10 things about Steve Bannon moving to Hungary

  1. The Berlin Group got exclusive access to Steve Bannon’s future salary: it starts at 4 goulash and 6 paprikas in the first year and reaches 0 in the second year, when Bannon will do what he does best: get fired.
  2. Rumours have it that Steve is still keeping a photo with Donald Trump in his wallet.
  3. Bannon wanted to learn Hungarian but Orban told him they can talk in Russian.
  4. Initially, Bannon sought to advise Erdogan but Erdogan only takes advice from God.
  5. Demand for top floor apartments in the vicinity of Budapest’s House of Parliament, as well as demand for rifles have skyrocketed in Hungary since Bannon announced he’ll move in the country.
  6. Jobbik, the Hungarian far-right party, acknowledged they’re horrified at the prospect of Bannon advising Orban.
  7. A caravan of Hungarian citizens of Jewish and Roma origin has left the capital Budapest and is heading to Austria.
  8. On hearing the news, Jared Kushner had a chat with Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. It is reported that 15 Saudi tourists and a bone saw boarded a plane to Budapest.
  9. There will now be two operation modes for Viktor Orban: Orbannon and Orbannoff.
  10. Romania, Serbia, Austria, Slovakia, Croatia and Ukraine started to build a wall along their borders with Hungary.
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Ryanair follows ScotRail model and will now flush human waste out of planes during flight

Edinburgh, Scotland

An exciting upgrade partnership was concluded today between ScotRail and budget air carrier Ryanair. After ScotRail announced their ambitious train carriage modernisation plans, which include flushing human waste on tracks from its moving trains, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary was quick to follow suit.

“Aye, the only reason why I’m a bit upset about all this thing is that I didn’t think about it meself! What ScotRail is doing is revolutionary. Doing it from planes takes it to a totally different level. I found four reasons why this is probably the best measure Ryanair has come up with in recent decades. First, it provides much needed nutritious human waste to the world’s oceans and farmland, so it’s circularity you see. Second, it makes people aware of the impact aviation has on Earth. Third, it gives a premium experience to our customers, who can now literally sh*t on others. Fourth, it’s cheap, actually free!” said an over enthusiast O’Leary in front of journalists and ScotRail senior representatives.

On their part, ScotRail said they were pleased others in the transport sector are following their modernisation plan.

“It only proves how well we’ve done, no? There were some protests about it, but it’s always like this when it comes to revolutionary ideas. Throwing human waste from ScotRail trains directly on to railways will benefit communities along the railway track! They will now be able to collect the waste and put it on their farmland and grow potatoes!” said Alex Hynes, managing director at ScotRail.

However, sources for the Berlin Group told our journalists that the event brought some tensions. In particular, railway operators from Hungary (MAV) and Romania (CFR) complained that flushing human waste directly on tracks was first patented by them and so they will sue ScotRail for stealing intellectual property.

Trump administration to impose bone saw export taxes to Saudi Arabia in retaliation for murdered journalist

Washington, D.C.

Only hours after Erdogan told the Turkish Parliament that Saudi Arabia premeditated Khashoggi’s murder, US President Donald Trump vouched retaliation for the “worst cover-up murder” of the Saudis. In a press conference on the Capitol Hill, Trump announced he will impose sanctions like no country has ever seen and promised that Saudis will feel the full force of US punishment.

“This is terrible, what they did is totally unacceptable and the US will not take more of this. This is bad. Really bad. Worst! So as of today, we’re imposing a 25% tax on bone saw exports. It will hit Saudi Arabia where it hurts them most: procurement of the centrepiece of their journalist assassination kit. Worst sanctions ever. They’ll come crawling back to us begging to lift those sanctions, I promise that.” said a visibly upset President Trump before taking questions from the journalists.

Answering the question of the Berlin Group correspondent on whether US is considering a weapon sales ban similar to that of Germany, Trump said there was no need for that.

“Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe they did it, maybe they didn’t do it. Could they have done it? Yes. Did they do it? Yes. Did they know about it? We don’t know. Banning weapons sales would be bad for America, bad for the American people. We don’t want that. We just want Saudi Arabia to stop murdering journalists with bone saws” concluded  Trump.

US is the latest country to join an international wave on sanctions on the Saudis. Germany announced it will ban weapons sales, while France, the UK and Belgium sanctioned Saudi Arabia by selling them double the amounts of weapons they sell now.

France, UK and Belgium impose sanctions on Saudi Arabia by selling them more weapons

Brussels, Belgium

Visibly upset by the incompetence and the amateurish way in which the Saudi secret services butchered a journalists, leading EU nations showed once again global leadership. In a joint statement in Brussels, France, Belgium and the UK pledged to impose sanctions on the Gulf State by doubling their sales of weapons to the Saudis. To top it up, the leading EU nations also vouched to train the Saudi military in the latest assassination techniques.

