10 reactions of world leaders following Macron´s election

Paris, France.

Emanuel Macron obtained a landslide victory in the French elections on Sunday and world leaders were quick to react. Here´s what The Berlin Group found out from the top political figures:

  • Donald Trump said he was excited to work with Macron on building a wall that will protect France from Afro-Mexicans
  • While texting via Whatsapp to a contact mysteriously called “Vlady”, Viktor Orban said he needed more time to reflect on what happened
  • Angela Merkel said she called back the German troops stationed at the French border for the last week as soon as polls showed Marine Le Pen lost the elections
  • Vladimir Putin was busy writing a press conference in Hungarian
  • Erdogan called Le Pen and told her she was welcome to become one of the First Ladies of the Turkish Sultanate
  • Theresa May reportedly asked her Finance Minister to add 100 billion euros to the bill UK has to pay for leaving the EU
  • Justin Trudeau invited Macron for a duo photoshoot on the cover of Canada´s prime LGBT magazine
  • Leaders of Italy, Spain and Portugal were having their usual siesta and said they will release a statement later, though no time was indicated
  • While queing at an ATM in Athens, Greek PM Alexis Tsipras said his government was now translating a new loan request in French
  • Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un successfully tested another intercontinental missile, on which he wrote “En Marche!”
  • President Xi Jinping of China called Macron and suggested Chinese companies could be contracted at very competitive prices to build the Europe he dreams of
Advertisements

BREAKING NEWS: Hungarian Government to be shut down and relocated out of Russia because it receives 5 billion euros in foreign EU funds, President Putin announces

putin

Moscow, Russia

In an unprecedented move, President Putin of Russia announced that Viktor Orban´s institution – the Government of the Socialist Republic of Hungary – needs to shut down its campus in Russia and move out. The news come as Russia´s Duma recently passed a law forbidding foreign-funded institutions to operate within the country´s borders.

“Let us be clear now. Orban´s institution could in theory continue activity in its Kremlin campus but this is conditioned by the Hungarian Government actually operating a campus also in the country where it receives financing from, so Hungary.  Unfortunately for Mr. Orban, this is not the case” said Mr. Putin for Crimea TV+ earlier today.

It is well known that the Hungarian Government receives 5 billion euros from the EU and other billions of euros from the Hungarian taxpayers, despite of operating solely as a branch of the Kremlin and being physically based in Moscow. Mr. Putin´s move is part of recent pieces of legislation directed at modernising the country, increasing political accountability and strengthening the rule of law . Although Putin himself was financed by Mr. Orban´s institution in 1956 for a diplomatic internship in Budapest, the relationship between the two seem to have cooled down in last years, as Mr. Putin took a U-turn from totalitarianism to democracy.

“Putin is just acting in an unacceptably democratic way and targets specifically this government, he knows we cannot possibly start operating in Europe on such a short notice, they are too liberal and progressive there. The Hungarian Government has been a central instrument in crushing of the rule of law and democracy in the region but it seems this is not aligning with Putin´s plans anymore” Mr. Orban told The Berlin Group, stressing that the fight is not over and he will be seeking support in Beijing.

We will update the page as the events unfold.

Agriculture in Romania on the brink of collapse. All manure is consumed by politicians

Bucharest, 4th February 2017.

Hundreds of thousand of people took to the streets of Romania for the past few weeks in a quest to get rid of the Government and Parliament officials. The anger of Romanian people come from the fact that politicians have not stopped eating manure ever since the last elections in December and thus the domestic agriculture sector in the country is close to collapsing. John Shepherd, former Minister of Agriculture, said the situation is critical.

“It is a matter of life and death, basically. Almost all politicians started eating manure at an incredibly high rate immediately after elections. Just to give you a comparison, Romanian officials ate more manure in a few weeks than Donal Trump and the Republicans in the entire last year” said Mr. Shepherd in an exclusive interview for the Berlin Group.

dinti-dragnea-1.jpg
Liviu Dragnea of PSD said eating manure helped him maintain perfectly healthy teeth

Phil Hogan, EU Commissioner for Agriculture and Rural Development warned the EU Parliament today that Romania is just the start and the worse is yet to come:

“We have intel that mass protests are about to be launched in other European nations. This would just prove what we´ve suspected in the last period, which is that Romanian politicians are not the only ones consuming manure. In only a month we could witness a crisis of the entire European agriculture sector”

The Chief of State who at the same time is head of the Environment Protection Agency (EPA) in the US, Mr. Donald Trump, had a different opinion.

“We should all follow the example of Romanian politicians. The amount of manure they consume is just great, I´m telling you. I actually heard they started to pay regular visits to wastewater treatment plants to get their lunch and dinner straight from the sewage. That´s just great. That´s huge. Make manure great again!”

The Berlin Group wanted to also interview Liviu Dragnea, fuhrer of the Romanian Social-Democrat Party (PSD) and king of the Romanian Parliament but as soon as he opened his mouth, our reporter was knocked out unconscious by the smell.

 

Erdogan reveals 10-point masterplan to bring Turkey on the path of sustainability by 2200

The European Parliament´s vote on Thursday to freeze EU-Turkey accession talks was a wake up call for Turkish President Erdogan, who was quick to react.

