Justin Timberlake’s “Cry me a river” denounced as climate propaganda

Memphis, Tennessee

A large scandal unfolded this week, when independent investigative platform Fox News revealed Justin Timberlake’s 2002 “Cry Me a River” has been climate propaganda all along. It appears Mr. Timberlake was paid by Democrats and George Soros to record the song, with the purpose of planting the seeds of climate activism in the head of youngsters. Cry Me a River, the investigation concludes, has been quintessential in brainwashing climate activist Greta Thunberg and the tens of thousands of school children following her example. Timberlake’s hit is also credited with the emergence of radical climate activist movements, such as Extinction Rebellion and the Sunrise Movement.

“It is mind blowing. Cry Me a River was not at all about a guy whose girlfriend cheats on him. The sublime message there was about humanity cheating on mother nature and then the cry of our planet through the melting of the Greenlandic and Antarctic ice sheets.” said leading Fox News investigator Charless Butthurt at a press conference.

Fox News also identified a lot of the current prevalent themes in climate activism that seem to have been formulated in the Cry Me a River Manifesto. For instance, when Timberlake sings “Don’t act like you don’t know it” it is actually a reference to the fight against climate deniers nowadays. Also, the lyrics “Now there’s just no chance/with you and me/There’ll never be” refers to the apocalyptic alarmist approach taken by the radical climate activists networks.

Perhaps the most relevant result from Fox News’ investigation is that Cry Me a River might be just the tip of the iceberg. The independent investigative journalist network is now also analysing the following songs:

  • Umbrella from Rihanna, where the singer seems to refer to the forecasted increasing rates of flooding due to climate change;
  • Fallin’ from Alicia Keys, with a connection to the collapsing ice sheets;
  • Poker Face by Lady Gaga, where the artist refers to the oil industry’s denial of its own destructive role for the climate;
  • Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You, in connection to the shape of our oceans and glaciers.

The Berlin Group tried to reach out to Mr. Timberlake for comments but he was not available. Sources told us he was having a meeting with Elizabeth Warren and George Soros to discuss damage control strategies but also a worldwide tour with Greta Thunberg.

Mike Pence changes profile picture on Grindr for Iceland visit

Washigton D.C.

In a press conference just before packing his bags for Iceland, Mike Pence confessed he changed his profile picture on his favourite dating app, Grindr.

“I’ve been raised in a progressive family and as you know me, I respect other cultures. I heard that the LGBTQ+ community in Reykjavik has other tastes than the one here in D.C. So I obviously had to make myself more pleasant on Grindr – for those who are familiar with my Grindr profile the new BDSM photos may come as a surprise. But hey, let’s keep an open mind, no?”

Asked about the purpose of his visit, Pence stressed that after talking to Icelandic Prime Minister Katrín Jakobsdóttir, he decided to change the focus of his visit from military to fighting climate change and pushing the Wellbeing Economy agenda.

“My talk with Ms. Jakobsdóttir was really eye-opening. I talked to President Trump and we agreed that the focus of US-Iceland partnership should rather be on tackling the global climate change crisis and moving away from an unsustainable economic system that destroys our planet and our social cohesion. In a few days we will also finalise talks about joining Iceland, Scotland and New Zealand in the Wellbeing Economy Alliance. I will keep you all updated, now I need to prepare for this overnight cross-Atlantic sailing trip to Iceland and pack my bamboo toothbrush” concluded Mr. Pence.

The Berlin Group will send live updates from Iceland in the coming days.

Orban comes around: Hungary replaces goulash with insect-based diet to fight climate change

Budapest, Hungary

In a surprise move, Minister President Viktor Orban of Hungary revealed an ambitious national plan to combat climate change and cut greenhouse gas emissions. Perhaps the centrepiece of Mr. Orban’s plan is to replace the world-famouse Hungarian goulash with an insect-based diet.

“Beef is bad for the environment. Cattle use a lot of our water and energy. But even more importantly, they are some of the main emitters of methane into the atmosphere. And as we all know, methane is a very potent greenhouse gas, 10 times more dangerous than CO2. Hungary is committed to fighting climate change, for a better world, for future generations”, Mr. Orban said in a press conference in Budapest, while a tear was running down his cheek.

Mr. Orban’s supporters and opponents alike have speculated about the Hungarian PM being terminally ill or perhaps going through an emotional breakdown after his rhinoceros escaped and sought asylum in the Ecuadorian Embassy. This is also because rumour has it Mr. Orban privately confessed to actually firmly believe in the rule of law, democracy and the benefits of Central European University operating in Budapest. Romania was the first country to welcome the decision. While taking a break from her alphabet-learning classes, Romanian PM Viorica Dancila said goulash was a Romanian dish anyway so now her country can rightfully claim it back under EU’s Protected Designation of Origin.