“We are here not because we want it but because we’re needed. European leadership is needed and France is here to work for European interests. Even if, disappointingly, Germany decided to impose a ban on the sale of their weapons to Saudi Arabia, us, Belgium and the UK promise to do the right thing. The right thing, of course, is to double ours sales in the military sector to Saudi Arabia with the latest technologies available. I’m convinced this is the right thing to do and France will not shy away from doing the right thing!” said French President Emanuel Macron in the applauses of enthusiastic youth present in the Belgian Capital.

“What we want is a good deal for Saudi Arabia. It is obvious that their truly barbaric murder of Mr. Khashoggi stems from their outdated military equipment and poorly trained armed forces. In the UK, we would have made sure not only that a journalist’s murder would be fast, bloodless and painless but also that no one will ever miss that person or know that person existed in the first place. That’s what makes the UK such a great nation. We therefore stand next to France in this endeavour and we will provide all the assistance needed to our Saudi partners. We’re even willing to also double our weapons sales, we’re that committed!” said British Prime Minister Theresa May in the applauses of no one.

Charles Michel, the Prime Minister of Belgium, was very clear in the intensions of his country:

“Belgium is standing up to Germany’s ridiculous move and joining sanctions imposed by France and the UK. We live in the 21st century, a journalist cannot be butchered, he must be killed discreetly and with some human consideration. Of course we are upset but we, Belgians, are not making troubles. We are providing solutions! Sales of our highest tech weapons will therefore double for Saudi Arabia and they also need to accept training of their army. For God’s sake, we have important issues to worry about in Europe, like trade, jobs, indefinite growth and kicking migrants out. Having to take a stance and follow-up on some journalist murder is not something we want to be bothered with. All we want to do is to make sure next time the Saudis kill someone, they will leave no trace.”

Mohammed bin Salman exclusively commented for the Berlin Group that he was not pleased with the European sanctions. However, he stressed that his modernisation reform is his top priority and that cannot be done without the help of his European partners, thus he already signed a fat check for 20 new weapon deals.

Ryanair voted world’s best airline by UKIP

London, UK

Surprising turn of events on Sunday in the British capital, where UKIP held its prestigious “World’s best airline” annual event in a white, English neighbourhood. Although most experts and indeed UKIP members and sympathisers initially thought this year’s award will be an easy win by United Airlines, Ryanair’s latest racist episode changed everything.

“It was just splendid and we had to reward Ryanair for being so supporting racism so blatantly. Of course with its openly violent and racist business model United has been topping the carts in the last years. But, hey, just as with democracy in Europe, everyone gets their godfather sooner or later!” former UKIP leader Nigel Farage jubilated on the stage.

But racism was not the only strength for Ryanair. The company is famous for basically stealing their customer’s money by means of ridiculous taxes and a terrible service. This was also highly appreciated by UKIP. Boris Johnson, a honorary guest at the award event this year, put it in terms that the UKIP audience could understand:

“Ryaniar is just b-brilliant, I mean they f*ck the poor big time, which is what we like to see, innit? Especially the Ro-romanians, B-Bulgarians and other untouchable immigrants who come here to take our jobs and rape our women. We’ve learnt so much from their business model.”

Donald Trump also tweeted in support of Ryanair, praising its CEO Michael O’Leary for standing his ground and dismissing the of climate change is real, which is just fake news to support the secret agenda of Hillary Clinton & Co.

Ryanair said they were pleased to have won this year and promised to include a reminder of their victory to each and every of their stupid landing songs. Meanwhile, United Airlines released a statement exclusively for the Berlin Group, in which they showed their disappointment for not having won this year, vouching to stage a good comeback in 2019.

Saudi prince denies knowing journalist fate: “I don’t know if the men I sent hanged, shot or stoned him”

Riyadh, Saudi Arabia

Prince Mohammed Bin Salam of Saudi Arabia finally broke the silence on Tuesday and declared his innocence. During a press conference held in the Saudi capital with journalists participating via Skype from safe, un-named countries, MBS  answered questions related to the killing of Jamal Khashoggi.

“I cannot properly answer your question because I simply do not have the complete answer. I sent some men to take care of him but I have no clue about how they killed him. I don’t know if the men I sent hanged, shot or stoned him. They might have tortured him to death for all I know. It would also be impossible for me to find out – already asked my secret services to kill the killers so as to not leave any traces behind” said MBS in response to a question from the Berlin Group, while writing down the name of our correspondent in the Middle East.

MBS also blamed Erdogan for the current international scandal regarding the assassination of the Saudi journalist.

“This is all Erdogan’s fault. He told me he would reintroduce capital punishment. Had he done that we wouldn’t be talking about such irrelevant topics here, today. But well, what can you expect from an old rusty incompetent guy like him. He’s too afraid he’ll lose EU money if he does it. We’ll see what he does when I switch off the oil taps” concluded MBS angrily, returning to his room and resuming “World of Warcraft”.

