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Selmayr proposes EU Fidget Spinner War Strategy after Commission Capture *EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW*

Brussels, Belgium

After EU parliamentarians were left baffled last week with consternation and uproar because of the coup d’etat of Juncker’s childhood friend Selmayr, the tension in the control room of the EU raised further after rumours that his first policy proposal entails including fidget spinners in the ongoing update of the EU-UN War Innovation Strategy.

Taking advantage of the climate of suspicion towards mainstream media among high-level politicians and – simply – the pressing lack of journalists, The Berlin Group could convince Selmayr for an exclusive interview on the matter.

Mr Selmayr, to start with, how did you come up with this idea?

Actually, I played around already a long time with this idea. It came up to my mind again after reading with pleasure that Season 2 of Westworld is to be shot in Syria [a story previously covered by the Berlin Group – Ed.]. I thought it would be a nice first policy proposal to ease the MPs in the European Parliament, who seem to be seriously concerned about the matter.

Ok. *cough*. Concerned about the matter? 

Of course! If there is one thing bringing in money, that’s weapons. France, Germany, Spain, Belgium, …. and many other Member States need this war to get the economy going! Fidget Spinners will be a cost-efficient innovation for the industry, to stay ahead of the Israeli weapon research. By the way, another good example is our new Fidget Big Data Gathering (FBDG) project that we are currently testing in a pilot on migrants arriving in the EU. Only paying Erdogan some money will not be enough anyway to deal with them.

And what about the UK? Does Brexit impact the EU Policy on this matter?

Ah, the British! After all this, we will learn them how to deal with miliatary innovation. They still seem to be thinking they are the center of the world, but the contrary is true! Until now they only seem to be concerned how to regulate advertisements in the subway.

To close this interview, why did you choose this subject for your first policy proposal? Aren’t there other pressing issues to be dealt with, such as climate change?

Climate change? There was a guy in the Commission, Jos Delbeke [until recently DG Climate in the Commission – Ed.] who didn’t stop annoying me with this hoax, therefore I decided with Bro Juncker to get him out. Who will earn money with this anyway? We better spend money on other stuff. So we’ll replace him with an old Italian friend from Juncker who knows how tu run a business [previously DG for Commerce and Free Trade Agreements – Ed.], but we could have also have replaced him with somebody from TV. In the end, we pay better than the average news agency, and at least they know how to communicate!

Thank you Mr Selmayr for this enlightening interview.

In the wake of these events, the IPCC does not seem bothered and continues the work on their next report on the impact of 1.5 °C warming. As pointed out by Röckstrom, they should reach out more. To the Berlin Group for example. Or our partner What The Fuck Just Happened Today.

Stay tuned!

EU Leads The World in Climate Action with its new Winter Package ‘Wanting More, Delivering Less’

The European Commission presented last week a revolutionary Winter Package to tackle Climate Change in a unseen push for action after a surreal stream of events unfurled in the EU Headquarters. After streaming a hologram from his apartment in The United Islands of Paradise – in an attempt to equal the performance of his secret lover Melenchon, Juncker managed to kickstart a revolutionary political momentum backed by the Commission in an unseen confusing but weirdly effective manner, by only stumbling  “I have a wish to express. There is nothing wrong with that” at an EU leader roundtable last week.

Left confused, the EU leaders present in the room first thought he wanted to eat beef during the evening gala of the High Level Expert Group on Total Meat Consumption (HLEG-TMG)  – a story previously covered by The Berlin Group – but our sources from his close entourage at his secretary found out that he wanted to surpass the previously largely unmoving and unnoticed artistic upwellings of Herman van Rompuy, his predecessor.

Because of a Russian botnet attack on the unsecured networks of the Agenda Management IT Infrastructure of the European Commission, the EU leaders found themselves instead present at the High Level Group on Tackling Climate Change – an industrial think thank operating within DG Historical Archives Service – to further debate the wish of Juncker.

Because Angela Merkel was too unconscious due to an overdose of painkillers, and because Macron and the Prime Minister of the Netherlands – respectively trying new negotiation techniques such as anaesthetising discussion partners with pungent perfume or silencing opponents by pushing a sandwich in their mouth – were caught up in a perpetual discussion on whether the French should eat more Dutch resource-efficient croissants and less medicines as breakfast versus whether the Dutch are paying not enough for French bio-wine, the IMF and ECB – although only having observer status during the meeting – saw their chance to come up with a draft Climate Action proposal titled ‘Money and Investors Climate Mitigation in Greece‘ in a desperate attempt to ease an unfolding corruption scandal.

Because of microphone cables getting unrooted and misdirected during indepentist celebrations while inaugurating the new 20th Brussels municipality and police force ‘Je suis / I am / Ik ben / ****??? E-Union‘ encompassing the EU quarter, DG Translation finally interpreted the title of the proposal as ‘Wanting More, Delivering Less’ – a quote coming from Brune Poirson from the French ministry during a parallel meeting of the High Level Deregulation & Lobby Management Group (HLDLMG) in another Commission building, but the content of the document remained the same.

Meanwhile, Xi Jinping watched the latest episode of Climate Cowboys on youtube – a new underground indie science fiction series from the makers of ‘Back to the Future’ – and had his first holy “Xi-Thought“.

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