Saudi prince denies knowing journalist fate: “I don’t know if the men I sent hanged, shot or stoned him”

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

Prince Mohammed Bin Salam of Saudi Arabia finally broke the silence on Tuesday and declared his innocence. During a press conference held in the Saudi capital with journalists participating via Skype from safe, un-named countries, MBS  answered questions related to the killing of Jamal Khashoggi.

“I cannot properly answer your question because I simply do not have the complete answer. I sent some men to take care of him but I have no clue about how they killed him. I don’t know if the men I sent hanged, shot or stoned him. They might have tortured him to death for all I know. It would also be impossible for me to find out – already asked my secret services to kill the killers so as to not leave any traces behind” said MBS in response to a question from the Berlin Group, while writing down the name of our correspondent in the Middle East.

MBS also blamed Erdogan for the current international scandal regarding the assassination of the Saudi journalist.

“This is all Erdogan’s fault. He told me he would reintroduce capital punishment. Had he done that we wouldn’t be talking about such irrelevant topics here, today. But well, what can you expect from an old rusty incompetent guy like him. He’s too afraid he’ll lose EU money if he does it. We’ll see what he does when I switch off the oil taps” concluded MBS angrily, returning to his room and resuming “World of Warcraft”.

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Study finds metal smuggling contributes to achieving recycling targets and boosting a circular economy

Wetwank, Yorkshire

A study by British scientists at the University of Heavy and Rare Metals (UHRM) in Wetwank, Yorkshire, found that countries are more likely to reach their recycling targets if they are more lenient towards metal smugglers. The study looked at 23 countries within and outside the European Union (EU) and in all but two cases, their hypothesis was validated by data on the ground. The exceptions were Romania and Turkey. In Romania, it was found that people from the roma community were more efficient than smugglers to informally implement national recycling strategies. In Turkey, it was found that all smuggled metals – in particular gold – were confiscated by Erdogan to strengthen a falling Turkish Lira and so did not count in official statistics.

“Our study sends a strong signal to countries that have national recycling targets or are obliged to implement the Circular Economy Package of the EU. It is more so for countries that are struggling to reach those targets. Letting smugglers to deal with recycling is a win-win strategy. It flourishes local black economy and makes criminals richer. This increases tax revenue and decreases unemployment by means of human trafficking. At the same time, it looks good in national statistics so politicians can brag about it and boost their ratings”, said Olof Smuglesson, project leader.

Sources of The Berlin Group claim that police force in most of the case study countries welcomed the results. In Iceland, police said they can finally focus on things that matter, such as punishing mentally impaired tourists doing off-road driving. In Norway, police welcomed the chance of shifting efforts from smuggling prevention to confiscating Finnish reindeers  illegally crossing into the country. Governments seem to have also received the study well, apart from the US, where President Donald Trump tweeted he will impose a 25% import tax for metal smugglers.

 

Latest IPCC report names George Soros as main cause of global warming

Geneva, Switzerland

In its 6th and last assessment report, the Intergovernmental Panel of Climate Change (IPCC) marks a breakthrough in scientific research. After spending millions of dollars and decades of research and investigative work, IPCC has finally succeeded in pointing out the single most detrimental factor to our climate. And it’s George Soros. With 100% scientific consensus, the Hungarian-born billionaire is now claimed to cause most of our global warming. In exact scientific terms, he causes all of our global warming.

“It is indeed a breakthrough. For years we’ve been looking at what causes global warming and we could not put our finger on exactly what is it that triggers all this. But during he past 4-5 years we reshaped the way we do science, we started to get outside the silo, break the silo. We opened our eyes to what governments across the world are reporting and, voila!, it was right under our nose. George Soros!” said Abdalah Mokssit, IPCC Secretary General.

The IPCC report goes at length expanding on the exact activities that George Soros is systematically executing in order to destabilise our planet’s climate. He is now proved to have started wildfires in California and Greece each year. He attempted a coup on the corrupt Romanian leader Liviu Dragnea who then had to burn plane fuel to take shelter in Brazil. He got US President Donald Trump drunk and made him sign out of the Paris Agreement. Perhaps Soros’ worst action was whispering “liberal democracy” to Hungary’s PM Viktor Orban, who then turned red with fury and increased global temperatures by 2 degrees celsius.

As expected, Mr. Soros refused to comment the allegations. Sources from the Berlin Group said the reason of all his activities are related to finally getting global warming on Wallstreet and making money out of bonds.

Mourning in Romania as Prime Minister Dancila and coalition leader Liviu Dragnea not among victims of Morandi bridge collapse

Bucharest, Romania

Scenes of utter disappointment in the Romanian capital of Bucharest, only days after a violent anti-corruption protest. Hopes were high in the Eastern European Member State when the Ministry of Foreign Affairs confirmed two Romanian casualties following the tragic collapse of Morandi Bridge in Genoa, Italy.

