Putin denies nervous gas attack and says diluted vodka poisoned former KGB spy, while breaking down in tears

Moscow, Russia

Freshly re-elected at the Kremlin, President-for-life Vladimir Putin took some time to finally address the attack on former KGB spy Sergei Skripal. Speaking at a press-conference in the Red Square, he waved Western accusations as ridiculous “nonsense”:

“Come on, just stop all this nonsense about some Novichok or Kazachok or Vladivostok programme. There’s no such thing and even if it was, we did our research and KGB spies are resistant to that. We only use nervous gases on low-key targets when we apply the Syrian Method [Ed. Syrian Method was first described by The Berlin Group]. I mean we would if we had any, but we don’t.” said Putin in front of a handful of foreign media outlets allowed at the press-conference, The Berlin Group included.

While everyone expected this to be the end of a classic Putin press conference, the President-for-life lingered for a few moments and then broke down in tears, just to quickly recover and make a heart-breaking confession to those present in the room:

“Listen, I didn’t want this to go out before elections because it would have crushed the heart of any real Russian out there. Sergei was not poisoned by nervous gas. He was subject to the cruelest of all humiliations a Russian can be subject to. He was given diluted vodka and as God is my witness, I shall find whoever did that and use an overdose of Novichok on him. I mean I would if we had any but we don’t so I’ll find something else.” concluded Putin.

It is unclear what will happen next, but Putin will have to convince EU leaders that it was diluted vodka and not a nervous gas that poisoned the former KGB spy and his daughter. Follow us for the latest updates.

 

 

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Season 2 of Westworld to be shot in Syria

Hollywood, US

Excitement at today’s Westworld crew conference rumours that the series’ new season will be shot in Syria were confirmed. Creators Jonathan Nole and Lisa Joy ended up last weeks’ Hollywood gossips by acknowledging their long-time fascination with Syria, particularly the Middle-Eastern’s country development since 2011.

“We never told this to anyone but in fact our source of inspiration for the first season was not so much the 1973 science-fiction western thriller ,but the Syrian playground. Since 2011, Syria has been this fascinating human-themed park where military powers of the world went to play with their latest gadget”, said Mr. Nole.

Asked if the series wanted to provide a solution to global conflict – and particularly to the war in Syria – by showcasing a battleground where humans cannot be hurt, Lisa Joy surprised some of the journalists in the audience:

“Absolutely not. We actually wanted to show how the real situation in Syria evolved. Before the Arab Spring, the country was a serene, peaceful place where those who were not liked by Bashar al-Assad were simply killed, tortured or imprisoned. Just like our humanoid robots. The end of the first season basically shows the effects of the Arab Spring and the revolt of the Syrian people. But you know how it goes, revolutions can go south”

Asked what she thought about the creators’ decision to shoot season 2 in Syria, Westworld protagonist Evan Rachel Woods said she loved it:

“Just like season 2, Syria is a bloodbath. It’s hard to find real-life inspiration the way you find it in Syria. And just to give you a clue about how real this gets, Tarantino will direct some of the episodes”

Contacted by The Berlin Group, Mr. Tarantino said he was more than excited to join the Westworld crew in Syria. He also mentioned it has been a disappointment that the US government or any military power involved in the Syrian conflict did not contact him for advice on mass-murder and total human annihilation. “They clearly haven’t watched any of my films” concluded Mr. Tarantino.

 

UN in breakthrough “Syrian Method” solution to eradicate world poverty

Geneva, Switzerland

In a landmark summit held in Geneva, United Nations (UN) General Secretary Antonio Guterres presented UN’s breakthrough strategy to achieve some of the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs). The underpinning solution to the strategy is affectionately entitled “the Syrian Method” and it is based on three basic principles: (1) constant violation of human rights, particularly the right to live; (2) continuous targeting of the poor; and (3) not taking responsibility for any crimes against humanity, in particular against the poor.

“It is my honour and indeed my pleasure to present to the world a breakthrough method that will indisputably revolutionise the way we make progress in achieving the SDGs. The Syrian Method has been proposed unanimously by all the members of G20 at the last Davos summit, a historical event to be remembered by our grand-grandchildren if we think about it. We looked at Syria as a pilot project. The international coalitions carrying out sustained work since 2011managed to almost eradicate the poor. We wish to take this to other parts of the world affected by poverty” said Mr. Guterres in front of the radiant audience gathered at Hotel President Wilson in the Swiss city.

Present at the meeting, President Trump hailed the Syrian Method as “a great method, the best you’ve seen”, while British PM Therese May said she will even consider implementing it in the working-class, economically marginalised areas of Britain. German Chancellor Angela Merkel praised the method as “highly efficient” and President Putin held a speech explaining the rationale behind the method:

“It is dead simple. You want to eradicate poverty? You eradicate the poor. You f*ck the poor!”, ended Mr. Putin in the excited applauses of political and business leaders.

According to the documents examined by us at The Berlin Group, the Syrian Method will not only be used to tackle the “zero poverty goal” but has overarching implications on the goals of “zero hunger”, “clean water and sanitation” and “life on land”, all of which will benefit from a decreased – or indeed eradicated – poor population.