“I am taking the MEPs vote today seriously. Although I was hurt and saddened that our European friends did not understand the truly democratic reforms we have been trying to implement here for the past decade, I am ready to make our stance clear. As of next week, I will implement a Sustainable and Highly Inclusive Turkey (SHIT) masterplan to make the country compatible with all chapters of EU accession by 2200”, said Erdogan, in a press conference held only minutes before the results of the MEPs´ vote was known.

langdonarchitecture

The Berlin Group has exclusive access to the SHIT. Below are the 10 main points of this masterplan, which can bring Turkey in the EU much sooner than anyone was able to forecast.

  1. Erdogan´s 1,150 room Presidential Palace will be equipped with a green roof. British scientists revealed that this move means CO2 sequestration for all emissions in Turkey and actually, the whole world.
  2. The number of green spaces in urban areas will increase to 40% of their total surface by 2050. Only ecologically produced green paint will be used in the process.
  3. Turkey will stop bombing the Kurdish minorities, who will peacefully be relocated in Siberia following a benchmark political deal between Putin and Erdogan.
  4. The number of cars driven on Turkish roads will decrease by at least a third, as women will be prohibited to drive by 2020.
  5. Freedom of press will be respected. Starting 2017, Sputnik, Russia Today and CCTV (China´s National Channel) will be part of the mainstream mass media in Turkey.
  6. The tens of thousands of people arrested during the 2016 failed coup will be set free. They will be able to choose between patriotically serving their country in Syria or joining the newly established free Kurdish communities in Siberia.
  7. Radical islamisation will be tackled. All identified radicalised islamists will be sent in the West for re-education.
  8. More political transparency and accountability, as all legal acts adopted by the President will need to be broadcasted on state television no later than 5 years from entering into force, in order to keep citizens updated on legal issues.
  9. Building on the reforms implemented by President Putin in Russia and Crimea, Erdogan vouches to launch a “Turkey without borders” international programme by 2025.
  10. Turkey will fight discrimination. There are plans for state surveillance of all Turkish citizens by 2050, irrespective of sex, religion, skin colour or education level.

Disgrace: Following the Sunday primaries, Sarkozy will be co-opted by Fillon as Minister of Environment

As if his premature exit from the French conservative primaries could not have gotten any more humiliating, Sarkozy was basically kicked out through the politics backdoor on Monday when presidential hopeful Francois Fillon offered him the Ministry of Environment in a future government.

“I was ready to be in the shadows again and become Sarkozy´s Prime Minister for a second time. Then on Sunday he kept losing votes – I first considered making him PM if he made it to second place, as a show of respect. But third place…he left me no choice but the Ministry of Environment” said an euphoric Fillon as soon as the preliminary results came out.

sarko_2214906b

Historically, the Ministry of Environment in France (and other European and world countries, as a matter of fact all of them) has been the dumpsite of politicians who lost any support from their party leadership and are doomed to be forgotten in a place that no one cares about.

“Oh putain!” was Sarkozy´s first reaction after he found out about this new humiliation. “I did not see that coming. Of course I was aiming to become the Finance Minister or at least PM, but this is just a disaster. Ministry of Environment basically means no funding, no compromise from other ministries, no attention from the PM, nothing!”

Sarkozy´s salvation might surprisingly come from Marine Le Pen, the extreme-right presidential candidate. Le Pen phoned Sarkozy late on Sunday and promised to send him to Moscow as ambassador to France´s new best friend as of next year – Vladimir Putin.

“I really hope Le Pen gets it. Putin is a nice guy and we´ve been getting along really well in the past. Actually, we´ve had many parties down at Berlusconi´s. God bless, if she doesn´t win next year, Carla will surely divorce me to avoid public shame” concluded Sarkozy.

No Climate Change Action Plan at COP22 for Germany as the country aims to become world´s #1 polluter

The world was in shock on Tuesday when Donald J. Trump was elected Obama´s successor at the White House, but the Germans were quick to react.

“With Obama in the office, we wanted to prove we´re the best by being the first to achieve the goals set in the Paris Agreement. Now that Mr. Trump won, we had to rethink our strategy. We will become world´s number one polluter” said Vice-Chancellor Sigmar Gabriel in an interview for The Berlin Group.

Even Barbara Hendricks, Germany´s Ministry of Environment, was on board. Speaking at a press conference before heading to the COP22 in Marrakech, she confessed her ministry did not even bother coming up with a Climate Change Action Plan.

berlin-2016-2

“We wanted to show leadership at this COP. We had to get outside our silos and not having a climate change action plan was just the logical step. Global leaders in Marrakech need to have it clear that Germany will commit to take over China and the US as world´s biggest polluter by 2050.”

The move is set to not only reconfirm that Germans are at the forefront of promoting sustainable development worldwide. It will also help chancellor Angela Merkel, whose policies have so far not made her very popular. Estimations show that relocating production for the domestic market from China to Germany will allow the country to reach 0% unemployment and exponential growth indefinitely. Minor effects will include a 99% loss of biodiversity, critical pollution of all water sources, collapse of the agricultural sector and smogs in town and village with a population over 10 inhabitants. However, Germans are not worried.

“Those are just numbers, they don´t tell anything. Besides, once we´re done with completely destroying our environment, we can simply invade France again”, said Mr. Mannheim Schnitzel, entrepreneur from Stuttgart.

On the other hand, President elect Donald J. Trump did not seem worried by Germany´s plans and was heard asking Mike Pence: “Germany? Isn´t that a village in Britain?”.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