Italy and Europe agree on budget: 400 jars of Nutella and 200kg of mozzarella

Rome, Italy,

After weeks of debates, negotiations and fierce exchanges, the Italian Government and the European Commission have finally reached a deal on Italy’s budget. Minutes after the meeting held in Rome with Italian PM Giuseppe Conte and European Bank chief Mario Draghi, Commission President Juncker held a press conference.

“To be fair, I think these budget negotiations have been harder than Brexit. That’s probably because my Italian friends here have some brains and can think for themselves. In any case, I’m happy we reached a deal. I think 400 jars of Nutella and 200 kg of mozzarella are a decent enough number for all parties. Mr. Conte understood that we cannot leave the European Bank without its Nutella and mozzarella reserves and consumption needs not be further encouraged.” said a smiling Jean-Claude Juncker chewing his pizza slice.

As far as Italian PM Conte was concerned, he welcomed the deal and said Italians can finally go on with their lives and plan how much Nutella and mozzarella will consume next year according to these numbers.

“I welcome stability. It was not easy but I think that the Italian people will decently live on 400 jars of Nutella and 200kg of mozzarella for next year” said Mr. Conte at the same press conference.

In a tweet immediately after the deal was sealed, Italian Ministry of Interior Affairs, Matteo Salvini, said that “the budget is really the minimum we could have accepted and allowing even one immigrant in our country will destroy the whole budgetary balance”.

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10 things about Steve Bannon moving to Hungary

  1. The Berlin Group got exclusive access to Steve Bannon’s future salary: it starts at 4 goulash and 6 paprikas in the first year and reaches 0 in the second year, when Bannon will do what he does best: get fired.
  2. Rumours have it that Steve is still keeping a photo with Donald Trump in his wallet.
  3. Bannon wanted to learn Hungarian but Orban told him they can talk in Russian.
  4. Initially, Bannon sought to advise Erdogan but Erdogan only takes advice from God.
  5. Demand for top floor apartments in the vicinity of Budapest’s House of Parliament, as well as demand for rifles have skyrocketed in Hungary since Bannon announced he’ll move in the country.
  6. Jobbik, the Hungarian far-right party, acknowledged they’re horrified at the prospect of Bannon advising Orban.
  7. A caravan of Hungarian citizens of Jewish and Roma origin has left the capital Budapest and is heading to Austria.
  8. On hearing the news, Jared Kushner had a chat with Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. It is reported that 15 Saudi tourists and a bone saw boarded a plane to Budapest.
  9. There will now be two operation modes for Viktor Orban: Orbannon and Orbannoff.
  10. Romania, Serbia, Austria, Slovakia, Croatia and Ukraine started to build a wall along their borders with Hungary.

Guy Verhofstadt kicks ALDE Romania head out of ALDE facebook group after bribe accusations

Brussels, Belgium

A shocking move in the early hours of Thursday as leader of EU Parliament ALDE  Group, Guy Verhofstadt, used his position as administrator of the ALDE Group facebook group to ruthlessly kick out ALDE Romania’s chief, Calin Popescu-Tariceanu. As Mr. Verhofstadt himself confessed at a lunch press conference, his decision came after Mr. Popescu-Tariceanu, who is also Head of Senate in Romania,  was accused of taking bribes by the Romanian Anti-Corruption Division (DNA).

“I don’t usually do this kind of things” began Mr. Verhofstadt “You know me. I’m the queen of facebook and twitter, I have the best speech-writer in Brussels and I just blabber nice things about democracy all day long. Actions? No, not for me. We’ve been keeping ALDE Romania in our group although we know they are corrupted to the core and want to destroy the rule of law in Romania. That’s OK. But taking $800,000 bribes and not sharing it with your European family is something I cannot tolerate, especially not in my capacity as administrator of ALDE Group facebook group. People expected me to take action and I did. As of today 8:00am CET, Mr. Popescu-Tariceanu is no longer a member of our facebook group. I blocked him!” shouted ALDE Group leader, visibly upset.

Mr. Popescu-Tariceanu denied accusations by DNA and said he did not know who Guy Verhofstadt is.

“I vehemently deny these charges. I don’t know where DNA took those numbers from but I only accepted a $600,000 bribe. And no, I didn’t check my facebook, I only post once in a while. Who is Guy Verhofstadt?” asked a curious Tariceanu.

Sources for the Berlin Group said that in order to start a criminal case against Mr. Tariceanu DNA needs to win a vote from Senators to lift immunity. In a Parliament governed by corrupt leaders, this is very unlikely. We will be back with updates.

Elections make Inglorious Basterds the most popular documentary in Brazil

Brasilia, Brazil

Following last Sunday’s elections win by fascist candidate Jair Bolsonaro, Brazilians were quick to show how the population felt about the results. Inglorious Basterds, a invaluable piece by Quentin Tarantino, became #1 documentary in the country in just a matter of hours. The Berlin Group was following events live from Brazil and so we succeeded in gathering hands-on reports on the ground.

