Latest IPCC report names George Soros as main cause of global warming

Geneva, Switzerland

In its 6th and last assessment report, the Intergovernmental Panel of Climate Change (IPCC) marks a breakthrough in scientific research. After spending millions of dollars and decades of research and investigative work, IPCC has finally succeeded in pointing out the single most detrimental factor to our climate. And it’s George Soros. With 100% scientific consensus, the Hungarian-born billionaire is now claimed to cause most of our global warming. In exact scientific terms, he causes all of our global warming.

“It is indeed a breakthrough. For years we’ve been looking at what causes global warming and we could not put our finger on exactly what is it that triggers all this. But during he past 4-5 years we reshaped the way we do science, we started to get outside the silo, break the silo. We opened our eyes to what governments across the world are reporting and, voila!, it was right under our nose. George Soros!” said Abdalah Mokssit, IPCC Secretary General.

The IPCC report goes at length expanding on the exact activities that George Soros is systematically executing in order to destabilise our planet’s climate. He is now proved to have started wildfires in California and Greece each year. He attempted a coup on the corrupt Romanian leader Liviu Dragnea who then had to burn plane fuel to take shelter in Brazil. He got US President Donald Trump drunk and made him sign out of the Paris Agreement. Perhaps Soros’ worst action was whispering “liberal democracy” to Hungary’s PM Viktor Orban, who then turned red with fury and increased global temperatures by 2 degrees celsius.

As expected, Mr. Soros refused to comment the allegations. Sources from the Berlin Group said the reason of all his activities are related to finally getting global warming on Wallstreet and making money out of bonds.

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Mourning in Romania as Prime Minister Dancila and coalition leader Liviu Dragnea not among victims of Morandi bridge collapse

Bucharest, Romania

Scenes of utter disappointment in the Romanian capital of Bucharest, only days after a violent anti-corruption protest. Hopes were high in the Eastern European Member State when the Ministry of Foreign Affairs confirmed two Romanian casualties following the tragic collapse of Morandi Bridge in Genoa, Italy.

“I’m in tears. I was so sure, we all were so sure Dragnea and Dancila were running away after the protests, driving on that bridge to Switzerland…now we have to live with the fact that two hard working Romanians escaping poverty abroad are dead instead of them” said Ion Amariei, one of the many Romanians gathered in Bucharest’s Victory Square for a day of national mourning.

While most people showed desperation and grief, there were still a few optimists in the crowd.

“This is indeed sad. Those two Romanians probably have families, children, who were waiting for them back home. Me and my friends are checking updates on news outlets every minute, there are at least a dozen of people gone missing and – God willing – Dancila and Dragnea are among them” said Andrei Delatulcea, IT professional.

Many of the optimists gathered for mourning say they will stay in the square. They told The Berlin Group that their motivation comes from some plausible scenarios.

“They [ed. Dragnea and Dancila] haven’t shown their faces since we had the protest on Friday. We think they might have indeed run somewhere until spirits calm down. If Dancila drives, then they’re certainly in big trouble. She doesn’t even know how to read, but to drive? Hahaha”

No mass protests today in Bucharest prompts Romanian government to send riot police in Turkey to beat anti-Erdogan protesters

Bucharest, Romania

Working in the Romanian riot police force is not an easy job. Riot policemen (called “jandarmi”) had a very busy weekend in Bucharest, where they had to beat hundreds of women, children, pensioners, students, journalists and people in wheelchair protesting against the corrupt and incompetent ruling coalition. Few of the policemen were also injured, but mostly by their own colleagues, who were too high on steroids to distinguish between protesters and police force. Speaking in a press conference after the events, the riot police commander hailed the excellent work done by his subordinates:

“It’s been a productive day. My colleagues have done an excellent job today and as you can see, the number of injured protesters grows by the hour. I would call it a real success, although killing one or two protesters might have sent an even stronger message. We look forward to further confrontations, I mean we got all this new nice equipment from the Ministry of Interior Affairs, we have to use it, right?” said Gheorghe Multa-Muica Cucos, police riot commander at a press conference on Saturday.

