Tesla owners are the new “BMW drivers” of the universe, a new intergalactic survey shows

North Pole, Mars

A new intergalactic survey launched by the Martians and funded by the Elves of Middle Earth lays blame on Tesla drivers as one of the biggest annoyance when it comes to public order and intergalactic highway conduit. It is the first year on record when BMW drivers are dethroned as the most annoying drivers. Tesla drivers also got the infamous WAG (“Wankers of the Galaxies”) award from the Alfa Centauri Committee on Egocentrism, Pain-in-the-assness and Trumpism (ACCEPT).

“It is clear that all the citizens of our intergalactic community had enough of Tesla. The drivers fall asleep at the wheel, that is when they’re not shamelessly stealing electricity from random satelliteyards without authorization. The cars are silent and you never know when they pass you at over-the-galactic-speed-limit; at least BMW drivers were also loud, so you could hear them coming from light years away”, said Al Manekeen Bush, lead-author of the survey.

The shares of the automobile giant plummeted on the Jupiter MoonStreet Stock Exchange, wiping out one billion Kergorians of its market value in only a few hours. Back on Earth, Elon Musk was reportedly devastated and did not tweet for a whole day. Close friend sources of The Berlin Group said he wanted to focus on spending some quality time with his son X æ A-12 watching the latest season of “Milky Way Friends”, the latest hit on GaxyFlix.

EU says “veggie burger” can keep name if producers add bacon

European Parliament, Brussels

The EU has reached a compromise today on the status of “veggie burgers”. It took over nine hours of fierce debates in the European Parliament for a decision to be voted by MEPs regarding the fate of what many call “food market anomalies”. The first three hours were dedicated to explaining the MEPs from Central and Eastern Europe what a “veggie burger” is. Nearly six hours were then spent on one-to-one psychotherapy with these MEPs, in order to treat their post-traumatic disorder caused by the initial three hour session. Voting the proposal took 30 seconds, after one MEP from the European People’s Party (EPP) shouted in the Parliament’s chamber “Why don’t we add bacon to those bloody burgers and call it a day?”. The final proposal was voted 704 to 1, with one EPP member from Viktor Orban’s FIDESZ mistakingly voting “NO” – he was playing Candy Crush and clicked on the wrong voting option.

Initially, the Greens-European Free Alliance (Greens-EFA) complained that the proposal was not green enough. This was solved when EPP suggested packaging for “veggie burgers” to be green, so that consumers are aware about the kind of product they are choosing. The MEPs from Renew Europe – Parliament’s third force – agreed on condition that big corporations like McDonald’s, Burger King or KFC can also choose to sell their burgers in green packaging even if they are not “veggie”.

“These big corporations are going to great lengths in greening their businesses green. Just the other day I went past a McDonald’s restaurant in Bucharest and their terrace was full of plants – imagine how much CO2 they’re capturing from the atmosphere. Just imagine, because I have no idea.” said Dacian Ciolos, president of Renew Europe.

As for “veggie burger” packaging colour & labelling, it was also decided that a scale from A to L will be applied in order to distinguish among those specific products. “Veggie burgers” labelled A and coloured light green will have A Lot of Bacon, while those with L and coloured dark green, Less Bacon. The European Conservatives and Reformists (ECR) also introduced an amendment by which those veggie burgers containing bacon and meat patties, can be labeled A+, A++ or A+++ depending on the number of 100g meat patties.

“It’s been a productive day. We are clearly showing how important is for us to satisfy the ever changing needs of the European consumers, while fighting climate change with these kind of radical measures. Not to mention that what we accomplished today is a great boost to the 2030 Total Meat Consumption Roadmap we adopted back in 2016″ said Manfred Webber, President of EPP.

European Commission unveils the first cure against coronavirus: hospitals in Central and Eastern Europe

Brussels, EU Commission headquarters

EU Commission president Ursula von der Leyen just announced a breakthrough in the coronavirus epidemic. Citing a new study by the Joint Research Center (JRC) of the Commission, von der Leyen pointed out that the very first world cure against coronavirus was, in fact, always in Europe.

“The JRC study confirms what we thought – Europe is more than ready to deal with global epidemics and even with global pandemics, no matter the severity. Hospitals in Central and Eastern Europe have been identified as a 100% effective manner to kill the corona virus. The conditions in this hospitals are so bad that the virus essentially commits suicide” said von der Leyen in a press conference only minutes ago.

