The world was in shock on Tuesday when Donald J. Trump was elected Obama´s successor at the White House, but the Germans were quick to react.
“With Obama in the office, we wanted to prove we´re the best by being the first to achieve the goals set in the Paris Agreement. Now that Mr. Trump won, we had to rethink our strategy. We will become world´s number one polluter” said Vice-Chancellor Sigmar Gabriel in an interview for The Berlin Group.
Even Barbara Hendricks, Germany´s Ministry of Environment, was on board. Speaking at a press conference before heading to the COP22 in Marrakech, she confessed her ministry did not even bother coming up with a Climate Change Action Plan.
“We wanted to show leadership at this COP. We had to get outside our silos and not having a climate change action plan was just the logical step. Global leaders in Marrakech need to have it clear that Germany will commit to take over China and the US as world´s biggest polluter by 2050.”
The move is set to not only reconfirm that Germans are at the forefront of promoting sustainable development worldwide. It will also help chancellor Angela Merkel, whose policies have so far not made her very popular. Estimations show that relocating production for the domestic market from China to Germany will allow the country to reach 0% unemployment and exponential growth indefinitely. Minor effects will include a 99% loss of biodiversity, critical pollution of all water sources, collapse of the agricultural sector and smogs in town and village with a population over 10 inhabitants. However, Germans are not worried.
“Those are just numbers, they don´t tell anything. Besides, once we´re done with completely destroying our environment, we can simply invade France again”, said Mr. Mannheim Schnitzel, entrepreneur from Stuttgart.
On the other hand, President elect Donald J. Trump did not seem worried by Germany´s plans and was heard asking Mike Pence: “Germany? Isn´t that a village in Britain?”.