of course! If there is one thing bringing in money, that’s weapons. France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, …. and many other Member States need this war to get the economy going! Fidget Spinners will be a cost-efficient innovation for the industry, to stay ahead of the Israeli weapon research. By the way, another good example is our new Fidget Big Data Gathering (FBDG) project that we are currently testing in a pilot on migrants arriving in the EU. Only paying Erdogan some money will not be enough anyway to deal with them.

And what about the UK? Does Brexit impact the EU Policy on this matter?

Ah, the British! After all this, we will learn them how to deal with miliatary innovation. They still seem to be thinking they are the center of the world, but the contrary is true! Until now they only seem to be concerned how to regulate advertisements in the subway.

To close this interview, why did you choose this subject for your first policy proposal? Aren’t there other pressing issues to be dealt with, such as climate change?

Climate change? There was a guy in the Commission, Jos Delbeke [until recently DG Climate in the Commission – Ed.] who didn’t stop annoying me with this hoax, therefore I decided with Bro Juncker to get him out. Who will earn money with this anyway? We better spend money on other stuff. So we’ll replace him with an old Italian friend from Juncker who knows how tu run a business [previously DG for Commerce and Free Trade Agreements – Ed.], but we could have also have replaced him with somebody from TV. In the end, we pay better than the average news agency, and at least they know how to communicate!

Thank you Mr Selmayr for this enlightening interview.

In the wake of these events, the IPCC does not seem bothered and continues the work on their next report on the impact of 1.5 °C warming. As pointed out by Röckstrom, they should reach out more. To the Berlin Group for example. Or our partner What The Fuck Just Happened Today.

Stay tuned!

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Season 2 of Westworld to be shot in Syria

Hollywood, US

Excitement at today’s Westworld crew conference rumours that the series’ new season will be shot in Syria were confirmed. Creators Jonathan Nole and Lisa Joy ended up last weeks’ Hollywood gossips by acknowledging their long-time fascination with Syria, particularly the Middle-Eastern’s country development since 2011.

“We never told this to anyone but in fact our source of inspiration for the first season was not so much the 1973 science-fiction western thriller ,but the Syrian playground. Since 2011, Syria has been this fascinating human-themed park where military powers of the world went to play with their latest gadget”, said Mr. Nole.

Asked if the series wanted to provide a solution to global conflict – and particularly to the war in Syria – by showcasing a battleground where humans cannot be hurt, Lisa Joy surprised some of the journalists in the audience:

“Absolutely not. We actually wanted to show how the real situation in Syria evolved. Before the Arab Spring, the country was a serene, peaceful place where those who were not liked by Bashar al-Assad were simply killed, tortured or imprisoned. Just like our humanoid robots. The end of the first season basically shows the effects of the Arab Spring and the revolt of the Syrian people. But you know how it goes, revolutions can go south”

Asked what she thought about the creators’ decision to shoot season 2 in Syria, Westworld protagonist Evan Rachel Woods said she loved it:

“Just like season 2, Syria is a bloodbath. It’s hard to find real-life inspiration the way you find it in Syria. And just to give you a clue about how real this gets, Tarantino will direct some of the episodes”

Contacted by The Berlin Group, Mr. Tarantino said he was more than excited to join the Westworld crew in Syria. He also mentioned it has been a disappointment that the US government or any military power involved in the Syrian conflict did not contact him for advice on mass-murder and total human annihilation. “They clearly haven’t watched any of my films” concluded Mr. Tarantino.

 

UN in breakthrough “Syrian Method” solution to eradicate world poverty

Geneva, Switzerland

In a landmark summit held in Geneva, United Nations (UN) General Secretary Antonio Guterres presented UN’s breakthrough strategy to achieve some of the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs). The underpinning solution to the strategy is affectionately entitled “the Syrian Method” and it is based on three basic principles: (1) constant violation of human rights, particularly the right to live; (2) continuous targeting of the poor; and (3) not taking responsibility for any crimes against humanity, in particular against the poor.

“It is my honour and indeed my pleasure to present to the world a breakthrough method that will indisputably revolutionise the way we make progress in achieving the SDGs. The Syrian Method has been proposed unanimously by all the members of G20 at the last Davos summit, a historical event to be remembered by our grand-grandchildren if we think about it. We looked at Syria as a pilot project. The international coalitions carrying out sustained work since 2011managed to almost eradicate the poor. We wish to take this to other parts of the world affected by poverty” said Mr. Guterres in front of the radiant audience gathered at Hotel President Wilson in the Swiss city.

Present at the meeting, President Trump hailed the Syrian Method as “a great method, the best you’ve seen”, while British PM Therese May said she will even consider implementing it in the working-class, economically marginalised areas of Britain. German Chancellor Angela Merkel praised the method as “highly efficient” and President Putin held a speech explaining the rationale behind the method:

“It is dead simple. You want to eradicate poverty? You eradicate the poor. You f*ck the poor!”, ended Mr. Putin in the excited applauses of political and business leaders.

