The European Commission presented last week a revolutionary Winter Package to tackle Climate Change in a unseen push for action after a surreal stream of events unfurled in the EU Headquarters. After streaming a hologram from his apartment in The United Islands of Paradise – in an attempt to equal the performance of his secret lover Melenchon, Juncker managed to kickstart a revolutionary political momentum backed by the Commission in an unseen confusing but weirdly effective manner, by only stumbling “I have a wish to express. There is nothing wrong with that” at an EU leader roundtable last week.
Left confused, the EU leaders present in the room first thought he wanted to eat beef during the evening gala of the High Level Expert Group on Total Meat Consumption (HLEG-TMG) – a story previously covered by The Berlin Group – but our sources from his close entourage at his secretary found out that he wanted to surpass the previously largely unmoving and unnoticed artistic upwellings of Herman van Rompuy, his predecessor.
Because of a Russian botnet attack on the unsecured networks of the Agenda Management IT Infrastructure of the European Commission, the EU leaders found themselves instead present at the High Level Group on Tackling Climate Change – an industrial think thank operating within DG Historical Archives Service – to further debate the wish of Juncker.
Because Angela Merkel was too unconscious due to an overdose of painkillers, and because Macron and the Prime Minister of the Netherlands – respectively trying new negotiation techniques such as anaesthetising discussion partners with pungent perfume or silencing opponents by pushing a sandwich in their mouth – were caught up in a perpetual discussion on whether the French should eat more Dutch resource-efficient croissants and less medicines as breakfast versus whether the Dutch are paying not enough for French bio-wine, the IMF and ECB – although only having observer status during the meeting – saw their chance to come up with a draft Climate Action proposal titled ‘Money and Investors Climate Mitigation in Greece‘ in a desperate attempt to ease an unfolding corruption scandal.
Because of microphone cables getting unrooted and misdirected during indepentist celebrations while inaugurating the new 20th Brussels municipality and police force ‘Je suis / I am / Ik ben / ****??? E-Union‘ encompassing the EU quarter, DG Translation finally interpreted the title of the proposal as ‘Wanting More, Delivering Less’ – a quote coming from Brune Poirson from the French ministry during a parallel meeting of the High Level Deregulation & Lobby Management Group (HLDLMG) in another Commission building, but the content of the document remained the same.
Meanwhile, Xi Jinping watched the latest episode of Climate Cowboys on youtube – a new underground indie science fiction series from the makers of ‘Back to the Future’ – and had his first holy “Xi-Thought“.