“I’m in tears. I was so sure, we all were so sure Dragnea and Dancila were running away after the protests, driving on that bridge to Switzerland…now we have to live with the fact that two hard working Romanians escaping poverty abroad are dead instead of them” said Ion Amariei, one of the many Romanians gathered in Bucharest’s Victory Square for a day of national mourning.

While most people showed desperation and grief, there were still a few optimists in the crowd.

“This is indeed sad. Those two Romanians probably have families, children, who were waiting for them back home. Me and my friends are checking updates on news outlets every minute, there are at least a dozen of people gone missing and – God willing – Dancila and Dragnea are among them” said Andrei Delatulcea, IT professional.

Many of the optimists gathered for mourning say they will stay in the square. They told The Berlin Group that their motivation comes from some plausible scenarios.

“They [ed. Dragnea and Dancila] haven’t shown their faces since we had the protest on Friday. We think they might have indeed run somewhere until spirits calm down. If Dancila drives, then they’re certainly in big trouble. She doesn’t even know how to read, but to drive? Hahaha”

No mass protests today in Bucharest prompts Romanian government to send riot police in Turkey to beat anti-Erdogan protesters

Bucharest, Romania

Working in the Romanian riot police force is not an easy job. Riot policemen (called “jandarmi”) had a very busy weekend in Bucharest, where they had to beat hundreds of women, children, pensioners, students, journalists and people in wheelchair protesting against the corrupt and incompetent ruling coalition. Few of the policemen were also injured, but mostly by their own colleagues, who were too high on steroids to distinguish between protesters and police force. Speaking in a press conference after the events, the riot police commander hailed the excellent work done by his subordinates:

“It’s been a productive day. My colleagues have done an excellent job today and as you can see, the number of injured protesters grows by the hour. I would call it a real success, although killing one or two protesters might have sent an even stronger message. We look forward to further confrontations, I mean we got all this new nice equipment from the Ministry of Interior Affairs, we have to use it, right?” said Gheorghe Multa-Muica Cucos, police riot commander at a press conference on Saturday.

But with no mass protests planned for Monday, the Government had to change plans and send the riot police troops to Ankara and Istanbul, to help one of its key allies and idols, Mr. Erdogan. In a brief press conference on Monday morning, puppet Prime-Minister of Romania, Viorica Dancila, laid down next plans for the anti riot force:

“Mr. Liviu Dragnea told me to tell you this [reading from piece of paper]: We stand besides Mr. Erdogan, a symbol of authoritarianism and despotism in the region. Romania might not be there yet but we are learning and our Government is making sustained efforts to crack down on democracy and the rule of law”

Liviu Dragnea is the convicted leader of the Social Democrat Party and chief of the Deputy Chamber. It is believed he was the one ordering the new approach of the riot police, based on research he did on Brazil and Nicaragua. Meanwhile, Mr. Erdogan of Turkey has expressed gratitude to the Romanian Government. He suggested that before the riot police heads to his country, policemen should confiscate and plunder any euro, dollar or gold they find in their way, to help Turkish economy recover.

 

 

Breaking news! Hungarian Senate Committee reveals Jewish origins for Viktor Orban, country in political lockdown

Budapest, Hungary

A Senate Committee set up to investigate the genealogical tree of Prime Minister Viktor Orban has just announced that they can now confirm Mr. Orban is of Jewish origins. This is an unlikely turn of events for the small country of Hungary, whose ruling party Fidesz has won elections on a campaign based on anti-semitism and hate speech.

“We can now confirm that Mr. Orban is 75% of Jewish origins. The other 25% is Roma. And just to make it clear, Roma is just a Western synonym for gypsy. Of course, this is without a doubt the most shameful moment in the recent history of our nation. Not even when Romanians stole Transylvania from us comes anywhere near this” said Attila Fehermagyar , president of the Committee during a press conference only hours ago. Asked how the committee was established in the first place, Mr. Fehermagyar replied that he personally received a tip in the form of a Whatsapp text message from a US whistle-blower who called himself “Gyorgy“.

Immediately after Mr. Fehermagyar held his conference, the Hungarian Parliament launched three days of national mourning and suspended Mr. Orban’s cabinet. Sources for the Berlin Group within the National Hungarian Army informed us that a military committee has been established and a trial accusing the Prime Minister or treason is only hours away. If found guilty, Mr. Orban will be sent to Brussels or even extradited to the US. He will  then serve his life sentence in the form of a lifelong internship for one of the Open Society liberal prisons or similar, depending on ruling.

Update 13:30 CET: 60,000 Hungarians gathered to protest against Viktor Orban in Budapest 

Update 14:30 CET: Fidesz leadership has unanimously voted to replace the STOP SOROS banners with STOP ORBAN graffitis 

Update 15:30 CET: Former Hungarian Prime Minister found guilty of treason by military committee. Mr. Orban will be extradited to New York and serve his life sentence in the new Central European University (CEU) campus as library assistant 

 

 

Merkel is back in the game: Germans support immigration after United Africa wins World Cup in Russia

Berlin, Germany

The victory of United Africa on Sunday in the World Cup final over Croatia brought a change of heart for the German people. With their football team shamefully leaving the competition in the group stage, Germans have watched in bewilderment how a group of skilled and talented young Africans brought victory to their western neighbour.