Study finds metal smuggling contributes to achieving recycling targets and boosting a circular economy

Wetwank, Yorkshire

A study by British scientists at the University of Heavy and Rare Metals (UHRM) in Wetwank, Yorkshire, found that countries are more likely to reach their recycling targets if they are more lenient towards metal smugglers. The study looked at 23 countries within and outside the European Union (EU) and in all but two cases, their hypothesis was validated by data on the ground. The exceptions were Romania and Turkey. In Romania, it was found that people from the roma community were more efficient than smugglers to informally implement national recycling strategies. In Turkey, it was found that all smuggled metals – in particular gold – were confiscated by Erdogan to strengthen a falling Turkish Lira and so did not count in official statistics.

“Our study sends a strong signal to countries that have national recycling targets or are obliged to implement the Circular Economy Package of the EU. It is more so for countries that are struggling to reach those targets. Letting smugglers to deal with recycling is a win-win strategy. It flourishes local black economy and makes criminals richer. This increases tax revenue and decreases unemployment by means of human trafficking. At the same time, it looks good in national statistics so politicians can brag about it and boost their ratings”, said Olof Smuglesson, project leader.

Sources of The Berlin Group claim that police force in most of the case study countries welcomed the results. In Iceland, police said they can finally focus on things that matter, such as punishing mentally impaired tourists doing off-road driving. In Norway, police welcomed the chance of shifting efforts from smuggling prevention to confiscating Finnish reindeers  illegally crossing into the country. Governments seem to have also received the study well, apart from the US, where President Donald Trump tweeted he will impose a 25% import tax for metal smugglers.

 

Selmayr proposes EU Fidget Spinner War Strategy after Commission Capture *EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW*

Brussels, Belgium

After EU parliamentarians were left baffled last week with consternation and uproar because of the coup d’etat of Juncker’s childhood friend Selmayr, the tension in the control room of the EU raised further after rumours that his first policy proposal entails including fidget spinners in the ongoing update of the EU-UN War Innovation Strategy.

Taking advantage of the climate of suspicion towards mainstream media among high-level politicians and – simply – the pressing lack of journalists, The Berlin Group could convince Selmayr for an exclusive interview on the matter.

Mr Selmayr, to start with, how did you come up with this idea?

Actually, I played around already a long time with this idea. It came up to my mind again after reading with pleasure that Season 2 of Westworld is to be shot in Syria [a story previously covered by the Berlin Group – Ed.]. I thought it would be a nice first policy proposal to ease the MPs in the European Parliament, who seem to be seriously concerned about the matter.

Ok. *cough*. Concerned about the matter? 

Of course! If there is one thing bringing in money, that’s weapons. France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, …. and many other Member States need this war to get the economy going! Fidget Spinners will be a cost-efficient innovation for the industry, to stay ahead of the Israeli weapon research. By the way, another good example is our new Fidget Big Data Gathering (FBDG) project that we are currently testing in a pilot on migrants arriving in the EU. Only paying Erdogan some money will not be enough anyway to deal with them.

And what about the UK? Does Brexit impact the EU Policy on this matter?

Ah, the British! After all this, we will learn them how to deal with miliatary innovation. They still seem to be thinking they are the center of the world, but the contrary is true! Until now they only seem to be concerned how to regulate advertisements in the subway.

To close this interview, why did you choose this subject for your first policy proposal? Aren’t there other pressing issues to be dealt with, such as climate change?

Climate change? There was a guy in the Commission, Jos Delbeke [until recently DG Climate in the Commission – Ed.] who didn’t stop annoying me with this hoax, therefore I decided with Bro Juncker to get him out. Who will earn money with this anyway? We better spend money on other stuff. So we’ll replace him with an old Italian friend from Juncker who knows how tu run a business [previously DG for Commerce and Free Trade Agreements – Ed.], but we could have also have replaced him with somebody from TV. In the end, we pay better than the average news agency, and at least they know how to communicate!

Thank you Mr Selmayr for this enlightening interview.

In the wake of these events, the IPCC does not seem bothered and continues the work on their next report on the impact of 1.5 °C warming. As pointed out by Röckstrom, they should reach out more. To the Berlin Group for example. Or our partner What The Fuck Just Happened Today.

Stay tuned!

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