Merkel is back in the game: Germans support immigration after United Africa wins World Cup in Russia

Berlin, Germany

The victory of United Africa on Sunday in the World Cup final over Croatia brought a change of heart for the German people. With their football team shamefully leaving the competition in the group stage, Germans have watched in bewilderment how a group of skilled and talented young Africans brought victory to their western neighbour.

“Why, I would have never…you see, we are too strict on immigration. The French did a great job letting in so many immigrants. I think Frau Merkel was right to begin with” said Schmetterling  Seehofer, conservative and AfD supporter from Bavaria.

Monday morning could not have started better for Angela Merkel, as her approval ratings soared back to 70% . In a televised press conference, Ms. Merkel encouraged the xenophobic countries of Poland, Slovakia, the Czech Republic and especially Hungary to think twice when it comes to accepting the proposed EU refugee quota.

“It is enough to look at the performance of your football teams to see that your immigration strategy is detrimental to your national interest and you will never manage to qualify further than the group stages. Viktor (Orban) you know exactly what I’m talking about” said Ms. Merkel.

Sources for the Berlin Group revealed that England also attributed its failure in the World Cup to the higher than normal white men ratio in their team. Meanwhile, Croatian coach Zlatko Dalic said his team is already made up of refugees from the Serbian war but acknowledged that “at least one African man” would have won them the match.

 

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Saudi players ask for political asylum after 0-5 defeat with Russia

Moscow, Russia

Tears of both joy and desperation could be seen at the end of the 2018 World Cup kick-off match in Moscow. In what was broadly expected to be a friendly draw, Russian players administered a humiliating 5-0 to the Saudi team. Stakes were high on both sides, as the players engaged in the field with Vladimir Putin and Prince Mohammed bin Salman (aka MBS) watching from the VIP lounge of the stadium. Sources from Prince’s entourage told the Berlin Group that the match started with a casual bet between the two leaders.

“It was nothing, really. Just the usual. MBS told Putin he’ll recognize Crimea was part of Russia and contribute with a humble 50 million to arm pro-Russian rebels in Eastern Ukraine if Putin’s players won. Putin promised to wipe out Huthi militia in Yemen and stage a coup in Syria with a new leader at the Kingdom’s liking if the Saudis ended up with the 3 points after the match. But the real fun started at 2-0 for the Russians”

According to the same source, MBS was already planning to ban Saudi football players from driving at 1-0. At 2-0 he was texting each individual player with the number of lashes awaiting him in Riyadh. At 3-0 it was waterboarding and other forms of torture. 4-0  and they were all labelled agents of Hezbollah and threatened with lapidation. At 5-0 MBS promised public hanging.

“MBS was quite joyful after the match and promised Putin to send him a live facebook feed with the executions after the World Cup”, said another source close to the Russian president.

Understandably, Saudi players asked for asylum in Russia right after the match. Upon consultation with MBS, Putin generously offered to give residence permits to all Saudi footballers and provide them with facilities in the city of Goulagenburg, central Siberia.

Viktor Orban deeply in love with the EU Commission as Juncker-Selmayr dictatorship cements

Budapest, Hungary

This Sunday (ed. 8th of April) Hungarians head to the polls to vote in presidential elections. There will be no surprise on the winner, as President-Minister Viktor Orban is set for yet another mandate at the head of the small Eastern European country. But there is indeed something that has surprised Europe in the last weeks – Orban’s sudden love story with the EU Commission. The Hungarian President is not unaccustomed to love stories with world leaders. Nonetheless, everyone saw his long-term relationship with Russia’s Vladimir Putin as rock-solid stalinist material. One of The Berlin Group’s most reliable sources from within the Hungarian Parliament revealed the secret exclusively and in premiere for us.

“Few weeks ago me and Viktor (ed. Viktor Orban) were having our usual after work palinka shots. Well earned palinka I’d add, that day we closed three pro-democracy NGOs and jailed one of those independent journalists. So Viktor was telling me that Vladyushka (ed. Vladimir Putin) is not as receptive to his messages as he used to be. <<We don’t talk anymore>> he told me, <<all this elections, shopping mall fire and nervous gas attack got his too busy for me..>>. Few Unicum shots later, he finally told me his heart was in Brussels with a couple he now dreamt of having a threesome with every night: Juncker and Selmayr”

To some, Orban’s dark desire would not come as a surprise though. After the hostile and undemocratic takeover of the Commission’s leadership by Juncker’s right hand Martin Selmayr (for an exclusive interview of The Berlin Group with Selmayr review our previous post), Orban simply can’t hide his admiration for the Brussels couple.

