An exciting upgrade partnership was concluded today between ScotRail and budget air carrier Ryanair. After ScotRail announced their ambitious train carriage modernisation plans, which include flushing human waste on tracks from its moving trains, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary was quick to follow suit.
“Aye, the only reason why I’m a bit upset about all this thing is that I didn’t think about it meself! What ScotRail is doing is revolutionary. Doing it from planes takes it to a totally different level. I found four reasons why this is probably the best measure Ryanair has come up with in recent decades. First, it provides much needed nutritious human waste to the world’s oceans and farmland, so it’s circularity you see. Second, it makes people aware of the impact aviation has on Earth. Third, it gives a premium experience to our customers, who can now literally sh*t on others. Fourth, it’s cheap, actually free!” said an over enthusiast O’Leary in front of journalists and ScotRail senior representatives.
On their part, ScotRail said they were pleased others in the transport sector are following their modernisation plan.
“It only proves how well we’ve done, no? There were some protests about it, but it’s always like this when it comes to revolutionary ideas. Throwing human waste from ScotRail trains directly on to railways will benefit communities along the railway track! They will now be able to collect the waste and put it on their farmland and grow potatoes!” said Alex Hynes, managing director at ScotRail.
However, sources for the Berlin Group told our journalists that the event brought some tensions. In particular, railway operators from Hungary (MAV) and Romania (CFR) complained that flushing human waste directly on tracks was first patented by them and so they will sue ScotRail for stealing intellectual property.