Notre Dame effect: Orban invades Turkey

Budapest, Hungary

Only hours after news and videos of a burning Notre Dame were going viral on the internet, Viktor Orban declared war on Turkey and by Tuesday morning invaded Istanbul. Speaking at a press conference in the “Liberated Great Byzantine Territories” (LGBT) off the Bosphorus Strait, Orban told the media:

“What happened to Notre Dame was the last drop. Muslims and illegal migrants financed by George Soros set fire to this symbol of purity and Christianity. This is a fact. This is why we are here, brother Christians, to protect you, to protect Europe’s values. Today Istanbul, tomorrow Ankara. God is great!” concluded Orban in the cheerful crowd frenzy that followed.

The Berlin Group obtained details on the military campaign – virtually a blitzkrieg – that Orban undertook. It seems the Hungarian army, which is made of Orban loyalists and supporters of Great/Greater Hungary passed through Romania, where the country’s PSD-ALDE corrupt leaders were too busy stealing from the people to even realise an army was passing by. Orban’s army would have conquered Istanbul by midnight same day if roads in Romania’s roads were not in such a bad 19th century state and if the gypsies didn’t steal a considerable amount of military equipment, a Hungarian general told The Berlin Group.

The Berlin Group also has inside information that indicate Europe’s Western powers are currently negotiating the partitioning of Turkey. Tensions seem to run high, as France believes it should have the largest part of Turkish territory because of the Notre Dame incident and because it is generally the most nostalgic of all European powers when it comes to colonialism and the “golden ages of the French empire”.

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Tax break for Hungarian mothers of four if Viktor Orban is the children’s father

Budapest, Hungary

In a lavish ceremony at the Hungarian Parliament, PM Viktor Orban announced his strategy for Hungary’s Christian and demographic rebirth. One of centrepiece measures? Tax exemption for mothers of four, if Orban is the children’s father. In his State of the Nation speech, Orban explained the logic behind his policy, which he named “Long-term sustenance of hungAryan genes”

“Hungary has been invaded by barbarians, by non-Christians. Arabs, Jews and even Romanians are roaming free in our forefathers’ lands thanks to the imperialist policy of the European Union. If Attila the Hun saw this, he would turn in his grave! That is why we need to be cautious and be careful about how we go about preserving the superior Hungarian gene pool. You all know me and you all know how pure of a Hungarian I am. Therefore it is only fair that I am the Father of the Nation and will happily bed all the willing Hungarian women. Only in this way can we guarantee the genetic purity of future generations” said Viktor Orban in front of a cheering Parliament crowd, while Hungarian housewives were weeping with joy in front of the TVs.

In Brussels, European leaders asked Hungary’s Foreign Affairs Minister Peter Szijjarto how will Orban actually cope with fathering demands when everyone knows he has a small penis. Mr. Szijjarto explained that while PM Orban’s penis is indeed minuscule, the PM is nevertheless an “excellent wanker”. The Berlin Group understands that Orban’s genetic material resulting from this unique skill will be used in national fertilisation clinics.

While the fertilisation programme is now optional and incentivised by tax breaks, governmental sources told the Berlin Group that in the future Orban fertilisation will be mandatory for every woman who turns 18. Also, abortions will be made illegal and punishable by death. Same punishment will apply to marrying anyone who is not a pure Hungarian specimen, which should be shown on his “Pure Hungarian Specimen” certificate, released by the Research Institute for hungAryan Genetics”.

 

Mass species extinction and climate change correlated with Romanian PM speeches

Bucharest, Romania

In a scientific breakthrough earlier today, Romanian scientists have finally found the cause of Earth’s mass species extinction. After two years of research, scientists were able to correlate with 99,9% accuracy Romania PM Viorica Dancila’s speeches with mass extinction episodes and extreme climate change events. Speaking at a conference in Bucharest, Dr. Barbu Pulescu explained the process:

“We have been speculating on this for two years. Ever since Dancila took office as Romania’s Prime Minister, we have seen an exponential increase in species extinction . We also witnessed several revisions of the International Panel on Climate Change, stating climate change is way worse they initially predicted. The problem is every time PM Dancila opens her mouth, most animals commit suicide. Because she is so stupid, she takes away the will to live from a lot of living organisms.”

Asked why Dancila’s speeches do not cause mass suicide also among humans, Dr. Pulescu said it was a “matter of natural selection”. He argued that PM Dancila has an IQ that is lower enough for her to not be able to use any language, so the random selection of sounds that comes out of her mouth is wasted on people. Also, he cited a number of defence mechanisms people resorted to, such as switching off the TV when she is about to talk, listening to blasting music or using headphones during her speeches.

“Oh, in case you were not aware, Dancila was the inspiration for Birdbox. Initially, the director wanted to use her speeches as the destructive force threatening humans, but after 20 seconds of listening to one of her speeches, she almost lost hope in humanity and cut her veins. That is why she opted for an <<invisible evil force>>” concluded Pulescu for the Berlin Group.