“The way Juncker and Selmayr mopped up with European democracy is just irresistible for someone like Orban. He will most probably become one of the most ardent supporters of the EU Commission and it’s very likely he’ll eye a position with the two tyrants now ruling in Brussels too. It will be more difficult than with his peasant electorate from Hungary though, Brussels is another game level” confessed another Fidesz source for us.

Do you see Orban in an EU leadership role? We’ll keep you posted with post-election developments, meanwhile let us know what you think!

Putin denies nervous gas attack and says diluted vodka poisoned former KGB spy, while breaking down in tears

Moscow, Russia

Freshly re-elected at the Kremlin, President-for-life Vladimir Putin took some time to finally address the attack on former KGB spy Sergei Skripal. Speaking at a press-conference in the Red Square, he waved Western accusations as ridiculous “nonsense”:

“Come on, just stop all this nonsense about some Novichok or Kazachok or Vladivostok programme. There’s no such thing and even if it was, we did our research and KGB spies are resistant to that. We only use nervous gases on low-key targets when we apply the Syrian Method [Ed. Syrian Method was first described by The Berlin Group]. I mean we would if we had any, but we don’t.” said Putin in front of a handful of foreign media outlets allowed at the press-conference, The Berlin Group included.

While everyone expected this to be the end of a classic Putin press conference, the President-for-life lingered for a few moments and then broke down in tears, just to quickly recover and make a heart-breaking confession to those present in the room:

“Listen, I didn’t want this to go out before elections because it would have crushed the heart of any real Russian out there. Sergei was not poisoned by nervous gas. He was subject to the cruelest of all humiliations a Russian can be subject to. He was given diluted vodka and as God is my witness, I shall find whoever did that and use an overdose of Novichok on him. I mean I would if we had any but we don’t so I’ll find something else.” concluded Putin.

It is unclear what will happen next, but Putin will have to convince EU leaders that it was diluted vodka and not a nervous gas that poisoned the former KGB spy and his daughter. Follow us for the latest updates.

 

 

Selmayr proposes EU Fidget Spinner War Strategy after Commission Capture *EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW*

Brussels, Belgium

After EU parliamentarians were left baffled last week with consternation and uproar because of the coup d’etat of Juncker’s childhood friend Selmayr, the tension in the control room of the EU raised further after rumours that his first policy proposal entails including fidget spinners in the ongoing update of the EU-UN War Innovation Strategy.

Taking advantage of the climate of suspicion towards mainstream media among high-level politicians and – simply – the pressing lack of journalists, The Berlin Group could convince Selmayr for an exclusive interview on the matter.

Mr Selmayr, to start with, how did you come up with this idea?

Actually, I played around already a long time with this idea. It came up to my mind again after reading with pleasure that Season 2 of Westworld is to be shot in Syria [a story previously covered by the Berlin Group – Ed.]. I thought it would be a nice first policy proposal to ease the MPs in the European Parliament, who seem to be seriously concerned about the matter.

Ok. *cough*. Concerned about the matter? 

Of course! If there is one thing bringing in money, that’s weapons. France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, …. and many other Member States need this war to get the economy going! Fidget Spinners will be a cost-efficient innovation for the industry, to stay ahead of the Israeli weapon research. By the way, another good example is our new Fidget Big Data Gathering (FBDG) project that we are currently testing in a pilot on migrants arriving in the EU. Only paying Erdogan some money will not be enough anyway to deal with them.

And what about the UK? Does Brexit impact the EU Policy on this matter?

Ah, the British! After all this, we will learn them how to deal with miliatary innovation. They still seem to be thinking they are the center of the world, but the contrary is true! Until now they only seem to be concerned how to regulate advertisements in the subway.

To close this interview, why did you choose this subject for your first policy proposal? Aren’t there other pressing issues to be dealt with, such as climate change?