But with no mass protests planned for Monday, the Government had to change plans and send the riot police troops to Ankara and Istanbul, to help one of its key allies and idols, Mr. Erdogan. In a brief press conference on Monday morning, puppet Prime-Minister of Romania, Viorica Dancila, laid down next plans for the anti riot force:

“Mr. Liviu Dragnea told me to tell you this [reading from piece of paper]: We stand besides Mr. Erdogan, a symbol of authoritarianism and despotism in the region. Romania might not be there yet but we are learning and our Government is making sustained efforts to crack down on democracy and the rule of law”

Liviu Dragnea is the convicted leader of the Social Democrat Party and chief of the Deputy Chamber. It is believed he was the one ordering the new approach of the riot police, based on research he did on Brazil and Nicaragua. Meanwhile, Mr. Erdogan of Turkey has expressed gratitude to the Romanian Government. He suggested that before the riot police heads to his country, policemen should confiscate and plunder any euro, dollar or gold they find in their way, to help Turkish economy recover.

 

 

Breaking news! Hungarian Senate Committee reveals Jewish origins for Viktor Orban, country in political lockdown

Budapest, Hungary

A Senate Committee set up to investigate the genealogical tree of Prime Minister Viktor Orban has just announced that they can now confirm Mr. Orban is of Jewish origins. This is an unlikely turn of events for the small country of Hungary, whose ruling party Fidesz has won elections on a campaign based on anti-semitism and hate speech.

“We can now confirm that Mr. Orban is 75% of Jewish origins. The other 25% is Roma. And just to make it clear, Roma is just a Western synonym for gypsy. Of course, this is without a doubt the most shameful moment in the recent history of our nation. Not even when Romanians stole Transylvania from us comes anywhere near this” said Attila Fehermagyar , president of the Committee during a press conference only hours ago. Asked how the committee was established in the first place, Mr. Fehermagyar replied that he personally received a tip in the form of a Whatsapp text message from a US whistle-blower who called himself “Gyorgy“.

Immediately after Mr. Fehermagyar held his conference, the Hungarian Parliament launched three days of national mourning and suspended Mr. Orban’s cabinet. Sources for the Berlin Group within the National Hungarian Army informed us that a military committee has been established and a trial accusing the Prime Minister or treason is only hours away. If found guilty, Mr. Orban will be sent to Brussels or even extradited to the US. He will  then serve his life sentence in the form of a lifelong internship for one of the Open Society liberal prisons or similar, depending on ruling.

Update 13:30 CET: 60,000 Hungarians gathered to protest against Viktor Orban in Budapest 

Update 14:30 CET: Fidesz leadership has unanimously voted to replace the STOP SOROS banners with STOP ORBAN graffitis 

Update 15:30 CET: Former Hungarian Prime Minister found guilty of treason by military committee. Mr. Orban will be extradited to New York and serve his life sentence in the new Central European University (CEU) campus as library assistant 

 

 

Merkel is back in the game: Germans support immigration after United Africa wins World Cup in Russia

Berlin, Germany

The victory of United Africa on Sunday in the World Cup final over Croatia brought a change of heart for the German people. With their football team shamefully leaving the competition in the group stage, Germans have watched in bewilderment how a group of skilled and talented young Africans brought victory to their western neighbour.

“Why, I would have never…you see, we are too strict on immigration. The French did a great job letting in so many immigrants. I think Frau Merkel was right to begin with” said Schmetterling  Seehofer, conservative and AfD supporter from Bavaria.

Monday morning could not have started better for Angela Merkel, as her approval ratings soared back to 70% . In a televised press conference, Ms. Merkel encouraged the xenophobic countries of Poland, Slovakia, the Czech Republic and especially Hungary to think twice when it comes to accepting the proposed EU refugee quota.

“It is enough to look at the performance of your football teams to see that your immigration strategy is detrimental to your national interest and you will never manage to qualify further than the group stages. Viktor (Orban) you know exactly what I’m talking about” said Ms. Merkel.