“Why, I would have never…you see, we are too strict on immigration. The French did a great job letting in so many immigrants. I think Frau Merkel was right to begin with” said Schmetterling  Seehofer, conservative and AfD supporter from Bavaria.

Monday morning could not have started better for Angela Merkel, as her approval ratings soared back to 70% . In a televised press conference, Ms. Merkel encouraged the xenophobic countries of Poland, Slovakia, the Czech Republic and especially Hungary to think twice when it comes to accepting the proposed EU refugee quota.

“It is enough to look at the performance of your football teams to see that your immigration strategy is detrimental to your national interest and you will never manage to qualify further than the group stages. Viktor (Orban) you know exactly what I’m talking about” said Ms. Merkel.

Sources for the Berlin Group revealed that England also attributed its failure in the World Cup to the higher than normal white men ratio in their team. Meanwhile, Croatian coach Zlatko Dalic said his team is already made up of refugees from the Serbian war but acknowledged that “at least one African man” would have won them the match.

 

Saudi players ask for political asylum after 0-5 defeat with Russia

Moscow, Russia

Tears of both joy and desperation could be seen at the end of the 2018 World Cup kick-off match in Moscow. In what was broadly expected to be a friendly draw, Russian players administered a humiliating 5-0 to the Saudi team. Stakes were high on both sides, as the players engaged in the field with Vladimir Putin and Prince Mohammed bin Salman (aka MBS) watching from the VIP lounge of the stadium. Sources from Prince’s entourage told the Berlin Group that the match started with a casual bet between the two leaders.

“It was nothing, really. Just the usual. MBS told Putin he’ll recognize Crimea was part of Russia and contribute with a humble 50 million to arm pro-Russian rebels in Eastern Ukraine if Putin’s players won. Putin promised to wipe out Huthi militia in Yemen and stage a coup in Syria with a new leader at the Kingdom’s liking if the Saudis ended up with the 3 points after the match. But the real fun started at 2-0 for the Russians”

According to the same source, MBS was already planning to ban Saudi football players from driving at 1-0. At 2-0 he was texting each individual player with the number of lashes awaiting him in Riyadh. At 3-0 it was waterboarding and other forms of torture. 4-0  and they were all labelled agents of Hezbollah and threatened with lapidation. At 5-0 MBS promised public hanging.

“MBS was quite joyful after the match and promised Putin to send him a live facebook feed with the executions after the World Cup”, said another source close to the Russian president.

Understandably, Saudi players asked for asylum in Russia right after the match. Upon consultation with MBS, Putin generously offered to give residence permits to all Saudi footballers and provide them with facilities in the city of Goulagenburg, central Siberia.

Viktor Orban deeply in love with the EU Commission as Juncker-Selmayr dictatorship cements

Budapest, Hungary

This Sunday (ed. 8th of April) Hungarians head to the polls to vote in presidential elections. There will be no surprise on the winner, as President-Minister Viktor Orban is set for yet another mandate at the head of the small Eastern European country. But there is indeed something that has surprised Europe in the last weeks – Orban’s sudden love story with the EU Commission. The Hungarian President is not unaccustomed to love stories with world leaders. Nonetheless, everyone saw his long-term relationship with Russia’s Vladimir Putin as rock-solid stalinist material. One of The Berlin Group’s most reliable sources from within the Hungarian Parliament revealed the secret exclusively and in premiere for us.

“Few weeks ago me and Viktor (ed. Viktor Orban) were having our usual after work palinka shots. Well earned palinka I’d add, that day we closed three pro-democracy NGOs and jailed one of those independent journalists. So Viktor was telling me that Vladyushka (ed. Vladimir Putin) is not as receptive to his messages as he used to be. <<We don’t talk anymore>> he told me, <<all this elections, shopping mall fire and nervous gas attack got his too busy for me..>>. Few Unicum shots later, he finally told me his heart was in Brussels with a couple he now dreamt of having a threesome with every night: Juncker and Selmayr”

To some, Orban’s dark desire would not come as a surprise though. After the hostile and undemocratic takeover of the Commission’s leadership by Juncker’s right hand Martin Selmayr (for an exclusive interview of The Berlin Group with Selmayr review our previous post), Orban simply can’t hide his admiration for the Brussels couple.

“The way Juncker and Selmayr mopped up with European democracy is just irresistible for someone like Orban. He will most probably become one of the most ardent supporters of the EU Commission and it’s very likely he’ll eye a position with the two tyrants now ruling in Brussels too. It will be more difficult than with his peasant electorate from Hungary though, Brussels is another game level” confessed another Fidesz source for us.

Do you see Orban in an EU leadership role? We’ll keep you posted with post-election developments, meanwhile let us know what you think!

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