 

EU Leads The World in Climate Action with its new Winter Package ‘Wanting More, Delivering Less’

The European Commission presented last week a revolutionary Winter Package to tackle Climate Change in a unseen push for action after a surreal stream of events unfurled in the EU Headquarters. After streaming a hologram from his apartment in The United Islands of Paradise – in an attempt to equal the performance of his secret lover Melenchon, Juncker managed to kickstart a revolutionary political momentum backed by the Commission in an unseen confusing but weirdly effective manner, by only stumbling  “I have a wish to express. There is nothing wrong with that” at an EU leader roundtable last week.

Left confused, the EU leaders present in the room first thought he wanted to eat beef during the evening gala of the High Level Expert Group on Total Meat Consumption (HLEG-TMG)  – a story previously covered by The Berlin Group – but our sources from his close entourage at his secretary found out that he wanted to surpass the previously largely unmoving and unnoticed artistic upwellings of Herman van Rompuy, his predecessor.

Because of a Russian botnet attack on the unsecured networks of the Agenda Management IT Infrastructure of the European Commission, the EU leaders found themselves instead present at the High Level Group on Tackling Climate Change – an industrial think thank operating within DG Historical Archives Service – to further debate the wish of Juncker.

Because Angela Merkel was too unconscious due to an overdose of painkillers, and because Macron and the Prime Minister of the Netherlands – respectively trying new negotiation techniques such as anaesthetising discussion partners with pungent perfume or silencing opponents by pushing a sandwich in their mouth – were caught up in a perpetual discussion on whether the French should eat more Dutch resource-efficient croissants and less medicines as breakfast versus whether the Dutch are paying not enough for French bio-wine, the IMF and ECB – although only having observer status during the meeting – saw their chance to come up with a draft Climate Action proposal titled ‘Money and Investors Climate Mitigation in Greece‘ in a desperate attempt to ease an unfolding corruption scandal.

Because of microphone cables getting unrooted and misdirected during indepentist celebrations while inaugurating the new 20th Brussels municipality and police force ‘Je suis / I am / Ik ben / ****??? E-Union‘ encompassing the EU quarter, DG Translation finally interpreted the title of the proposal as ‘Wanting More, Delivering Less’ – a quote coming from Brune Poirson from the French ministry during a parallel meeting of the High Level Deregulation & Lobby Management Group (HLDLMG) in another Commission building, but the content of the document remained the same.

Meanwhile, Xi Jinping watched the latest episode of Climate Cowboys on youtube – a new underground indie science fiction series from the makers of ‘Back to the Future’ – and had his first holy “Xi-Thought“.

10 things you should know about Catalonia´s Independence Referendum

  • An EU Commission spokesman said that leaders in Brussels did not see that coming and “it´s now up to Spain to solve its own s**t.”
  • 1st of October was the first day this year when tourists were not the most hated people in Barcelona. National police will top the charts for the coming weeks.
  • Theresa May send her top Brexit advisor to help out with negotiations between the Catalan leadership and the central government in Madrid. However, Spaniards confused Boris Johnson with a monkey, sedated him and sent him to the Zoo in Alicante.
  • While most Spaniards showed anger at the referendum, Madrilenes were happy: it means FC Barcelona will be kicked out of La Liga.
  • Donald Trump said that what happened in Catalonia last night only justifies his travel ban.
  • Speaking at a conference in Crimea, Putin said that territorial integrity of a nation is non-negotiable and inviolable.
  • Viktor Orban called the Spanish PM to congratulate his failed but admirable effort to stop the referendum through violence against his own people. He also invited Spain to join the Visegrad Group.
  • French went on a general strike to protest against or for the referendum.
  • Now that Spain´s GDP decreased by half, Angela Merkel invited all Spaniards to seek asylum in Germany.
  • Spaniards and foreigners leaving in the Catalan region announced their own referendum for independence from Catalonia.

Saudi Arabia continues progressive reform: after allowing women to drive, it now vouches to stop funding terrorists by 2100

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

The Saudi capital saw scenes of fierce debate between ultra conservatives and moderates, as King Salman passed a royal decree that prohibits funding of jihadist organisations after 2100, days after he granted women the right to drive. While world leaders welcomed the move of the Saudi monarch, many ultraconservatives in the leadership showed anger and vouched to fight the decree.

“This is a slap in the face for any real wahhabist and a sloppy move by our King. By signing this decree, not only does he recognise in front of the international community that is us and not Qatar financing terrorism, but he is also eroding our most fundamental religious values”, a high-ranking official told The Berlin Group earlier this morning.

Addressing his subjects in Riyadh, King Salman said that in order to fully implement the decree, his country will need to move away from the two industries that make up 99% of its GDP: oil and military: “We need rapid progress, we need to catch up with the rest of the world. 2100 is an ambitious target but I trust our leadership and the leadership after that will make it happen. There are other, more pressing issues at stake now, such as climate change: climate change is real and we need to act immediately.”

Hours after the announcement, 1 million US citizens reportedly applied for asylum in Saudi Arabia.