Contacted by the Berlin Group, PM Dancila uttered some animal sounds that we still work on deciphering.

Ryanair follows ScotRail model and will now flush human waste out of planes during flight

Edinburgh, Scotland

An exciting upgrade partnership was concluded today between ScotRail and budget air carrier Ryanair. After ScotRail announced their ambitious train carriage modernisation plans, which include flushing human waste on tracks from its moving trains, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary was quick to follow suit.

“Aye, the only reason why I’m a bit upset about all this thing is that I didn’t think about it meself! What ScotRail is doing is revolutionary. Doing it from planes takes it to a totally different level. I found four reasons why this is probably the best measure Ryanair has come up with in recent decades. First, it provides much needed nutritious human waste to the world’s oceans and farmland, so it’s circularity you see. Second, it makes people aware of the impact aviation has on Earth. Third, it gives a premium experience to our customers, who can now literally sh*t on others. Fourth, it’s cheap, actually free!” said an over enthusiast O’Leary in front of journalists and ScotRail senior representatives.

On their part, ScotRail said they were pleased others in the transport sector are following their modernisation plan.

“It only proves how well we’ve done, no? There were some protests about it, but it’s always like this when it comes to revolutionary ideas. Throwing human waste from ScotRail trains directly on to railways will benefit communities along the railway track! They will now be able to collect the waste and put it on their farmland and grow potatoes!” said Alex Hynes, managing director at ScotRail.

However, sources for the Berlin Group told our journalists that the event brought some tensions. In particular, railway operators from Hungary (MAV) and Romania (CFR) complained that flushing human waste directly on tracks was first patented by them and so they will sue ScotRail for stealing intellectual property.

The rhinoceros Viktor Orban adopted managed to escape and was granted asylum in Budapest’s Ecuadorian Embassy

Budapest, Hungary

Only hours after Hungary’s Prime Minister Viktor Orban boosted on social media that he got himself a brand new rhinoceros, the visibly distressed animal managed to escape Orban’s shed and run free through the streets of Budapest, the Hungarian capital. The Ecuadorian Ambassador was quick to spot the animal while eating a dinner gulash with her husband in downtown Budapest. She immediately called home and suggested Ecuador offers asylum to the rhinoceros. The Ecuadorian President was quick to say yes, willing to keep the reputation of his country as one that offers shelter to those in need, unless they have a cat.

“I was eating some gulash, minosegi dish, they cook great stuff at this place close to St. Istvan Basilica you know, although customer service is rubbish. Anyway, I see this rhinoceros and from the terrified look on his face I know in an instant that he’s been around Orban. You can tell, you know, that man stinks both physically and morally. Of course we had to provide asylum as soon as possible, exotic animals are the last ones with some hope in this country” said Maria del Carmen Gonzalez Cabal, Ecuadorian Ambassador in Hungary.

The rhinoceros was immediately taken to the Ecuadorian Embassy for a medical test and hoofprinting. The veterinary on guard told the Berlin Group that the animal suffered from severe post-traumatic stress disorder, cause by being in contact with illiberalism, fascism and a highly toxic air composition. The toxicity has already proven to come from e-coli and other faeces bacteria, produced when Viktor Orban is talking.

Contacted by the Berlin Group, Viktor Orban was in a visible state of accentuated anger. He shouted in Hungarian for 10 full minutes. The only things we were able to understand were “Stop Soros”, “geci” and “fasz”. We will be back with updates, if any.

 

Mourning in Romania as Prime Minister Dancila and coalition leader Liviu Dragnea not among victims of Morandi bridge collapse

Bucharest, Romania

Scenes of utter disappointment in the Romanian capital of Bucharest, only days after a violent anti-corruption protest. Hopes were high in the Eastern European Member State when the Ministry of Foreign Affairs confirmed two Romanian casualties following the tragic collapse of Morandi Bridge in Genoa, Italy.

“I’m in tears. I was so sure, we all were so sure Dragnea and Dancila were running away after the protests, driving on that bridge to Switzerland…now we have to live with the fact that two hard working Romanians escaping poverty abroad are dead instead of them” said Ion Amariei, one of the many Romanians gathered in Bucharest’s Victory Square for a day of national mourning.

While most people showed desperation and grief, there were still a few optimists in the crowd.

“This is indeed sad. Those two Romanians probably have families, children, who were waiting for them back home. Me and my friends are checking updates on news outlets every minute, there are at least a dozen of people gone missing and – God willing – Dancila and Dragnea are among them” said Andrei Delatulcea, IT professional.

Many of the optimists gathered for mourning say they will stay in the square. They told The Berlin Group that their motivation comes from some plausible scenarios.