Sources for the Berlin Group revealed that England also attributed its failure in the World Cup to the higher than normal white men ratio in their team. Meanwhile, Croatian coach Zlatko Dalic said his team is already made up of refugees from the Serbian war but acknowledged that “at least one African man” would have won them the match.

 

Saudi players ask for political asylum after 0-5 defeat with Russia

Moscow, Russia

Tears of both joy and desperation could be seen at the end of the 2018 World Cup kick-off match in Moscow. In what was broadly expected to be a friendly draw, Russian players administered a humiliating 5-0 to the Saudi team. Stakes were high on both sides, as the players engaged in the field with Vladimir Putin and Prince Mohammed bin Salman (aka MBS) watching from the VIP lounge of the stadium. Sources from Prince’s entourage told the Berlin Group that the match started with a casual bet between the two leaders.

“It was nothing, really. Just the usual. MBS told Putin he’ll recognize Crimea was part of Russia and contribute with a humble 50 million to arm pro-Russian rebels in Eastern Ukraine if Putin’s players won. Putin promised to wipe out Huthi militia in Yemen and stage a coup in Syria with a new leader at the Kingdom’s liking if the Saudis ended up with the 3 points after the match. But the real fun started at 2-0 for the Russians”

According to the same source, MBS was already planning to ban Saudi football players from driving at 1-0. At 2-0 he was texting each individual player with the number of lashes awaiting him in Riyadh. At 3-0 it was waterboarding and other forms of torture. 4-0  and they were all labelled agents of Hezbollah and threatened with lapidation. At 5-0 MBS promised public hanging.

“MBS was quite joyful after the match and promised Putin to send him a live facebook feed with the executions after the World Cup”, said another source close to the Russian president.

Understandably, Saudi players asked for asylum in Russia right after the match. Upon consultation with MBS, Putin generously offered to give residence permits to all Saudi footballers and provide them with facilities in the city of Goulagenburg, central Siberia.

Viktor Orban deeply in love with the EU Commission as Juncker-Selmayr dictatorship cements

Budapest, Hungary

This Sunday (ed. 8th of April) Hungarians head to the polls to vote in presidential elections. There will be no surprise on the winner, as President-Minister Viktor Orban is set for yet another mandate at the head of the small Eastern European country. But there is indeed something that has surprised Europe in the last weeks – Orban’s sudden love story with the EU Commission. The Hungarian President is not unaccustomed to love stories with world leaders. Nonetheless, everyone saw his long-term relationship with Russia’s Vladimir Putin as rock-solid stalinist material. One of The Berlin Group’s most reliable sources from within the Hungarian Parliament revealed the secret exclusively and in premiere for us.

“Few weeks ago me and Viktor (ed. Viktor Orban) were having our usual after work palinka shots. Well earned palinka I’d add, that day we closed three pro-democracy NGOs and jailed one of those independent journalists. So Viktor was telling me that Vladyushka (ed. Vladimir Putin) is not as receptive to his messages as he used to be. <<We don’t talk anymore>> he told me, <<all this elections, shopping mall fire and nervous gas attack got his too busy for me..>>. Few Unicum shots later, he finally told me his heart was in Brussels with a couple he now dreamt of having a threesome with every night: Juncker and Selmayr”

To some, Orban’s dark desire would not come as a surprise though. After the hostile and undemocratic takeover of the Commission’s leadership by Juncker’s right hand Martin Selmayr (for an exclusive interview of The Berlin Group with Selmayr review our previous post), Orban simply can’t hide his admiration for the Brussels couple.

“The way Juncker and Selmayr mopped up with European democracy is just irresistible for someone like Orban. He will most probably become one of the most ardent supporters of the EU Commission and it’s very likely he’ll eye a position with the two tyrants now ruling in Brussels too. It will be more difficult than with his peasant electorate from Hungary though, Brussels is another game level” confessed another Fidesz source for us.

Do you see Orban in an EU leadership role? We’ll keep you posted with post-election developments, meanwhile let us know what you think!