Climate change? There was a guy in the Commission, Jos Delbeke [until recently DG Climate in the Commission – Ed.] who didn’t stop annoying me with this hoax, therefore I decided with Bro Juncker to get him out. Who will earn money with this anyway? We better spend money on other stuff. So we’ll replace him with an old Italian friend from Juncker who knows how tu run a business [previously DG for Commerce and Free Trade Agreements – Ed.], but we could have also have replaced him with somebody from TV. In the end, we pay better than the average news agency, and at least they know how to communicate!

Thank you Mr Selmayr for this enlightening interview.

In the wake of these events, the IPCC does not seem bothered and continues the work on their next report on the impact of 1.5 °C warming. As pointed out by Röckstrom, they should reach out more. To the Berlin Group for example. Or our partner What The Fuck Just Happened Today.

Stay tuned!

Season 2 of Westworld to be shot in Syria

Hollywood, US

Excitement at today’s Westworld crew conference rumours that the series’ new season will be shot in Syria were confirmed. Creators Jonathan Nole and Lisa Joy ended up last weeks’ Hollywood gossips by acknowledging their long-time fascination with Syria, particularly the Middle-Eastern’s country development since 2011.

“We never told this to anyone but in fact our source of inspiration for the first season was not so much the 1973 science-fiction western thriller ,but the Syrian playground. Since 2011, Syria has been this fascinating human-themed park where military powers of the world went to play with their latest gadget”, said Mr. Nole.

Asked if the series wanted to provide a solution to global conflict – and particularly to the war in Syria – by showcasing a battleground where humans cannot be hurt, Lisa Joy surprised some of the journalists in the audience:

“Absolutely not. We actually wanted to show how the real situation in Syria evolved. Before the Arab Spring, the country was a serene, peaceful place where those who were not liked by Bashar al-Assad were simply killed, tortured or imprisoned. Just like our humanoid robots. The end of the first season basically shows the effects of the Arab Spring and the revolt of the Syrian people. But you know how it goes, revolutions can go south”

Asked what she thought about the creators’ decision to shoot season 2 in Syria, Westworld protagonist Evan Rachel Woods said she loved it:

“Just like season 2, Syria is a bloodbath. It’s hard to find real-life inspiration the way you find it in Syria. And just to give you a clue about how real this gets, Tarantino will direct some of the episodes”

Contacted by The Berlin Group, Mr. Tarantino said he was more than excited to join the Westworld crew in Syria. He also mentioned it has been a disappointment that the US government or any military power involved in the Syrian conflict did not contact him for advice on mass-murder and total human annihilation. “They clearly haven’t watched any of my films” concluded Mr. Tarantino.

 

UN in breakthrough “Syrian Method” solution to eradicate world poverty

Geneva, Switzerland

In a landmark summit held in Geneva, United Nations (UN) General Secretary Antonio Guterres presented UN’s breakthrough strategy to achieve some of the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs). The underpinning solution to the strategy is affectionately entitled “the Syrian Method” and it is based on three basic principles: (1) constant violation of human rights, particularly the right to live; (2) continuous targeting of the poor; and (3) not taking responsibility for any crimes against humanity, in particular against the poor.

“It is my honour and indeed my pleasure to present to the world a breakthrough method that will indisputably revolutionise the way we make progress in achieving the SDGs. The Syrian Method has been proposed unanimously by all the members of G20 at the last Davos summit, a historical event to be remembered by our grand-grandchildren if we think about it. We looked at Syria as a pilot project. The international coalitions carrying out sustained work since 2011managed to almost eradicate the poor. We wish to take this to other parts of the world affected by poverty” said Mr. Guterres in front of the radiant audience gathered at Hotel President Wilson in the Swiss city.

Present at the meeting, President Trump hailed the Syrian Method as “a great method, the best you’ve seen”, while British PM Therese May said she will even consider implementing it in the working-class, economically marginalised areas of Britain. German Chancellor Angela Merkel praised the method as “highly efficient” and President Putin held a speech explaining the rationale behind the method:

“It is dead simple. You want to eradicate poverty? You eradicate the poor. You f*ck the poor!”, ended Mr. Putin in the excited applauses of political and business leaders.