“They [ed. Dragnea and Dancila] haven’t shown their faces since we had the protest on Friday. We think they might have indeed run somewhere until spirits calm down. If Dancila drives, then they’re certainly in big trouble. She doesn’t even know how to read, but to drive? Hahaha”

UN in breakthrough “Syrian Method” solution to eradicate world poverty

Geneva, Switzerland

In a landmark summit held in Geneva, United Nations (UN) General Secretary Antonio Guterres presented UN’s breakthrough strategy to achieve some of the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs). The underpinning solution to the strategy is affectionately entitled “the Syrian Method” and it is based on three basic principles: (1) constant violation of human rights, particularly the right to live; (2) continuous targeting of the poor; and (3) not taking responsibility for any crimes against humanity, in particular against the poor.

“It is my honour and indeed my pleasure to present to the world a breakthrough method that will indisputably revolutionise the way we make progress in achieving the SDGs. The Syrian Method has been proposed unanimously by all the members of G20 at the last Davos summit, a historical event to be remembered by our grand-grandchildren if we think about it. We looked at Syria as a pilot project. The international coalitions carrying out sustained work since 2011managed to almost eradicate the poor. We wish to take this to other parts of the world affected by poverty” said Mr. Guterres in front of the radiant audience gathered at Hotel President Wilson in the Swiss city.

Present at the meeting, President Trump hailed the Syrian Method as “a great method, the best you’ve seen”, while British PM Therese May said she will even consider implementing it in the working-class, economically marginalised areas of Britain. German Chancellor Angela Merkel praised the method as “highly efficient” and President Putin held a speech explaining the rationale behind the method:

“It is dead simple. You want to eradicate poverty? You eradicate the poor. You f*ck the poor!”, ended Mr. Putin in the excited applauses of political and business leaders.

According to the documents examined by us at The Berlin Group, the Syrian Method will not only be used to tackle the “zero poverty goal” but has overarching implications on the goals of “zero hunger”, “clean water and sanitation” and “life on land”, all of which will benefit from a decreased – or indeed eradicated – poor population.

 

Smog alert in Luxembourg: a German family is having a barbecue at the border

Luxembourg City, Luxembourg

The Luxembourg Environmental Agency (LEA) declared a nationwide smog alert in the small state of Luxembourg this morning after a German family lightened up a barbecue at the border.

“Everything was fine at 9am CET. But then the skies began to cloud and the smell of grilled meat encroached the whole country. We advised all the 20 people living in the country to stay indoors in our block of flats and keep their windows closed. We are coordinating with German authorities and we hope to reach a mutually beneficial solution by this evening” said Claude-Vert Juncker, head of LEA and brother of Jean-Claude Juncker.

The German family responsible for the catastrophic situation apologised at a press conference held at noon and said they should have taken more precaution when they went out to barbecue.

“We checked the weather last evening and the wind was not supposed to blow in the direction of Luxembourg. It seems meteorological conditions changed early morning today and we caused all this mess. We offered to give half of our barbecue goodies to the people of Luxembourg, I mean the Juncker family – we estimated this would be enough for them for a week so we hope it will make up to some extent…” said Andreas Wurst of Trier, husband, father of two and barbecue chef in Trier, Germany.

This is not the only ecological catastrophe affecting Luxembourg. Last month, a Belgian teenager spilled a pint of beer in the border town of Arlon and caused Luxembourg´s worst floods in 20 years.

 

 

Re-wilding, a success in Romania: 80% of the population is now a dodo

The 2016 parliamentary elections in Romania proved something that scientists have suspected for the last years: most Romanians are, in fact, dodos!

Although the species was thought to have gone extinct in 1662, there is now undeniable evidence that there are at least 16 million dodos in the Eastern European Member State.

“It´s a breakthrough. Whether Romanians are dodos or not has been a topic in our community for the past 5 years. The results of the last presidential elections and the protests after COLECTIV really confused us, but what came out after these parliamentary elections finally clarified everything. 60% of Romanians did not vote, while another 20% voted for the most corrupt party in the country´s history. This points towards an incredibly small brain size and intellectual capacity, so there is now a consensus in the scientific community that Romanians are dodos”, said Jerome Jemenfous, head of department at the Institute Scientifique des Oiseaux.

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Liviu Dragnea, chief of the winning Social-Democrat Party and a convicted felon on charges of corruption, chose to celebrate victory by throwing grains in the main squares of Romania´s biggest cities in a show of gratitude for all the dodos.

“It was just too easy, you know. After the events in the last years, we were worried that Romanians reached the point where they can use their own brains and take simple but common sense decisions. Thank god they´re still an ignorant, brainless species, we can take back control and steal as much as we want. Of course we´ll start by modifying the Constitution and give ourselves immunity for life – we had enough of the anti-corruption department sending us to prison” Liviu Dragnea told The Berlin Group in an exclusive interview on Monday, while still throwing breadcrumbs to the dumb fold dodos.

Editor´s note: It is worth mentioning that of the remaining 20% of the population, half are Hungarians and at least a quarter are Romanians who live abroad. The survival of the Romanian species within the country´s own borders is now under question. 

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