Brexit postponed to 2056: Theresa May is waiting for a competent British leader to take UK out of the EU

Brussels, Belgium

In an expected turn of events, Theresa May and the EU leaders agreed on Thursday that the Brexit transition period should be extended. Following the press conference, both parties seemed to be in a merry mood, as they were relieved that an ordeal finished.

“It is probably the first time we’ve been honest in our talks” said Theresa May in front of the journalists, after taking the mic with a little dance on ABBA’s Dancing Queen. “I was very frank with Jean-Claude (ed. Jean-Claude Juncker, Commission President) and all the other 27 EU leaders. There is no one, I repeat, no one in the UK at the moment who is competent enough to strike a decent deal on at least one Brexit chapter. Best we can do is sit on our arses and wait for a good Brexit deal to fall out of the skies. Because that’s what we want, a good Brexit deal for the British people. But that hasn’t happened yet so I suggested we wait and see if Britain will get a political leadership with some common sense, or even a competent leader – we can always hope no? – in the next 3 decades”

EU leaders were visibly pleased by May’s suggestion.

“Thank God we’re finally on the same page. Now we can focus on things that matter, like immigration, raise of the right-wing or the Italians making a mess of their budget” said a tipsy Juncker at the same press conference.

Michel Barnier, EU’s negotiator for Brexit, also saluted the result of the summit.

“This is by far the greatest achievement of the Brexit talks. It has been painful to interact with the British negotiators and the Torries, their incompetence gave me migraines. Now I can finally relax and maybe my grandchildren can find someone with a bit of brain in Britain in half a century or so” said Mr. Barnier according to our Berlin Group sources.

The Berlin Group contact Boris Johnson for a statement but up to this point our translators from blablerrish to English are still working to decipher his 10 seconds response.

 

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Study finds metal smuggling contributes to achieving recycling targets and boosting a circular economy

Wetwank, Yorkshire

A study by British scientists at the University of Heavy and Rare Metals (UHRM) in Wetwank, Yorkshire, found that countries are more likely to reach their recycling targets if they are more lenient towards metal smugglers. The study looked at 23 countries within and outside the European Union (EU) and in all but two cases, their hypothesis was validated by data on the ground. The exceptions were Romania and Turkey. In Romania, it was found that people from the roma community were more efficient than smugglers to informally implement national recycling strategies. In Turkey, it was found that all smuggled metals – in particular gold – were confiscated by Erdogan to strengthen a falling Turkish Lira and so did not count in official statistics.

“Our study sends a strong signal to countries that have national recycling targets or are obliged to implement the Circular Economy Package of the EU. It is more so for countries that are struggling to reach those targets. Letting smugglers to deal with recycling is a win-win strategy. It flourishes local black economy and makes criminals richer. This increases tax revenue and decreases unemployment by means of human trafficking. At the same time, it looks good in national statistics so politicians can brag about it and boost their ratings”, said Olof Smuglesson, project leader.

Sources of The Berlin Group claim that police force in most of the case study countries welcomed the results. In Iceland, police said they can finally focus on things that matter, such as punishing mentally impaired tourists doing off-road driving. In Norway, police welcomed the chance of shifting efforts from smuggling prevention to confiscating Finnish reindeers  illegally crossing into the country. Governments seem to have also received the study well, apart from the US, where President Donald Trump tweeted he will impose a 25% import tax for metal smugglers.

 

Merkel is back in the game: Germans support immigration after United Africa wins World Cup in Russia

Berlin, Germany

The victory of United Africa on Sunday in the World Cup final over Croatia brought a change of heart for the German people. With their football team shamefully leaving the competition in the group stage, Germans have watched in bewilderment how a group of skilled and talented young Africans brought victory to their western neighbour.

“Why, I would have never…you see, we are too strict on immigration. The French did a great job letting in so many immigrants. I think Frau Merkel was right to begin with” said Schmetterling  Seehofer, conservative and AfD supporter from Bavaria.