“Of course I was sad and disappointed to see that we as a nation are as stupid as the British, Hungarians or the Americans. But we have something these nations don’t: cojones! Bolsonaro promises easier access to guns no? Well that’s great. I googled “do it yourself how to get rid of fascists, guns” and the first result was this documentary. A splendid work really, I felt so inspired I made my family watch it 5 times. They’re as crazy about it as I am” said Fernando Curacao from Rio de Janeiro.

Although almost 10 years old now, Inglorious Basterds is only now recording an upsurge in popularity in the Amazonian country. Its truly inspirational message – “Kill the Nazis!” – rings a chord not only with the male population but also with many Brazilian women.

“Once I saw this movie I was sold. This is what we need to do, I told myself. We need to kill them Nazis and show them Brazil will not stand up to oppression! I bought myself the essential Inglorious Basterds kit: a baseball bat, some knives, and a Beginners Italian audio course. I’m ready!” said Gisele do Sul from Sao Paolo.

There are reports that Brazilians are not the only fans of Inglorious Basterds. The Berlin Group received reports from credible sources claiming solidarity anti-fascist guerrilla factions are flooding the country from neighbouring Latin American countries too. We will be back with updates.

Emanuel Macron will quit French Presidency and become Trade Minister in Saudi Arabia

Paris, France

In a shock press conference at the Elysee Palace in Paris, France, Emmanuel Macron announced a move that was not expected by anyone but which explains his recent declarations. Facing dozens of French and foreign journalists, Mr. Macron said he will step down as President of the Republic and become Saudi Arabia’s Trade Minister.

“Let us be honest. I have done nothing as President, save from nice speeches now and then. I’m not one to stay without results. My decision also comes from the fact that many European leaders and indeed French citizens, asked me to halt French weapons trade with the Saudis. I found that ridiculous, human rights and trade do not go hand in hand, I even wrote that in my masters thesis. So, you see, I cannot adhere to my personal principles if I ban weapons trade with the Saudis. If trade does not come to you, you go to trade, that’s what I think. And last but not least, the Saudis will pay me ten times more than I earn here, but that’s just details” said a smiling Macron.

Macron also lamented at how people overlooked his recent sanctions on Saudi Arabia, which consisted of selling more weapons to the Saudis. He further complained about US President Trump imposing bone saw trade restrictions to the Saudis.

“What Saudi Arabia needs is to modernise. Modernise its military industry, modernise its assassination techniques, modernise its cover-ups. People need to understand this and I think MBS (ed. Mohammed bin Salman, crown prince) is on the same page here” concluded Macron while climbing into the gold-plated Saudi helicopter that flew him from the Elysee Palace to Riyadh.

Trump administration to impose bone saw export taxes to Saudi Arabia in retaliation for murdered journalist

Washington, D.C.

Only hours after Erdogan told the Turkish Parliament that Saudi Arabia premeditated Khashoggi’s murder, US President Donald Trump vouched retaliation for the “worst cover-up murder” of the Saudis. In a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump announced he will impose sanctions like no country has ever seen and promised that Saudis will feel the full force of US punishment.

“This is terrible, what they did is totally unacceptable and the US will not take more of this. This is bad. Really bad. Worst! So as of today, we’re imposing a 25% tax on bone saw exports. It will hit Saudi Arabia where it hurts them most: procurement of the centrepiece of their journalist assassination kit. Worst sanctions ever. They’ll come crawling back to us begging to lift those sanctions, I promise that.” said a visibly upset President Trump before taking questions from the journalists.

Answering the question of the Berlin Group correspondent on whether US is considering a weapon sales ban similar to that of Germany, Trump said there was no need for that.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe they did it, maybe they didn’t do it. Could they have done it? Yes. Did they do it? Yes. Did they know about it? We don’t know. Banning weapons sales would be bad for America, bad for the American people. We don’t want that. We just want Saudi Arabia to stop murdering journalists with bone saws” concluded  Trump.

US is the latest country to join an international wave on sanctions on the Saudis. Germany announced it will ban weapons sales, while France, the UK and Belgium sanctioned Saudi Arabia by selling them double the amounts of weapons they sell now.

France, UK and Belgium impose sanctions on Saudi Arabia by selling them more weapons

Brussels, Belgium

Visibly upset by the incompetence and the amateurish way in which the Saudi secret services butchered a journalists, leading EU nations showed once again global leadership. In a joint statement in Brussels, France, Belgium and the UK pledged to impose sanctions on the Gulf State by doubling their sales of weapons to the Saudis. To top it up, the leading EU nations also vouched to train the Saudi military in the latest assassination techniques.