Dr. Cough Smith, leader of the research team that carried out the study, says that the findings confirm past studies.

“It has long been known that hospitals in Central and Eastern Europe kill everything. The chances of a young healthy adult to get out alive from one of these hospitals after treatment for minor injuries is somewhere around 20%. So while the hospital conditions will naturally kill the coronavirus, they will also kill the host.” 

Researchers and public health officials from around the world flew in Bucharest, Budapest and Warsaw on Thursday to examine the conditions in municipal hospitals in an attempt to replicate these virus-killing environment.

Japanese raid of Carlos Ghosn’s house sparks international conflict as Romanian labelled palinka is found

Tokyo, Japan

An unexpected turn in the Carl Ghosn saga shocked the international community and brought the nations of Hungary and Romania on the brink of war. Following Ghosn’s escape from Japan, the Japanese authorities raided his home, only to find a 60° alcohol bottle in his secure vault, labelled “Palinka”. Sources close to the Japanese police were quick to leak the information to the press and once the news reached the Hungarian authorities, hell broke loose.

Zoltan Kovacs, spokeman and sometimes spokewoman for the Hungarian government, was quick to take the issue to Twitter:

“Shocking news from Japan, where so-called Romanian palinka was found. Unacceptable. We will retaliate. Soros mercenaries 1/100”

Palinka is a product registered by Hungary as a Protected Denomination of Origin (PDO) with the European Commission. The European Commission’s guidelines states that a Member State not complying with another Member State’s PDO is equal to a declaration of war. The Romanian authorities were at first caught off-guard, as the government officials were busy stealing money from the public budget and taking bribes. Also, no one in the Romanian administration had twitter so the information arrived by fax from the Romanian Embassy in Budapest.

“We have no idea what the Hungarians are all about and honestly no one had time to read Zoltan’s hysterical tweets. But as usual, we will just deploy the army at the Hungarian border and equip them with Palinka bottles. I mean with Palinka-like alcohol bottles.”

Meanwhile, Viktor Orban mobilized the 100-people strong Hungarian army and held a speech against “Soros Mercenaries”, sending them to the Serbian border to stop immigrants.

 

 

Justin Timberlake’s “Cry me a river” denounced as climate propaganda

Memphis, Tennessee

A large scandal unfolded this week, when independent investigative platform Fox News revealed Justin Timberlake’s 2002 “Cry Me a River” has been climate propaganda all along. It appears Mr. Timberlake was paid by Democrats and George Soros to record the song, with the purpose of planting the seeds of climate activism in the head of youngsters. Cry Me a River, the investigation concludes, has been quintessential in brainwashing climate activist Greta Thunberg and the tens of thousands of school children following her example. Timberlake’s hit is also credited with the emergence of radical climate activist movements, such as Extinction Rebellion and the Sunrise Movement.

“It is mind blowing. Cry Me a River was not at all about a guy whose girlfriend cheats on him. The sublime message there was about humanity cheating on mother nature and then the cry of our planet through the melting of the Greenlandic and Antarctic ice sheets.” said leading Fox News investigator Charless Butthurt at a press conference.

Fox News also identified a lot of the current prevalent themes in climate activism that seem to have been formulated in the Cry Me a River Manifesto. For instance, when Timberlake sings “Don’t act like you don’t know it” it is actually a reference to the fight against climate deniers nowadays. Also, the lyrics “Now there’s just no chance/with you and me/There’ll never be” refers to the apocalyptic alarmist approach taken by the radical climate activists networks.

Perhaps the most relevant result from Fox News’ investigation is that Cry Me a River might be just the tip of the iceberg. The independent investigative journalist network is now also analysing the following songs:

  • Umbrella from Rihanna, where the singer seems to refer to the forecasted increasing rates of flooding due to climate change;
  • Fallin’ from Alicia Keys, with a connection to the collapsing ice sheets;
  • Poker Face by Lady Gaga, where the artist refers to the oil industry’s denial of its own destructive role for the climate;
  • Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You, in connection to the shape of our oceans and glaciers.

The Berlin Group tried to reach out to Mr. Timberlake for comments but he was not available. Sources told us he was having a meeting with Elizabeth Warren and George Soros to discuss damage control strategies but also a worldwide tour with Greta Thunberg.

Mike Pence changes profile picture on Grindr for Iceland visit

Washigton D.C.

In a press conference just before packing his bags for Iceland, Mike Pence confessed he changed his profile picture on his favourite dating app, Grindr.