Monday morning could not have started better for Angela Merkel, as her approval ratings soared back to 70% . In a televised press conference, Ms. Merkel encouraged the xenophobic countries of Poland, Slovakia, the Czech Republic and especially Hungary to think twice when it comes to accepting the proposed EU refugee quota.

“It is enough to look at the performance of your football teams to see that your immigration strategy is detrimental to your national interest and you will never manage to qualify further than the group stages. Viktor (Orban) you know exactly what I’m talking about” said Ms. Merkel.

Sources for the Berlin Group revealed that England also attributed its failure in the World Cup to the higher than normal white men ratio in their team. Meanwhile, Croatian coach Zlatko Dalic said his team is already made up of refugees from the Serbian war but acknowledged that “at least one African man” would have won them the match.

 

EU finds solution to overgrazing, soil erosion and continental security. All sheep to be fed with Russian soldiers by 2020

ANTARCTICA 2050 (1)Brussels, Belgium

The EU was quick to act following the sinking of a Russian spy vessel in the Black Sea by a Togolese cargo ship carrying Romanian sheep. Commission President Jean-Claude Juncker announced that a solution has finally been reached regarding the critical state of soils in Europe due to overgrazing and erosion – all European sheep will now feed on Russian soldiers instead of grass. As a side effect, continental security will also be ensured.

“I was talking to Federica Mogherini about renewing sanctions against Russia following the annexation of Crimea and I have to say we were not seeing eye to eye on how to move forward. But that´s when Karmenu Vella from DG Environment called me. He said <<Jean-Claude, you need to see this, tune in Russia Today!>>. So there we were: me, Federica and Karmenu, watching a live coverage of a Russian intelligence vessel sunk by sheep. That´s when it struck us!” said Juncker during a talk at the University of Leuven.

While representatives of the European Sheep Association (ESA) proudly welcomed the initiative, the Consumers, Health, Agriculture and Food Executive Agency (CHAFEA) expressed deep concerns regarding the Commission´s plans.

“We are very worried by this new initiative that Mr. Juncker is proposing. There are obvious concerns for our sheep´s health. 98% of the scientific community in Europe pointed out that eating Russian soldiers might cause abusive behaviour, lowering of the IQ and alcoholism” said CHAFEA´s director, Veronique Wasbauer.

Commission´s proposal, coded TOGO8800RO/04/2017 is to be consulted by the European Council and the European Parliament in an extraordinary session on the 4th of May.

 

 

Leadership in resource efficiency comes from Eastern Europe: Pro-Russian elections signal return to zero-consumption Soviet lifestyle

Green MEPs, right-wing parties and environmental NGOs had a lot to celebrate in the weekend as pro-Russian presidential candidates were voted in Moldova and Bulgaria. This comes only a few days after Donal Trump, a good old friend of Mr. Putin, was elected President in the US, triggering what is seen as momentum of increasing Russian influence in Europe.

“We drank organic wines from Argentina and smoked fair-trade weed from Botswana all Sunday night with Le Pen, Orban and other right-wing friends. It was commonly agreed that Monday the 14th is from now on a bank holiday dedicated to the return of Soviet rule and zero-resource consumption in Eastern Europe. EU can finally achieve its decarbonisation and climate change commitments” said Martin Schultz, President of the European Parliament.

Citizens of Bulgaria, Moldova, Hungary and other pro-Russian countries are expected to switch to the Sustainable Soviet Wellbeing Consumption-zone (SSSWC) next week, a move that has met with tremendous popular support. One of the ardent supporters was Ms. Janna Milosevica, a 70+ year old pensioner from Sofia:

Japan Earthquake

“Good old times are here. We will only have 2h of electricity a day, one car for each thousand people, we will eat almost no meat because there will be none in the supermarkets and we will only have 2 sets of clothes, which we are of course supposed to pass to future generation”

Billionaire George Soros was – completely unexpected – another vocal supporter of a transition to SSSWC. In a press conference at the newly opened campus for Soviet studies at the Central European University in Budapest, Mr. Soros confessed:

“I´ve had enough of speculating on the neoliberal markets. The capitalist/consumerist system is so predictable that I got awfully bored. I need new challenges so SSSWC came at the right time – I will from now on smuggle capitalist goods in SSSWC countries and make outrageous profits. I also borrowed Putin some money to fund his pro-Russian candidates so I expect to have preference on the newly-formed controlled markets from the East.”

