Justin Timberlake’s “Cry me a river” denounced as climate propaganda

Memphis, Tennessee

A large scandal unfolded this week, when independent investigative platform Fox News revealed Justin Timberlake’s 2002 “Cry Me a River” has been climate propaganda all along. It appears Mr. Timberlake was paid by Democrats and George Soros to record the song, with the purpose of planting the seeds of climate activism in the head of youngsters. Cry Me a River, the investigation concludes, has been quintessential in brainwashing climate activist Greta Thunberg and the tens of thousands of school children following her example. Timberlake’s hit is also credited with the emergence of radical climate activist movements, such as Extinction Rebellion and the Sunrise Movement.

“It is mind blowing. Cry Me a River was not at all about a guy whose girlfriend cheats on him. The sublime message there was about humanity cheating on mother nature and then the cry of our planet through the melting of the Greenlandic and Antarctic ice sheets.” said leading Fox News investigator Charless Butthurt at a press conference.

Fox News also identified a lot of the current prevalent themes in climate activism that seem to have been formulated in the Cry Me a River Manifesto. For instance, when Timberlake sings “Don’t act like you don’t know it” it is actually a reference to the fight against climate deniers nowadays. Also, the lyrics “Now there’s just no chance/with you and me/There’ll never be” refers to the apocalyptic alarmist approach taken by the radical climate activists networks.

Perhaps the most relevant result from Fox News’ investigation is that Cry Me a River might be just the tip of the iceberg. The independent investigative journalist network is now also analysing the following songs:

  • Umbrella from Rihanna, where the singer seems to refer to the forecasted increasing rates of flooding due to climate change;
  • Fallin’ from Alicia Keys, with a connection to the collapsing ice sheets;
  • Poker Face by Lady Gaga, where the artist refers to the oil industry’s denial of its own destructive role for the climate;
  • Ed Sheeran’s Shape of You, in connection to the shape of our oceans and glaciers.

The Berlin Group tried to reach out to Mr. Timberlake for comments but he was not available. Sources told us he was having a meeting with Elizabeth Warren and George Soros to discuss damage control strategies but also a worldwide tour with Greta Thunberg.

Mike Pence changes profile picture on Grindr for Iceland visit

Washigton D.C.

In a press conference just before packing his bags for Iceland, Mike Pence confessed he changed his profile picture on his favourite dating app, Grindr.

“I’ve been raised in a progressive family and as you know me, I respect other cultures. I heard that the LGBTQ+ community in Reykjavik has other tastes than the one here in D.C. So I obviously had to make myself more pleasant on Grindr – for those who are familiar with my Grindr profile the new BDSM photos may come as a surprise. But hey, let’s keep an open mind, no?”

Asked about the purpose of his visit, Pence stressed that after talking to Icelandic Prime Minister Katrín Jakobsdóttir, he decided to change the focus of his visit from military to fighting climate change and pushing the Wellbeing Economy agenda.

“My talk with Ms. Jakobsdóttir was really eye-opening. I talked to President Trump and we agreed that the focus of US-Iceland partnership should rather be on tackling the global climate change crisis and moving away from an unsustainable economic system that destroys our planet and our social cohesion. In a few days we will also finalise talks about joining Iceland, Scotland and New Zealand in the Wellbeing Economy Alliance. I will keep you all updated, now I need to prepare for this overnight cross-Atlantic sailing trip to Iceland and pack my bamboo toothbrush” concluded Mr. Pence.

The Berlin Group will send live updates from Iceland in the coming days.

Orban comes around: Hungary replaces goulash with insect-based diet to fight climate change

Budapest, Hungary

In a surprise move, Minister President Viktor Orban of Hungary revealed an ambitious national plan to combat climate change and cut greenhouse gas emissions. Perhaps the centrepiece of Mr. Orban’s plan is to replace the world-famouse Hungarian goulash with an insect-based diet.