According to the documents examined by us at The Berlin Group, the Syrian Method will not only be used to tackle the “zero poverty goal” but has overarching implications on the goals of “zero hunger”, “clean water and sanitation” and “life on land”, all of which will benefit from a decreased – or indeed eradicated – poor population.

 

EU Leads The World in Climate Action with its new Winter Package ‘Wanting More, Delivering Less’

The European Commission presented last week a revolutionary Winter Package to tackle Climate Change in a unseen push for action after a surreal stream of events unfurled in the EU Headquarters. After streaming a hologram from his apartment in The United Islands of Paradise – in an attempt to equal the performance of his secret lover Melenchon, Juncker managed to kickstart a revolutionary political momentum backed by the Commission in an unseen confusing but weirdly effective manner, by only stumbling  “I have a wish to express. There is nothing wrong with that” at an EU leader roundtable last week.

Left confused, the EU leaders present in the room first thought he wanted to eat beef during the evening gala of the High Level Expert Group on Total Meat Consumption (HLEG-TMG)  – a story previously covered by The Berlin Group – but our sources from his close entourage at his secretary found out that he wanted to surpass the previously largely unmoving and unnoticed artistic upwellings of Herman van Rompuy, his predecessor.

Because of a Russian botnet attack on the unsecured networks of the Agenda Management IT Infrastructure of the European Commission, the EU leaders found themselves instead present at the High Level Group on Tackling Climate Change – an industrial think thank operating within DG Historical Archives Service – to further debate the wish of Juncker.

Because Angela Merkel was too unconscious due to an overdose of painkillers, and because Macron and the Prime Minister of the Netherlands – respectively trying new negotiation techniques such as anaesthetising discussion partners with pungent perfume or silencing opponents by pushing a sandwich in their mouth – were caught up in a perpetual discussion on whether the French should eat more Dutch resource-efficient croissants and less medicines as breakfast versus whether the Dutch are paying not enough for French bio-wine, the IMF and ECB – although only having observer status during the meeting – saw their chance to come up with a draft Climate Action proposal titled ‘Money and Investors Climate Mitigation in Greece‘ in a desperate attempt to ease an unfolding corruption scandal.

Because of microphone cables getting unrooted and misdirected during indepentist celebrations while inaugurating the new 20th Brussels municipality and police force ‘Je suis / I am / Ik ben / ****??? E-Union‘ encompassing the EU quarter, DG Translation finally interpreted the title of the proposal as ‘Wanting More, Delivering Less’ – a quote coming from Brune Poirson from the French ministry during a parallel meeting of the High Level Deregulation & Lobby Management Group (HLDLMG) in another Commission building, but the content of the document remained the same.

Meanwhile, Xi Jinping watched the latest episode of Climate Cowboys on youtube – a new underground indie science fiction series from the makers of ‘Back to the Future’ – and had his first holy “Xi-Thought“.

10 things you should know about Catalonia´s Independence Referendum

  • An EU Commission spokesman said that leaders in Brussels did not see that coming and “it´s now up to Spain to solve its own s**t.”
  • 1st of October was the first day this year when tourists were not the most hated people in Barcelona. National police will top the charts for the coming weeks.
  • Theresa May send her top Brexit advisor to help out with negotiations between the Catalan leadership and the central government in Madrid. However, Spaniards confused Boris Johnson with a monkey, sedated him and sent him to the Zoo in Alicante.
  • While most Spaniards showed anger at the referendum, Madrilenes were happy: it means FC Barcelona will be kicked out of La Liga.
  • Donald Trump said that what happened in Catalonia last night only justifies his travel ban.
  • Speaking at a conference in Crimea, Putin said that territorial integrity of a nation is non-negotiable and inviolable.
  • Viktor Orban called the Spanish PM to congratulate his failed but admirable effort to stop the referendum through violence against his own people. He also invited Spain to join the Visegrad Group.
  • French went on a general strike to protest against or for the referendum.
  • Now that Spain´s GDP decreased by half, Angela Merkel invited all Spaniards to seek asylum in Germany.
  • Spaniards and foreigners leaving in the Catalan region announced their own referendum for independence from Catalonia.

Saudi Arabia continues progressive reform: after allowing women to drive, it now vouches to stop funding terrorists by 2100

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

The Saudi capital saw scenes of fierce debate between ultra conservatives and moderates, as King Salman passed a royal decree that prohibits funding of jihadist organisations after 2100, days after he granted women the right to drive. While world leaders welcomed the move of the Saudi monarch, many ultraconservatives in the leadership showed anger and vouched to fight the decree.

“This is a slap in the face for any real wahhabist and a sloppy move by our King. By signing this decree, not only does he recognise in front of the international community that is us and not Qatar financing terrorism, but he is also eroding our most fundamental religious values”, a high-ranking official told The Berlin Group earlier this morning.