No mass protests today in Bucharest prompts Romanian government to send riot police in Turkey to beat anti-Erdogan protesters

Bucharest, Romania

Working in the Romanian riot police force is not an easy job. Riot policemen (called “jandarmi”) had a very busy weekend in Bucharest, where they had to beat hundreds of women, children, pensioners, students, journalists and people in wheelchair protesting against the corrupt and incompetent ruling coalition. Few of the policemen were also injured, but mostly by their own colleagues, who were too high on steroids to distinguish between protesters and police force. Speaking in a press conference after the events, the riot police commander hailed the excellent work done by his subordinates:

“It’s been a productive day. My colleagues have done an excellent job today and as you can see, the number of injured protesters grows by the hour. I would call it a real success, although killing one or two protesters might have sent an even stronger message. We look forward to further confrontations, I mean we got all this new nice equipment from the Ministry of Interior Affairs, we have to use it, right?” said Gheorghe Multa-Muica Cucos, police riot commander at a press conference on Saturday.

But with no mass protests planned for Monday, the Government had to change plans and send the riot police troops to Ankara and Istanbul, to help one of its key allies and idols, Mr. Erdogan. In a brief press conference on Monday morning, puppet Prime-Minister of Romania, Viorica Dancila, laid down next plans for the anti riot force:

“Mr. Liviu Dragnea told me to tell you this [reading from piece of paper]: We stand besides Mr. Erdogan, a symbol of authoritarianism and despotism in the region. Romania might not be there yet but we are learning and our Government is making sustained efforts to crack down on democracy and the rule of law”

Liviu Dragnea is the convicted leader of the Social Democrat Party and chief of the Deputy Chamber. It is believed he was the one ordering the new approach of the riot police, based on research he did on Brazil and Nicaragua. Meanwhile, Mr. Erdogan of Turkey has expressed gratitude to the Romanian Government. He suggested that before the riot police heads to his country, policemen should confiscate and plunder any euro, dollar or gold they find in their way, to help Turkish economy recover.

 

 

Selmayr proposes EU Fidget Spinner War Strategy after Commission Capture *EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW*

Brussels, Belgium

After EU parliamentarians were left baffled last week with consternation and uproar because of the coup d’etat of Juncker’s childhood friend Selmayr, the tension in the control room of the EU raised further after rumours that his first policy proposal entails including fidget spinners in the ongoing update of the EU-UN War Innovation Strategy.

Taking advantage of the climate of suspicion towards mainstream media among high-level politicians and – simply – the pressing lack of journalists, The Berlin Group could convince Selmayr for an exclusive interview on the matter.

Mr Selmayr, to start with, how did you come up with this idea?

Actually, I played around already a long time with this idea. It came up to my mind again after reading with pleasure that Season 2 of Westworld is to be shot in Syria [a story previously covered by the Berlin Group – Ed.]. I thought it would be a nice first policy proposal to ease the MPs in the European Parliament, who seem to be seriously concerned about the matter.

Ok. *cough*. Concerned about the matter? 

Of course! If there is one thing bringing in money, that’s weapons. France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, …. and many other Member States need this war to get the economy going! Fidget Spinners will be a cost-efficient innovation for the industry, to stay ahead of the Israeli weapon research. By the way, another good example is our new Fidget Big Data Gathering (FBDG) project that we are currently testing in a pilot on migrants arriving in the EU. Only paying Erdogan some money will not be enough anyway to deal with them.

And what about the UK? Does Brexit impact the EU Policy on this matter?

Ah, the British! After all this, we will learn them how to deal with miliatary innovation. They still seem to be thinking they are the center of the world, but the contrary is true! Until now they only seem to be concerned how to regulate advertisements in the subway.

To close this interview, why did you choose this subject for your first policy proposal? Aren’t there other pressing issues to be dealt with, such as climate change?

Climate change? There was a guy in the Commission, Jos Delbeke [until recently DG Climate in the Commission – Ed.] who didn’t stop annoying me with this hoax, therefore I decided with Bro Juncker to get him out. Who will earn money with this anyway? We better spend money on other stuff. So we’ll replace him with an old Italian friend from Juncker who knows how tu run a business [previously DG for Commerce and Free Trade Agreements – Ed.], but we could have also have replaced him with somebody from TV. In the end, we pay better than the average news agency, and at least they know how to communicate!

Thank you Mr Selmayr for this enlightening interview.

In the wake of these events, the IPCC does not seem bothered and continues the work on their next report on the impact of 1.5 °C warming. As pointed out by Röckstrom, they should reach out more. To the Berlin Group for example. Or our partner What The Fuck Just Happened Today.

Stay tuned!

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