No mass protests today in Bucharest prompts Romanian government to send riot police in Turkey to beat anti-Erdogan protesters

Bucharest, Romania

Working in the Romanian riot police force is not an easy job. Riot policemen (called “jandarmi”) had a very busy weekend in Bucharest, where they had to beat hundreds of women, children, pensioners, students, journalists and people in wheelchair protesting against the corrupt and incompetent ruling coalition. Few of the policemen were also injured, but mostly by their own colleagues, who were too high on steroids to distinguish between protesters and police force. Speaking in a press conference after the events, the riot police commander hailed the excellent work done by his subordinates:

“It’s been a productive day. My colleagues have done an excellent job today and as you can see, the number of injured protesters grows by the hour. I would call it a real success, although killing one or two protesters might have sent an even stronger message. We look forward to further confrontations, I mean we got all this new nice equipment from the Ministry of Interior Affairs, we have to use it, right?” said Gheorghe Multa-Muica Cucos, police riot commander at a press conference on Saturday.

But with no mass protests planned for Monday, the Government had to change plans and send the riot police troops to Ankara and Istanbul, to help one of its key allies and idols, Mr. Erdogan. In a brief press conference on Monday morning, puppet Prime-Minister of Romania, Viorica Dancila, laid down next plans for the anti riot force:

“Mr. Liviu Dragnea told me to tell you this [reading from piece of paper]: We stand besides Mr. Erdogan, a symbol of authoritarianism and despotism in the region. Romania might not be there yet but we are learning and our Government is making sustained efforts to crack down on democracy and the rule of law”

Liviu Dragnea is the convicted leader of the Social Democrat Party and chief of the Deputy Chamber. It is believed he was the one ordering the new approach of the riot police, based on research he did on Brazil and Nicaragua. Meanwhile, Mr. Erdogan of Turkey has expressed gratitude to the Romanian Government. He suggested that before the riot police heads to his country, policemen should confiscate and plunder any euro, dollar or gold they find in their way, to help Turkish economy recover.

 

 

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Selmayr proposes EU Fidget Spinner War Strategy after Commission Capture *EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW*

Brussels, Belgium

After EU parliamentarians were left baffled last week with consternation and uproar because of the coup d’etat of Juncker’s childhood friend Selmayr, the tension in the control room of the EU raised further after rumours that his first policy proposal entails including fidget spinners in the ongoing update of the EU-UN War Innovation Strategy.

Taking advantage of the climate of suspicion towards mainstream media among high-level politicians and – simply – the pressing lack of journalists, The Berlin Group could convince Selmayr for an exclusive interview on the matter.

Mr Selmayr, to start with, how did you come up with this idea?

Actually, I played around already a long time with this idea. It came up to my mind again after reading with pleasure that Season 2 of Westworld is to be shot in Syria [a story previously covered by the Berlin Group – Ed.]. I thought it would be a nice first policy proposal to ease the MPs in the European Parliament, who seem to be seriously concerned about the matter.

Ok. *cough*. Concerned about the matter? 

Of course! If there is one thing bringing in money, that’s weapons. France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, …. and many other Member States need this war to get the economy going! Fidget Spinners will be a cost-efficient innovation for the industry, to stay ahead of the Israeli weapon research. By the way, another good example is our new Fidget Big Data Gathering (FBDG) project that we are currently testing in a pilot on migrants arriving in the EU. Only paying Erdogan some money will not be enough anyway to deal with them.

And what about the UK? Does Brexit impact the EU Policy on this matter?

Ah, the British! After all this, we will learn them how to deal with miliatary innovation. They still seem to be thinking they are the center of the world, but the contrary is true! Until now they only seem to be concerned how to regulate advertisements in the subway.

To close this interview, why did you choose this subject for your first policy proposal? Aren’t there other pressing issues to be dealt with, such as climate change?

Climate change? There was a guy in the Commission, Jos Delbeke [until recently DG Climate in the Commission – Ed.] who didn’t stop annoying me with this hoax, therefore I decided with Bro Juncker to get him out. Who will earn money with this anyway? We better spend money on other stuff. So we’ll replace him with an old Italian friend from Juncker who knows how tu run a business [previously DG for Commerce and Free Trade Agreements – Ed.], but we could have also have replaced him with somebody from TV. In the end, we pay better than the average news agency, and at least they know how to communicate!

Thank you Mr Selmayr for this enlightening interview.

In the wake of these events, the IPCC does not seem bothered and continues the work on their next report on the impact of 1.5 °C warming. As pointed out by Röckstrom, they should reach out more. To the Berlin Group for example. Or our partner What The Fuck Just Happened Today.

Stay tuned!

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