Netherlands charged for interfering in the US elections: Trump supporters were fed contaminated eggs, now proven to lower IQ

Washington D.C, US

A formidable U-turn in the investigation concerning US elections interference took place today, as the Netherlands is officially charged with knowingly contaminating millions of Americans with the sole purpose of helping the Trump campaign. Speaking at a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump-Russia special prosecutor Robert Muller confessed his team had been looking in the totally wrong direction:

“It came as a surprise for us too. This whole Russia thing did not really make sense. It was when the egg scandal went public in Europe that we realised what truly happened. The Dutch authorities shipped millions of contaminated eggs to the US ever since last June. Their sole purpose was to infest liberal Americans, lower their IQ and eventually trick them into voting for Trump. We apologise to Mr. Putin and to all the Russian people for misjudging this whole situation”

Berlin Group sources close to the Dutch administration say that the move came in the context of the US taking over international tulip trade and the refusal of Hillary Clinton to reach a compromise with the EU Member State. The Dutch first tested the eggs in the UK and upon achieving satisfying results with Brexit, they moved to the next stage. “With Trump elected”, our sources said, “it was clear that the US will shoot itself in the foot and we´ll once again take back control of the tulip trade.”

The EU has already started the procedures of expelling the Dutch from the EU, a move that took by surprise betting companies, who put their money on Hungary and Poland as first countries to be kicked out of the 28-strong block. It is unclear what the US response will be, as President Trump has not released any tweets yet.

Trump explains why he pulled out of the Paris Agreement: “It was all a big lie. Neither Paris Hilton nor any of the 9 Paris cities in the US had any agreement with any world leaders”

Washington, D.C.

Immediately after announcing that the US is pulling out of the Paris Agreement, Donald Trump launched a furious attack on world leaders for conspiring against his country.

“Last week I met with leaders of the top seven economies in the world, I met the EU leaders and they all lied straight to my face, all of them. They said there was a so-called Paris Agreement that the US had signed and should stick to it. I knew nothing about any agreement made by any of the Paris cities back home so I told them I will take some time to think about it. And guess what? It was all a great lie. Biggest lie ever” said an orange turned angry-red Donald Trump to the press on the Capitol Hill earlier today.

trump-angry-guns
President Donald Trump was visibly upset during his press conference at the Capitol Hill

Berlin sources from within the Trump administration told us that it all started with FBI Director Comey. It is apparent now that Comey conspired with other world leaders to feed fake news to the Trump administration with regards to the so-called Paris Agreement, which Comey claimed it was a valid global pact. The President had his doubts about Comey and eventually fired the head of FBI after the latter publicly confessed being vegan and endangered national security.

“Once he returned back to the US, President Trump started calling all the Paris municipalities: Paris, Arkansas; Paris, Idaho; Paris, Illinois; anyway, all 9 of them. He even rang Paris Hilton to ask her if she was in any way involved in this. In the end, he was understandably furious.”

Donal Trump said he is not consulting with top generals and security advisors to see which is the next course of action for his administration. Economic sanctions for world countries and cease of trade to and from the US are very likely though.

 

PC running on Windows ´95 links North Korea to global cyber-attack

Fort Meade, Maryland

The National Security Agency (NSA) of the United States just confirmed that allegations of North Korea being behind the massive global cyber-attack that crippled IT systems in more than 150 countries are true. Top programmers from the NSA department of EMUSS (Elaboration of Mass Unauthorised Spying Software) confirmed that their <Wanna cry> software was run on a PC in North Korea.

“We developed this spying software during a lunch break, the boys were just fooling around in the attic and found a PC running on ’95. Of course that was 20 years ago, and the PC is somewhere at the Smithsonian in the Archeology section. There is only one PC in the world that still uses Windows ´95 and that is Kim Jong-un´s. Apparently his father bought it to him with half of the country´s GDP at the time so he could play Solitaire, but the Kim family didn´t have money for an upgrade ever since” said head of EMUSS, Frank Haisenberg.

Kim-Jong-Un-Computer-750x496

Cyber experts say that there is 98% consensus among the community that Kim did not want to launch the attack and he is most probably not even aware of what he´s done.

“Internet is very restricted in North Korea. Kim can only afford to connect once a year for a few hours to play Solitaire in the global network. Probably that´s when it happened but the spying programme was a bit confused so it took sometime for it to find its wait through. A lot has happened since the ´90s” James Dickinson of CyberWatch told The Berlin Group immediately after EMUSS´press conference.

As soon as the news reached global leaders, President-Sultan Erdogan told the students he was talking to at the University of Sharia and Radicalisation in Istanbul that “This clarifies everything. I used to lose every year at this Solitaire competition to a user called SupremeLead01 and we used to bet beforehand. He would always ask for a PC running on Windows ´98 in case he wins but as soon as the game was over he appeared disconnected. I will send him one of my Macs and the iPhone I used to FaceTime during the coup. Allah is great and generous, even with non-believers, as long as they crack down on human rights” .

There was no tweet from President Trump at the time this article was edited but our sources at the Pentagon informed us that a military cargo shipping classified equipment was heading to the Korean peninsula. “It is, however, well known that the President is a big fan of Minesweeper” said our source.

 

 

 

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