Champions League final: what did the blonde model really say? In pictures

Madrid, Spain.

Many thought that Kinsey Wolanski invading the pitch on Saturday night’s CL final was meant to energise the seemingly stuck Tottenham players.  The Berlin Group managed to get access to top secret information about Kinsey’s real intentions. We decided to summarize her key messages graphically.

0g6p6tap61231.jpg The moment Kinsey invaded the pitch. What it really meant was….

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Notre Dame effect: Orban invades Turkey

Budapest, Hungary

Only hours after news and videos of a burning Notre Dame were going viral on the internet, Viktor Orban declared war on Turkey and by Tuesday morning invaded Istanbul. Speaking at a press conference in the “Liberated Great Byzantine Territories” (LGBT) off the Bosphorus Strait, Orban told the media:

“What happened to Notre Dame was the last drop. Muslims and illegal migrants financed by George Soros set fire to this symbol of purity and Christianity. This is a fact. This is why we are here, brother Christians, to protect you, to protect Europe’s values. Today Istanbul, tomorrow Ankara. God is great!” concluded Orban in the cheerful crowd frenzy that followed.

The Berlin Group obtained details on the military campaign – virtually a blitzkrieg – that Orban undertook. It seems the Hungarian army, which is made of Orban loyalists and supporters of Great/Greater Hungary passed through Romania, where the country’s PSD-ALDE corrupt leaders were too busy stealing from the people to even realise an army was passing by. Orban’s army would have conquered Istanbul by midnight same day if roads in Romania’s roads were not in such a bad 19th century state and if the gypsies didn’t steal a considerable amount of military equipment, a Hungarian general told The Berlin Group.

The Berlin Group also has inside information that indicate Europe’s Western powers are currently negotiating the partitioning of Turkey. Tensions seem to run high, as France believes it should have the largest part of Turkish territory because of the Notre Dame incident and because it is generally the most nostalgic of all European powers when it comes to colonialism and the “golden ages of the French empire”.

Tax break for Hungarian mothers of four if Viktor Orban is the children’s father

Budapest, Hungary

In a lavish ceremony at the Hungarian Parliament, PM Viktor Orban announced his strategy for Hungary’s Christian and demographic rebirth. One of centrepiece measures? Tax exemption for mothers of four, if Orban is the children’s father. In his State of the Nation speech, Orban explained the logic behind his policy, which he named “Long-term sustenance of hungAryan genes”

“Hungary has been invaded by barbarians, by non-Christians. Arabs, Jews and even Romanians are roaming free in our forefathers’ lands thanks to the imperialist policy of the European Union. If Attila the Hun saw this, he would turn in his grave! That is why we need to be cautious and be careful about how we go about preserving the superior Hungarian gene pool. You all know me and you all know how pure of a Hungarian I am. Therefore it is only fair that I am the Father of the Nation and will happily bed all the willing Hungarian women. Only in this way can we guarantee the genetic purity of future generations” said Viktor Orban in front of a cheering Parliament crowd, while Hungarian housewives were weeping with joy in front of the TVs.

In Brussels, European leaders asked Hungary’s Foreign Affairs Minister Peter Szijjarto how will Orban actually cope with fathering demands when everyone knows he has a small penis. Mr. Szijjarto explained that while PM Orban’s penis is indeed minuscule, the PM is nevertheless an “excellent wanker”. The Berlin Group understands that Orban’s genetic material resulting from this unique skill will be used in national fertilisation clinics.

While the fertilisation programme is now optional and incentivised by tax breaks, governmental sources told the Berlin Group that in the future Orban fertilisation will be mandatory for every woman who turns 18. Also, abortions will be made illegal and punishable by death. Same punishment will apply to marrying anyone who is not a pure Hungarian specimen, which should be shown on his “Pure Hungarian Specimen” certificate, released by the Research Institute for hungAryan Genetics”.