“We are here not because we want it but because we’re needed. European leadership is needed and France is here to work for European interests. Even if, disappointingly, Germany decided to impose a ban on the sale of their weapons to Saudi Arabia, us, Belgium and the UK promise to do the right thing. The right thing, of course, is to double ours sales in the military sector to Saudi Arabia with the latest technologies available. I’m convinced this is the right thing to do and France will not shy away from doing the right thing!” said French President Emanuel Macron in the applauses of enthusiastic youth present in the Belgian Capital.

“What we want is a good deal for Saudi Arabia. It is obvious that their truly barbaric murder of Mr. Khashoggi stems from their outdated military equipment and poorly trained armed forces. In the UK, we would have made sure not only that a journalist’s murder would be fast, bloodless and painless but also that no one will ever miss that person or know that person existed in the first place. That’s what makes the UK such a great nation. We therefore stand next to France in this endeavour and we will provide all the assistance needed to our Saudi partners. We’re even willing to also double our weapons sales, we’re that committed!” said British Prime Minister Theresa May in the applauses of no one.

Charles Michel, the Prime Minister of Belgium, was very clear in the intensions of his country:

“Belgium is standing up to Germany’s ridiculous move and joining sanctions imposed by France and the UK. We live in the 21st century, a journalist cannot be butchered, he must be killed discreetly and with some human consideration. Of course we are upset but we, Belgians, are not making troubles. We are providing solutions! Sales of our highest tech weapons will therefore double for Saudi Arabia and they also need to accept training of their army. For God’s sake, we have important issues to worry about in Europe, like trade, jobs, indefinite growth and kicking migrants out. Having to take a stance and follow-up on some journalist murder is not something we want to be bothered with. All we want to do is to make sure next time the Saudis kill someone, they will leave no trace.”

Mohammed bin Salman exclusively commented for the Berlin Group that he was not pleased with the European sanctions. However, he stressed that his modernisation reform is his top priority and that cannot be done without the help of his European partners, thus he already signed a fat check for 20 new weapon deals.

After Macedonia changed its name, 10 other countries followed suit

Skopje, Republic of North Macedonia

The Macedonian Parliament voted on Friday to pass a resolution that changes the country’s name, from the awkwardly long “Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia” to a more viking-sounding one: Republic of North Macedonia. This is expected to solve the decades old dispute with Greece and allow the small Balkan country to keep its EU membership dreams alive. Realising that it is so easy to change a country’s name, 10 other countries followed suit, in a quest to make their own nations more attractive.

  1. The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland will change its name to The United Kingdom of Incompetence
  2. The Russian Federation will change its name to The Federation of Ex-Soviet States and the North Pole
  3. Hungary (Magyarorszag) just voted to change its name to NemSorosOrszag
  4. Turkey will now be called The Islamic Republic of  the North Saudi Ghetto
  5. Venezuela is as of today the Poor People’s Republic of No Food
  6. Moldova changed its name to East Romania, which is their only hope to enter the European Union
  7. The European Union is now The Union of Europe, Poland* and Hungary*
  8. Sweden changed its name to IKEA Republic
  9. Syria is the Islamic State of Boom-Boom
  10. The United States of America is the Twitter Federation

*Subject to change

The rhinoceros Viktor Orban adopted managed to escape and was granted asylum in Budapest’s Ecuadorian Embassy

Budapest, Hungary

Only hours after Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orban boosted on social media that he got himself a brand new rhinoceros, the visibly distressed animal managed to escape Orban’s shed and run free through the streets of Budapest, the Hungarian capital. The Ecuadorian Ambassador was quick to spot the animal while eating a dinner gulash with her husband in downtown Budapest. She immediately called home and suggested Ecuador offers asylum to the rhinoceros. The Ecuadorian President was quick to say yes, willing to keep the reputation of his country as one that offers shelter to those in need, unless they have a cat.

“I was eating some gulash, minosegi dish, they cook great stuff at this place close to St. Istvan Basilica you know, although customer service is rubbish. Anyway, I see this rhinoceros and from the terrified look on his face I know in an instant that he’s been around Orban. You can tell, you know, that man stinks both physically and morally. Of course we had to provide asylum as soon as possible, exotic animals are the last ones with some hope in this country” said Maria del Carmen Gonzalez Cabal, Ecuadorian Ambassador in Hungary.

The rhinoceros was immediately taken to the Ecuadorian Embassy for a medical test and hoofprinting. The veterinary on guard told the Berlin Group that the animal suffered from severe post-traumatic stress disorder, cause by being in contact with illiberalism, fascism and a highly toxic air composition. The toxicity has already proven to come from e-coli and other faeces bacteria, produced when Viktor Orban is talking.

Contacted by the Berlin Group, Viktor Orban was in a visible state of accentuated anger. He shouted in Hungarian for 10 full minutes. The only things we were able to understand were “Stop Soros”, “geci” and “fasz”. We will be back with updates, if any.

 

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