No Climate Change Action Plan at COP22 for Germany as the country aims to become world´s #1 polluter

The world was in shock on Tuesday when Donald J. Trump was elected Obama´s successor at the White House, but the Germans were quick to react.

“With Obama in the office, we wanted to prove we´re the best by being the first to achieve the goals set in the Paris Agreement. Now that Mr. Trump won, we had to rethink our strategy. We will become world´s number one polluter” said Vice-Chancellor Sigmar Gabriel in an interview for The Berlin Group.

Even Barbara Hendricks, Germany´s Ministry of Environment, was on board. Speaking at a press conference before heading to the COP22 in Marrakech, she confessed her ministry did not even bother coming up with a Climate Change Action Plan.

berlin-2016-2

“We wanted to show leadership at this COP. We had to get outside our silos and not having a climate change action plan was just the logical step. Global leaders in Marrakech need to have it clear that Germany will commit to take over China and the US as world´s biggest polluter by 2050.”

The move is set to not only reconfirm that Germans are at the forefront of promoting sustainable development worldwide. It will also help chancellor Angela Merkel, whose policies have so far not made her very popular. Estimations show that relocating production for the domestic market from China to Germany will allow the country to reach 0% unemployment and exponential growth indefinitely. Minor effects will include a 99% loss of biodiversity, critical pollution of all water sources, collapse of the agricultural sector and smogs in town and village with a population over 10 inhabitants. However, Germans are not worried.

“Those are just numbers, they don´t tell anything. Besides, once we´re done with completely destroying our environment, we can simply invade France again”, said Mr. Mannheim Schnitzel, entrepreneur from Stuttgart.

On the other hand, President elect Donald J. Trump did not seem worried by Germany´s plans and was heard asking Mike Pence: “Germany? Isn´t that a village in Britain?”.

Austrian Presidency of EU Council achieves its goal: EU adopts “total meat consumption” roadmap to 2030

Following general consensus in the European scientific community with regard to the harmful effects of vegetables and fruits based diets  on human health and the indisputable benefits of a 100% meat diet (see summarising video below), the Austrian presidency of the European Council has as of today signed the flagship EU Roadmap to Total Meat Consumption by 2030 (TMC2030). 

Acknowledging the weaknesses in the food supply system, EU realises that a total phase out of fruits and vegetables can only be achieved gradually: first, by 2022, fruit products will be phased out and finally, by 2030, selling of vegetables and fruits will be prohibited from supermarkets, farmers markets and all other kinds of markets.

Farmers in the animal rearing sector were delighted with the results:

“I am relieved that finally the high-level EU politicians also realised that our future can only be one with a clear commitment to the meat producing sector and to heavy meat consumption lifestyles. This will not only ensure a healthy diet for our children and grandchildren, but also the conservation of the special taste of different meat products that Europe is known for, like Salami, Kebap, or Hamburger (from Hamburg). This is what sustainable development for future generations means.”, Mr. Mustafa, German farmer from GDR declared for RTL 2.

Last but not least, a strengthened focus on meat production also opens opportunities for exports to the global market. While on his diplomatic visit to South Sudan, Commission President Mr. Juncker hailed the initiative:

“Overwhelming research shows that the demand for meat and other animals products will increase indefinitely in regions of Asia, the Middle East and also all the other parts of the world. Therefore, it is imperative for the EU to take leadership in exporting high quality meat products to an increasing number of people in need. Call this a humanitarian cause if you will.”

Despite spending more than 10 billion euros in lobbying last year alone, the MEPs supporting the European Association of Vegetarians, Vegans and Raw Vegans were severely defeated by the indisputable piece of scientific research and lost the European Parliament vote on TMC2030 by 500 to 6.

Speaking at a press conference in Brussels, the Austrian President of the Council, Mr(s) C. Wurst, made a strong statement in support of this new piece of Community legislation:

“In the end, it´s just tasty!”

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