 

Mass species extinction and climate change correlated with Romanian PM speeches

Bucharest, Romania

In a scientific breakthrough earlier today, Romanian scientists have finally found the cause of Earth’s mass species extinction. After two years of research, scientists were able to correlate with 99,9% accuracy Romania PM Viorica Dancila’s speeches with mass extinction episodes and extreme climate change events. Speaking at a conference in Bucharest, Dr. Barbu Pulescu explained the process:

“We have been speculating on this for two years. Ever since Dancila took office as Romania’s Prime Minister, we have seen an exponential increase in species extinction . We also witnessed several revisions of the International Panel on Climate Change, stating climate change is way worse they initially predicted. The problem is every time PM Dancila opens her mouth, most animals commit suicide. Because she is so stupid, she takes away the will to live from a lot of living organisms.”

Asked why Dancila’s speeches do not cause mass suicide also among humans, Dr. Pulescu said it was a “matter of natural selection”. He argued that PM Dancila has an IQ that is lower enough for her to not be able to use any language, so the random selection of sounds that comes out of her mouth is wasted on people. Also, he cited a number of defence mechanisms people resorted to, such as switching off the TV when she is about to talk, listening to blasting music or using headphones during her speeches.

“Oh, in case you were not aware, Dancila was the inspiration for Birdbox. Initially, the director wanted to use her speeches as the destructive force threatening humans, but after 20 seconds of listening to one of her speeches, she almost lost hope in humanity and cut her veins. That is why she opted for an <<invisible evil force>>” concluded Pulescu for the Berlin Group.

Contacted by the Berlin Group, PM Dancila uttered some animal sounds that we still work on deciphering.

Italy and Europe agree on budget: 400 jars of Nutella and 200kg of mozzarella

Rome, Italy,

After weeks of debates, negotiations and fierce exchanges, the Italian Government and the European Commission have finally reached a deal on Italy’s budget. Minutes after the meeting held in Rome with Italian PM Giuseppe Conte and European Bank chief Mario Draghi, Commission President Juncker held a press conference.

“To be fair, I think these budget negotiations have been harder than Brexit. That’s probably because my Italian friends here have some brains and can think for themselves. In any case, I’m happy we reached a deal. I think 400 jars of Nutella and 200 kg of mozzarella are a decent enough number for all parties. Mr. Conte understood that we cannot leave the European Bank without its Nutella and mozzarella reserves and consumption needs not be further encouraged.” said a smiling Jean-Claude Juncker chewing his pizza slice.

As far as Italian PM Conte was concerned, he welcomed the deal and said Italians can finally go on with their lives and plan how much Nutella and mozzarella will consume next year according to these numbers.

“I welcome stability. It was not easy but I think that the Italian people will decently live on 400 jars of Nutella and 200kg of mozzarella for next year” said Mr. Conte at the same press conference.

In a tweet immediately after the deal was sealed, Italian Ministry of Interior Affairs, Matteo Salvini, said that “the budget is really the minimum we could have accepted and allowing even one immigrant in our country will destroy the whole budgetary balance”.

10 things about Steve Bannon moving to Hungary

  1. The Berlin Group got exclusive access to Steve Bannon’s future salary: it starts at 4 goulash and 6 paprikas in the first year and reaches 0 in the second year, when Bannon will do what he does best: get fired.
  2. Rumours have it that Steve is still keeping a photo with Donald Trump in his wallet.
  3. Bannon wanted to learn Hungarian but Orban told him they can talk in Russian.
  4. Initially, Bannon sought to advise Erdogan but Erdogan only takes advice from God.
  5. Demand for top floor apartments in the vicinity of Budapest’s House of Parliament, as well as demand for rifles have skyrocketed in Hungary since Bannon announced he’ll move in the country.
  6. Jobbik, the Hungarian far-right party, acknowledged they’re horrified at the prospect of Bannon advising Orban.
  7. A caravan of Hungarian citizens of Jewish and Roma origin has left the capital Budapest and is heading to Austria.
  8. On hearing the news, Jared Kushner had a chat with Mohammed bin Salman of Saudi Arabia. It is reported that 15 Saudi tourists and a bone saw boarded a plane to Budapest.
  9. There will now be two operation modes for Viktor Orban: Orbannon and Orbannoff.
  10. Romania, Serbia, Austria, Slovakia, Croatia and Ukraine started to build a wall along their borders with Hungary.