“I’ve been raised in a progressive family and as you know me, I respect other cultures. I heard that the LGBTQ+ community in Reykjavik has other tastes than the one here in D.C. So I obviously had to make myself more pleasant on Grindr – for those who are familiar with my Grindr profile the new BDSM photos may come as a surprise. But hey, let’s keep an open mind, no?”

Asked about the purpose of his visit, Pence stressed that after talking to Icelandic Prime Minister Katrín Jakobsdóttir, he decided to change the focus of his visit from military to fighting climate change and pushing the Wellbeing Economy agenda.

“My talk with Ms. Jakobsdóttir was really eye-opening. I talked to President Trump and we agreed that the focus of US-Iceland partnership should rather be on tackling the global climate change crisis and moving away from an unsustainable economic system that destroys our planet and our social cohesion. In a few days we will also finalise talks about joining Iceland, Scotland and New Zealand in the Wellbeing Economy Alliance. I will keep you all updated, now I need to prepare for this overnight cross-Atlantic sailing trip to Iceland and pack my bamboo toothbrush” concluded Mr. Pence.

The Berlin Group will send live updates from Iceland in the coming days.

Orban comes around: Hungary replaces goulash with insect-based diet to fight climate change

Budapest, Hungary

In a surprise move, Minister President Viktor Orban of Hungary revealed an ambitious national plan to combat climate change and cut greenhouse gas emissions. Perhaps the centrepiece of Mr. Orban’s plan is to replace the world-famouse Hungarian goulash with an insect-based diet.

“Beef is bad for the environment. Cattle use a lot of our water and energy. But even more importantly, they are some of the main emitters of methane into the atmosphere. And as we all know, methane is a very potent greenhouse gas, 10 times more dangerous than CO2. Hungary is committed to fighting climate change, for a better world, for future generations”, Mr. Orban said in a press conference in Budapest, while a tear was running down his cheek.

Mr. Orban’s supporters and opponents alike have speculated about the Hungarian PM being terminally ill or perhaps going through an emotional breakdown after his rhinoceros escaped and sought asylum in the Ecuadorian Embassy. This is also because rumour has it Mr. Orban privately confessed to actually firmly believe in the rule of law, democracy and the benefits of Central European University operating in Budapest. Romania was the first country to welcome the decision. While taking a break from her alphabet-learning classes, Romanian PM Viorica Dancila said goulash was a Romanian dish anyway so now her country can rightfully claim it back under EU’s Protected Designation of Origin.

Champions League final: what did the blonde model really say? In pictures

Madrid, Spain.

Many thought that Kinsey Wolanski invading the pitch on Saturday night’s CL final was meant to energise the seemingly stuck Tottenham players.  The Berlin Group managed to get access to top secret information about Kinsey’s real intentions. We decided to summarize her key messages graphically.

0g6p6tap61231.jpg The moment Kinsey invaded the pitch. What it really meant was….

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Notre Dame effect: Orban invades Turkey

Budapest, Hungary

Only hours after news and videos of a burning Notre Dame were going viral on the internet, Viktor Orban declared war on Turkey and by Tuesday morning invaded Istanbul. Speaking at a press conference in the “Liberated Great Byzantine Territories” (LGBT) off the Bosphorus Strait, Orban told the media:

“What happened to Notre Dame was the last drop. Muslims and illegal migrants financed by George Soros set fire to this symbol of purity and Christianity. This is a fact. This is why we are here, brother Christians, to protect you, to protect Europe’s values. Today Istanbul, tomorrow Ankara. God is great!” concluded Orban in the cheerful crowd frenzy that followed.

The Berlin Group obtained details on the military campaign – virtually a blitzkrieg – that Orban undertook. It seems the Hungarian army, which is made of Orban loyalists and supporters of Great/Greater Hungary passed through Romania, where the country’s PSD-ALDE corrupt leaders were too busy stealing from the people to even realise an army was passing by. Orban’s army would have conquered Istanbul by midnight same day if roads in Romania’s roads were not in such a bad 19th century state and if the gypsies didn’t steal a considerable amount of military equipment, a Hungarian general told The Berlin Group.

The Berlin Group also has inside information that indicate Europe’s Western powers are currently negotiating the partitioning of Turkey. Tensions seem to run high, as France believes it should have the largest part of Turkish territory because of the Notre Dame incident and because it is generally the most nostalgic of all European powers when it comes to colonialism and the “golden ages of the French empire”.

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