“Beef is bad for the environment. Cattle use a lot of our water and energy. But even more importantly, they are some of the main emitters of methane into the atmosphere. And as we all know, methane is a very potent greenhouse gas, 10 times more dangerous than CO2. Hungary is committed to fighting climate change, for a better world, for future generations”, Mr. Orban said in a press conference in Budapest, while a tear was running down his cheek.

Mr. Orban’s supporters and opponents alike have speculated about the Hungarian PM being terminally ill or perhaps going through an emotional breakdown after his rhinoceros escaped and sought asylum in the Ecuadorian Embassy. This is also because rumour has it Mr. Orban privately confessed to actually firmly believe in the rule of law, democracy and the benefits of Central European University operating in Budapest. Romania was the first country to welcome the decision. While taking a break from her alphabet-learning classes, Romanian PM Viorica Dancila said goulash was a Romanian dish anyway so now her country can rightfully claim it back under EU’s Protected Designation of Origin.

Champions League final: what did the blonde model really say? In pictures

Madrid, Spain.

Many thought that Kinsey Wolanski invading the pitch on Saturday night’s CL final was meant to energise the seemingly stuck Tottenham players.  The Berlin Group managed to get access to top secret information about Kinsey’s real intentions. We decided to summarize her key messages graphically.

0g6p6tap61231.jpg The moment Kinsey invaded the pitch. What it really meant was….

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Notre Dame effect: Orban invades Turkey

Budapest, Hungary

Only hours after news and videos of a burning Notre Dame were going viral on the internet, Viktor Orban declared war on Turkey and by Tuesday morning invaded Istanbul. Speaking at a press conference in the “Liberated Great Byzantine Territories” (LGBT) off the Bosphorus Strait, Orban told the media:

“What happened to Notre Dame was the last drop. Muslims and illegal migrants financed by George Soros set fire to this symbol of purity and Christianity. This is a fact. This is why we are here, brother Christians, to protect you, to protect Europe’s values. Today Istanbul, tomorrow Ankara. God is great!” concluded Orban in the cheerful crowd frenzy that followed.

The Berlin Group obtained details on the military campaign – virtually a blitzkrieg – that Orban undertook. It seems the Hungarian army, which is made of Orban loyalists and supporters of Great/Greater Hungary passed through Romania, where the country’s PSD-ALDE corrupt leaders were too busy stealing from the people to even realise an army was passing by. Orban’s army would have conquered Istanbul by midnight same day if roads in Romania’s roads were not in such a bad 19th century state and if the gypsies didn’t steal a considerable amount of military equipment, a Hungarian general told The Berlin Group.

The Berlin Group also has inside information that indicate Europe’s Western powers are currently negotiating the partitioning of Turkey. Tensions seem to run high, as France believes it should have the largest part of Turkish territory because of the Notre Dame incident and because it is generally the most nostalgic of all European powers when it comes to colonialism and the “golden ages of the French empire”.

Tax break for Hungarian mothers of four if Viktor Orban is the children’s father

Budapest, Hungary

In a lavish ceremony at the Hungarian Parliament, PM Viktor Orban announced his strategy for Hungary’s Christian and demographic rebirth. One of centrepiece measures? Tax exemption for mothers of four, if Orban is the children’s father. In his State of the Nation speech, Orban explained the logic behind his policy, which he named “Long-term sustenance of hungAryan genes”

“Hungary has been invaded by barbarians, by non-Christians. Arabs, Jews and even Romanians are roaming free in our forefathers’ lands thanks to the imperialist policy of the European Union. If Attila the Hun saw this, he would turn in his grave! That is why we need to be cautious and be careful about how we go about preserving the superior Hungarian gene pool. You all know me and you all know how pure of a Hungarian I am. Therefore it is only fair that I am the Father of the Nation and will happily bed all the willing Hungarian women. Only in this way can we guarantee the genetic purity of future generations” said Viktor Orban in front of a cheering Parliament crowd, while Hungarian housewives were weeping with joy in front of the TVs.