Putin denies nervous gas attack and says diluted vodka poisoned former KGB spy, while breaking down in tears

Moscow, Russia

Freshly re-elected at the Kremlin, President-for-life Vladimir Putin took some time to finally address the attack on former KGB spy Sergei Skripal. Speaking at a press-conference in the Red Square, he waved Western accusations as ridiculous “nonsense”:

“Come on, just stop all this nonsense about some Novichok or Kazachok or Vladivostok programme. There’s no such thing and even if it was, we did our research and KGB spies are resistant to that. We only use nervous gases on low-key targets when we apply the Syrian Method [Ed. Syrian Method was first described by The Berlin Group]. I mean we would if we had any, but we don’t.” said Putin in front of a handful of foreign media outlets allowed at the press-conference, The Berlin Group included.

While everyone expected this to be the end of a classic Putin press conference, the President-for-life lingered for a few moments and then broke down in tears, just to quickly recover and make a heart-breaking confession to those present in the room:

“Listen, I didn’t want this to go out before elections because it would have crushed the heart of any real Russian out there. Sergei was not poisoned by nervous gas. He was subject to the cruelest of all humiliations a Russian can be subject to. He was given diluted vodka and as God is my witness, I shall find whoever did that and use an overdose of Novichok on him. I mean I would if we had any but we don’t so I’ll find something else.” concluded Putin.

It is unclear what will happen next, but Putin will have to convince EU leaders that it was diluted vodka and not a nervous gas that poisoned the former KGB spy and his daughter. Follow us for the latest updates.

 

 

Selmayr proposes EU Fidget Spinner War Strategy after Commission Capture *EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW*

Brussels, Belgium

After EU parliamentarians were left baffled last week with consternation and uproar because of the coup d’etat of Juncker’s childhood friend Selmayr, the tension in the control room of the EU raised further after rumours that his first policy proposal entails including fidget spinners in the ongoing update of the EU-UN War Innovation Strategy.

Taking advantage of the climate of suspicion towards mainstream media among high-level politicians and – simply – the pressing lack of journalists, The Berlin Group could convince Selmayr for an exclusive interview on the matter.

Mr Selmayr, to start with, how did you come up with this idea?

Actually, I played around already a long time with this idea. It came up to my mind again after reading with pleasure that Season 2 of Westworld is to be shot in Syria [a story previously covered by the Berlin Group – Ed.]. I thought it would be a nice first policy proposal to ease the MPs in the European Parliament, who seem to be seriously concerned about the matter.

Ok. *cough*. Concerned about the matter? 

Of course! If there is one thing bringing in money, that’s weapons. France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, …. and many other Member States need this war to get the economy going! Fidget Spinners will be a cost-efficient innovation for the industry, to stay ahead of the Israeli weapon research. By the way, another good example is our new Fidget Big Data Gathering (FBDG) project that we are currently testing in a pilot on migrants arriving in the EU. Only paying Erdogan some money will not be enough anyway to deal with them.

And what about the UK? Does Brexit impact the EU Policy on this matter?

Ah, the British! After all this, we will learn them how to deal with miliatary innovation. They still seem to be thinking they are the center of the world, but the contrary is true! Until now they only seem to be concerned how to regulate advertisements in the subway.

To close this interview, why did you choose this subject for your first policy proposal? Aren’t there other pressing issues to be dealt with, such as climate change?

Climate change? There was a guy in the Commission, Jos Delbeke [until recently DG Climate in the Commission – Ed.] who didn’t stop annoying me with this hoax, therefore I decided with Bro Juncker to get him out. Who will earn money with this anyway? We better spend money on other stuff. So we’ll replace him with an old Italian friend from Juncker who knows how tu run a business [previously DG for Commerce and Free Trade Agreements – Ed.], but we could have also have replaced him with somebody from TV. In the end, we pay better than the average news agency, and at least they know how to communicate!

Thank you Mr Selmayr for this enlightening interview.

In the wake of these events, the IPCC does not seem bothered and continues the work on their next report on the impact of 1.5 °C warming. As pointed out by Röckstrom, they should reach out more. To the Berlin Group for example. Or our partner What The Fuck Just Happened Today.

Stay tuned!

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