Addressing his subjects in Riyadh, King Salman said that in order to fully implement the decree, his country will need to move away from the two industries that make up 99% of its GDP: oil and military: “We need rapid progress, we need to catch up with the rest of the world. 2100 is an ambitious target but I trust our leadership and the leadership after that will make it happen. There are other, more pressing issues at stake now, such as climate change: climate change is real and we need to act immediately.”

Hours after the announcement, 1 million US citizens reportedly applied for asylum in Saudi Arabia.

Netherlands charged for interfering in the US elections: Trump supporters were fed contaminated eggs, now proven to lower IQ

Washington D.C, US

A formidable U-turn in the investigation concerning US elections interference took place today, as the Netherlands is officially charged with knowingly contaminating millions of Americans with the sole purpose of helping the Trump campaign. Speaking at a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump-Russia special prosecutor Robert Muller confessed his team had been looking in the totally wrong direction:

“It came as a surprise for us too. This whole Russia thing did not really make sense. It was when the egg scandal went public in Europe that we realised what truly happened. The Dutch authorities shipped millions of contaminated eggs to the US ever since last June. Their sole purpose was to infest liberal Americans, lower their IQ and eventually trick them into voting for Trump. We apologise to Mr. Putin and to all the Russian people for misjudging this whole situation”

Berlin Group sources close to the Dutch administration say that the move came in the context of the US taking over international tulip trade and the refusal of Hillary Clinton to reach a compromise with the EU Member State. The Dutch first tested the eggs in the UK and upon achieving satisfying results with Brexit, they moved to the next stage. “With Trump elected”, our sources said, “it was clear that the US will shoot itself in the foot and we´ll once again take back control of the tulip trade.”

The EU has already started the procedures of expelling the Dutch from the EU, a move that took by surprise betting companies, who put their money on Hungary and Poland as first countries to be kicked out of the 28-strong block. It is unclear what the US response will be, as President Trump has not released any tweets yet.

Trump explains why he pulled out of the Paris Agreement: “It was all a big lie. Neither Paris Hilton nor any of the 9 Paris cities in the US had any agreement with any world leaders”

Washington, D.C.

Immediately after announcing that the US is pulling out of the Paris Agreement, Donald Trump launched a furious attack on world leaders for conspiring against his country.

“Last week I met with leaders of the top seven economies in the world, I met the EU leaders and they all lied straight to my face, all of them. They said there was a so-called Paris Agreement that the US had signed and should stick to it. I knew nothing about any agreement made by any of the Paris cities back home so I told them I will take some time to think about it. And guess what? It was all a great lie. Biggest lie ever” said an orange turned angry-red Donald Trump to the press on the Capitol Hill earlier today.

trump-angry-guns
President Donald Trump was visibly upset during his press conference at the Capitol Hill

Berlin sources from within the Trump administration told us that it all started with FBI Director Comey. It is apparent now that Comey conspired with other world leaders to feed fake news to the Trump administration with regards to the so-called Paris Agreement, which Comey claimed it was a valid global pact. The President had his doubts about Comey and eventually fired the head of FBI after the latter publicly confessed being vegan and endangered national security.

“Once he returned back to the US, President Trump started calling all the Paris municipalities: Paris, Arkansas; Paris, Idaho; Paris, Illinois; anyway, all 9 of them. He even rang Paris Hilton to ask her if she was in any way involved in this. In the end, he was understandably furious.”

Donal Trump said he is not consulting with top generals and security advisors to see which is the next course of action for his administration. Economic sanctions for world countries and cease of trade to and from the US are very likely though.

 

Smog alert in Luxembourg: a German family is having a barbecue at the border

Luxembourg City, Luxembourg

The Luxembourg Environmental Agency (LEA) declared a nationwide smog alert in the small state of Luxembourg this morning after a German family lightened up a barbecue at the border.

“Everything was fine at 9am CET. But then the skies began to cloud and the smell of grilled meat encroached the whole country. We advised all the 20 people living in the country to stay indoors in our block of flats and keep their windows closed. We are coordinating with German authorities and we hope to reach a mutually beneficial solution by this evening” said Claude-Vert Juncker, head of LEA and brother of Jean-Claude Juncker.

The German family responsible for the catastrophic situation apologised at a press conference held at noon and said they should have taken more precaution when they went out to barbecue.

“We checked the weather last evening and the wind was not supposed to blow in the direction of Luxembourg. It seems meteorological conditions changed early morning today and we caused all this mess. We offered to give half of our barbecue goodies to the people of Luxembourg, I mean the Juncker family – we estimated this would be enough for them for a week so we hope it will make up to some extent…” said Andreas Wurst of Trier, husband, father of two and barbecue chef in Trier, Germany.

This is not the only ecological catastrophe affecting Luxembourg. Last month, a Belgian teenager spilled a pint of beer in the border town of Arlon and caused Luxembourg´s worst floods in 20 years.

 

 

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