In Brussels, European leaders asked Hungary’s Foreign Affairs Minister Peter Szijjarto how will Orban actually cope with fathering demands when everyone knows he has a small penis. Mr. Szijjarto explained that while PM Orban’s penis is indeed minuscule, the PM is nevertheless an “excellent wanker”. The Berlin Group understands that Orban’s genetic material resulting from this unique skill will be used in national fertilisation clinics.

While the fertilisation programme is now optional and incentivised by tax breaks, governmental sources told the Berlin Group that in the future Orban fertilisation will be mandatory for every woman who turns 18. Also, abortions will be made illegal and punishable by death. Same punishment will apply to marrying anyone who is not a pure Hungarian specimen, which should be shown on his “Pure Hungarian Specimen” certificate, released by the Research Institute for hungAryan Genetics”.

 

Mass species extinction and climate change correlated with Romanian PM speeches

Bucharest, Romania

In a scientific breakthrough earlier today, Romanian scientists have finally found the cause of Earth’s mass species extinction. After two years of research, scientists were able to correlate with 99,9% accuracy Romania PM Viorica Dancila’s speeches with mass extinction episodes and extreme climate change events. Speaking at a conference in Bucharest, Dr. Barbu Pulescu explained the process:

“We have been speculating on this for two years. Ever since Dancila took office as Romania’s Prime Minister, we have seen an exponential increase in species extinction . We also witnessed several revisions of the International Panel on Climate Change, stating climate change is way worse they initially predicted. The problem is every time PM Dancila opens her mouth, most animals commit suicide. Because she is so stupid, she takes away the will to live from a lot of living organisms.”

Asked why Dancila’s speeches do not cause mass suicide also among humans, Dr. Pulescu said it was a “matter of natural selection”. He argued that PM Dancila has an IQ that is lower enough for her to not be able to use any language, so the random selection of sounds that comes out of her mouth is wasted on people. Also, he cited a number of defence mechanisms people resorted to, such as switching off the TV when she is about to talk, listening to blasting music or using headphones during her speeches.

“Oh, in case you were not aware, Dancila was the inspiration for Birdbox. Initially, the director wanted to use her speeches as the destructive force threatening humans, but after 20 seconds of listening to one of her speeches, she almost lost hope in humanity and cut her veins. That is why she opted for an <<invisible evil force>>” concluded Pulescu for the Berlin Group.

Contacted by the Berlin Group, PM Dancila uttered some animal sounds that we still work on deciphering.

Italy and Europe agree on budget: 400 jars of Nutella and 200kg of mozzarella

Rome, Italy,

After weeks of debates, negotiations and fierce exchanges, the Italian Government and the European Commission have finally reached a deal on Italy’s budget. Minutes after the meeting held in Rome with Italian PM Giuseppe Conte and European Bank chief Mario Draghi, Commission President Juncker held a press conference.

“To be fair, I think these budget negotiations have been harder than Brexit. That’s probably because my Italian friends here have some brains and can think for themselves. In any case, I’m happy we reached a deal. I think 400 jars of Nutella and 200 kg of mozzarella are a decent enough number for all parties. Mr. Conte understood that we cannot leave the European Bank without its Nutella and mozzarella reserves and consumption needs not be further encouraged.” said a smiling Jean-Claude Juncker chewing his pizza slice.

As far as Italian PM Conte was concerned, he welcomed the deal and said Italians can finally go on with their lives and plan how much Nutella and mozzarella will consume next year according to these numbers.

“I welcome stability. It was not easy but I think that the Italian people will decently live on 400 jars of Nutella and 200kg of mozzarella for next year” said Mr. Conte at the same press conference.

In a tweet immediately after the deal was sealed, Italian Ministry of Interior Affairs, Matteo Salvini, said that “the budget is really the minimum we could have accepted and allowing even one immigrant in our country will destroy the whole budgetary balance”.

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