Guy Verhofstadt kicks ALDE Romania head out of ALDE facebook group after bribe accusations

Brussels, Belgium

A shocking move in the early hours of Thursday as leader of EU Parliament ALDE  Group, Guy Verhofstadt, used his position as administrator of the ALDE Group facebook group to ruthlessly kick out ALDE Romania’s chief, Calin Popescu-Tariceanu. As Mr. Verhofstadt himself confessed at a lunch press conference, his decision came after Mr. Popescu-Tariceanu, who is also Head of Senate in Romania,  was accused of taking bribes by the Romanian Anti-Corruption Division (DNA).

“I don’t usually do this kind of things” began Mr. Verhofstadt “You know me. I’m the queen of facebook and twitter, I have the best speech-writer in Brussels and I just blabber nice things about democracy all day long. Actions? No, not for me. We’ve been keeping ALDE Romania in our group although we know they are corrupted to the core and want to destroy the rule of law in Romania. That’s OK. But taking $800,000 bribes and not sharing it with your European family is something I cannot tolerate, especially not in my capacity as administrator of ALDE Group facebook group. People expected me to take action and I did. As of today 8:00am CET, Mr. Popescu-Tariceanu is no longer a member of our facebook group. I blocked him!” shouted ALDE Group leader, visibly upset.

Mr. Popescu-Tariceanu denied accusations by DNA and said he did not know who Guy Verhofstadt is.

“I vehemently deny these charges. I don’t know where DNA took those numbers from but I only accepted a $600,000 bribe. And no, I didn’t check my facebook, I only post once in a while. Who is Guy Verhofstadt?” asked a curious Tariceanu.

Sources for the Berlin Group said that in order to start a criminal case against Mr. Tariceanu DNA needs to win a vote from Senators to lift immunity. In a Parliament governed by corrupt leaders, this is very unlikely. We will be back with updates.

Elections make Inglorious Basterds the most popular documentary in Brazil

Brasilia, Brazil

Following last Sunday’s elections win by fascist candidate Jair Bolsonaro, Brazilians were quick to show how the population felt about the results. Inglorious Basterds, a invaluable piece by Quentin Tarantino, became #1 documentary in the country in just a matter of hours. The Berlin Group was following events live from Brazil and so we succeeded in gathering hands-on reports on the ground.

“Of course I was sad and disappointed to see that we as a nation are as stupid as the British, Hungarians or the Americans. But we have something these nations don’t: cojones! Bolsonaro promises easier access to guns no? Well that’s great. I googled “do it yourself how to get rid of fascists, guns” and the first result was this documentary. A splendid work really, I felt so inspired I made my family watch it 5 times. They’re as crazy about it as I am” said Fernando Curacao from Rio de Janeiro.

Although almost 10 years old now, Inglorious Basterds is only now recording an upsurge in popularity in the Amazonian country. Its truly inspirational message – “Kill the Nazis!” – rings a chord not only with the male population but also with many Brazilian women.

“Once I saw this movie I was sold. This is what we need to do, I told myself. We need to kill them Nazis and show them Brazil will not stand up to oppression! I bought myself the essential Inglorious Basterds kit: a baseball bat, some knives, and a Beginners Italian audio course. I’m ready!” said Gisele do Sul from Sao Paolo.

There are reports that Brazilians are not the only fans of Inglorious Basterds. The Berlin Group received reports from credible sources claiming solidarity anti-fascist guerrilla factions are flooding the country from neighbouring Latin American countries too. We will be back with updates.

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