According to the documents examined by us at The Berlin Group, the Syrian Method will not only be used to tackle the “zero poverty goal” but has overarching implications on the goals of “zero hunger”, “clean water and sanitation” and “life on land”, all of which will benefit from a decreased – or indeed eradicated – poor population.

 

EU Leads The World in Climate Action with its new Winter Package ‘Wanting More, Delivering Less’

The European Commission presented last week a revolutionary Winter Package to tackle Climate Change in a unseen push for action after a surreal stream of events unfurled in the EU Headquarters. After streaming a hologram from his apartment in The United Islands of Paradise – in an attempt to equal the performance of his secret lover Melenchon, Juncker managed to kickstart a revolutionary political momentum backed by the Commission in an unseen confusing but weirdly effective manner, by only stumbling  “I have a wish to express. There is nothing wrong with that” at an EU leader roundtable last week.

Left confused, the EU leaders present in the room first thought he wanted to eat beef during the evening gala of the High Level Expert Group on Total Meat Consumption (HLEG-TMG)  – a story previously covered by The Berlin Group – but our sources from his close entourage at his secretary found out that he wanted to surpass the previously largely unmoving and unnoticed artistic upwellings of Herman van Rompuy, his predecessor.

Because of a Russian botnet attack on the unsecured networks of the Agenda Management IT Infrastructure of the European Commission, the EU leaders found themselves instead present at the High Level Group on Tackling Climate Change – an industrial think thank operating within DG Historical Archives Service – to further debate the wish of Juncker.

Because Angela Merkel was too unconscious due to an overdose of painkillers, and because Macron and the Prime Minister of the Netherlands – respectively trying new negotiation techniques such as anaesthetising discussion partners with pungent perfume or silencing opponents by pushing a sandwich in their mouth – were caught up in a perpetual discussion on whether the French should eat more Dutch resource-efficient croissants and less medicines as breakfast versus whether the Dutch are paying not enough for French bio-wine, the IMF and ECB – although only having observer status during the meeting – saw their chance to come up with a draft Climate Action proposal titled ‘Money and Investors Climate Mitigation in Greece‘ in a desperate attempt to ease an unfolding corruption scandal.

Because of microphone cables getting unrooted and misdirected during indepentist celebrations while inaugurating the new 20th Brussels municipality and police force ‘Je suis / I am / Ik ben / ****??? E-Union‘ encompassing the EU quarter, DG Translation finally interpreted the title of the proposal as ‘Wanting More, Delivering Less’ – a quote coming from Brune Poirson from the French ministry during a parallel meeting of the High Level Deregulation & Lobby Management Group (HLDLMG) in another Commission building, but the content of the document remained the same.

Meanwhile, Xi Jinping watched the latest episode of Climate Cowboys on youtube – a new underground indie science fiction series from the makers of ‘Back to the Future’ – and had his first holy “Xi-Thought“.

10 things you should know about Catalonia´s Independence Referendum

  • An EU Commission spokesman said that leaders in Brussels did not see that coming and “it´s now up to Spain to solve its own s**t.”
  • 1st of October was the first day this year when tourists were not the most hated people in Barcelona. National police will top the charts for the coming weeks.
  • Theresa May send her top Brexit advisor to help out with negotiations between the Catalan leadership and the central government in Madrid. However, Spaniards confused Boris Johnson with a monkey, sedated him and sent him to the Zoo in Alicante.
  • While most Spaniards showed anger at the referendum, Madrilenes were happy: it means FC Barcelona will be kicked out of La Liga.
  • Donald Trump said that what happened in Catalonia last night only justifies his travel ban.
  • Speaking at a conference in Crimea, Putin said that territorial integrity of a nation is non-negotiable and inviolable.
  • Viktor Orban called the Spanish PM to congratulate his failed but admirable effort to stop the referendum through violence against his own people. He also invited Spain to join the Visegrad Group.
  • French went on a general strike to protest against or for the referendum.
  • Now that Spain´s GDP decreased by half, Angela Merkel invited all Spaniards to seek asylum in Germany.
  • Spaniards and foreigners leaving in the Catalan region announced their own referendum for independence from Catalonia.

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